Man Found Dead In Tree…29 Years Later

(Per a request from Bart). 

A German retiree was found dead recently, strapped to the top of a tree. It appears he committed suicide almost 30 years ago. A hiker found the body after he came across one of the old dudes bones on the ground. 

Although the tree was an evergreen, how did this guy not get found for such a long time? Do people in Germany not ever look up? Maybe this is why they lost the war. Every time a bomber would come in they would say, “Crap, we didn’t see the plane”. 

The dead fellow was identified through DNA testing and the fact he had an artificial hip. How did a 69 year old guy, with a fake hip, climb to the top of a 30 foot tree? Not just that, but he also strapped himself in so well that he didn’t fall in 30 years. What kind of rope was the old fella using? Titanium? 

This seems like just more lazy police work. Sure, the guy died 30 years ago but don’t you guys have a “cold case” team in Germany? If not, we can loan you ours. I never really liked that skinny blond on that show so you can keep her if you want. This suicide stinks like day old fish or a prostitute’s hoo-hoo. Get after it. 

If it really was a suicide, can I make a suggestion? In the future, could people that are going to kill themselves do it in an easy to find place? Like the guy on House last night…dead in his bedroom. They didn’t even do an investigation; just called it suicide from the beginning. Case closed. 

The last thing anyone needs is for a bunch of bones to come crashing down from a tree on them. Show a little respect for the living, will ya? I think that the tub is the best place to do your suicide. It’s easy to clean and will not stink for a long time after the body is removed. Again, this is just common courtesy. 

Or, if you don’t have a bath tub, hitchhike to Cape Canaveral and climb into one of the shuttle engines. It will vaporize you instantaneously and no one will have to clean up the mess. Plus, I think the burning bones will throw off a nice bluish hue. That would be pretty for us spectators to look at. 

Of course the best plan is to just not be German then you don’t have to kill yourself.

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22 Responses to Man Found Dead In Tree…29 Years Later

  1. Kali says:

    What — did he climb up there, strap himself in and take a cyanide pill or somesuch? Because his dangling body (or skeleton, at this point, I guess) would surely have been noticed…I dunno — 15, 20 years ago. Weird.

  2. womaninblack says:

    Perhaps he was looking for Hitler’s gold (it’s in Switzerland, buddy, but nice try)

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    A case of a tree hugger misunderstood in life and misunderstood in death. Reminds me of a joke:

    While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

    Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

    “I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

    “You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.” “No, would you like to give it a try?”

    Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…”
    So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

    With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

    He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

    “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…

  4. chelsypillsbury says:

    hahahaha I can’t tell which story is more absurd, this one or the guy that was buried with his cell.

    This is so much more entertaining than the news sometimes. Keep it up!

  5. Damn Germans…AND..Canadians…

  6. german&proud says:

    Well at least you are trying to make up for all the laughs we German have with how stupid Americans are.
    We all slip from time to time… just not as much as Americans do

  7. german&proud says:

    on the other hand… when reading the following: Woman survives polar bear mauling at Berlin Zoo
    I am starting to wonder. What exactly was she thinking???
    I did take a little offence on your comment:
    Of course the best plan is to just not be German then you don’t have to kill yourself.

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