Why? Because I am excellent at saying “no” or “I’m too busy” to people. As near as I can tell, this is the job of all of these agents. Let me explain.
I have written two awesome books. The first, “Vegetarian Zombies”, clearly has mass appeal and would be a best seller. I sent a query letter to probably 20 agents and they all said no. Fast forward ten years and I wrote the next great novel, “Gumming Fruits for the Tooth Challenged”. Again, a huge audience just waiting to be spoken to. But what happens? More rejection from the agents.
Now, I have finished my autobiography that covers the first 17 years of my life. (I know that might not seem like much but I was very busy during that period). To be honest, this book is primarily for unstable people and family members (I know that is redundant). As I looked at Lulu and BookSurge, I read time and time again that this is “vanity” publishing and just a notch up from the moral equivalent to humping a dog.
It would seem only illiterates, people with bad breath and midgets use such an avenue to get published. So what am I supposed to do? Send my life story to a stranger so they can say, “Hm…you really aren’t that interesting”. Who can take that kind of abuse? You might as well say I have a small thingy…which is totally not true.
So, to circumvent this horrible situation, I am now a literary agent. I have “green lighted” my first project (my own book) and am happily looking for others. I won’t lie, I have very high standards. So, if you send me a query letter or manuscript, be prepared for some negative feedback. Here was my first rejection:
Better verbiage has resulted from the collected corn in my stool.
I could have been harsher but I am a human being and have feelings like everyone else. Plus, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by criticizing her 1st grade writing assignment too negatively.
So, if you are an aspiring writer, send your stuff to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I will do my best to find someone to publish your stuff. Now, I don’t have proper “credentials”, so if you need that type of thing, you might want to search elsewhere. Plus, I will definitely try harder if you throw in some cash with the deal.
For you fellow literary agents out there, I might let you look at my book if you are really, really nice to me. E-mail me at the above address so I can consider your credentials. I will try not to reject you but I can make no promises. Know this, my book will be on Oprah’s list in no time at all. (Note to self – remove the many disparaging comments about Oprah from my blog. Particularly the Hippo stuff).
I look forward to the massive response to my various requests. TL