I Should Be A Literary Agent

Why? Because I am excellent at saying “no” or “I’m too busy” to people. As near as I can tell, this is the job of all of these agents. Let me explain.

I have written two awesome books. The first, “Vegetarian Zombies”, clearly has mass appeal and would be a best seller. I sent a query letter to probably 20 agents and they all said no. Fast forward ten years and I wrote the next great novel, “Gumming Fruits for the Tooth Challenged”. Again, a huge audience just waiting to be spoken to. But what happens? More rejection from the agents.

Now, I have finished my autobiography that covers the first 17 years of my life. (I know that might not seem like much but I was very busy during that period). To be honest, this book is primarily for unstable people and family members (I know that is redundant). As I looked at Lulu and BookSurge, I read time and time again that this is “vanity” publishing and just a notch up from the moral equivalent to humping a dog.

It would seem only illiterates, people with bad breath and midgets use such an avenue to get published. So what am I supposed to do? Send my life story to a stranger so they can say, “Hm…you really aren’t that interesting”. Who can take that kind of abuse? You might as well say I have a small thingy…which is totally not true.

So, to circumvent this horrible situation, I am now a literary agent. I have “green lighted” my first project (my own book) and am happily looking for others. I won’t lie, I have very high standards. So, if you send me a query letter or manuscript, be prepared for some negative feedback. Here was my first rejection:

Dear Madame,

Better verbiage has resulted from the collected corn in my stool.

Regards, Tannerleah

I could have been harsher but I am a human being and have feelings like everyone else. Plus, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by criticizing her 1st grade writing assignment too negatively.

So, if you are an aspiring writer, send your stuff to me at tannerleah2004@yahoo.com. I will do my best to find someone to publish your stuff. Now, I don’t have proper “credentials”, so if you need that type of thing, you might want to search elsewhere. Plus, I will definitely try harder if you throw in some cash with the deal.

For you fellow literary agents out there, I might let you look at my book if you are really, really nice to me. E-mail me at the above address so I can consider your credentials. I will try not to reject you but I can make no promises. Know this, my book will be on Oprah’s list in no time at all. (Note to self – remove the many disparaging comments about Oprah from my blog. Particularly the Hippo stuff).

I look forward to the massive response to my various requests. TL


16 Responses to I Should Be A Literary Agent

  1. Your books must have been better than mine. I only got 2 agents/publishers to even respond to mine.

    I guess a book on “100 ways to have fun with your
    Dog’s Ringworm” wasn’t broad enough.

  2. Kevinjohn says:

    I was thinking of sending you my secret writings I have compiled on how to stay a virgin for half your life then make millions writing humor blogs but as yet I’ve only licked the first half.

    Kudos for telling your daughter the way it is.
    Just the other day my little boy showed me a drawing of our dog. I told him it looked more like a dumb cow then I sent him to bed without any supper.

  3. pinnythewu says:

    Will you be selling shares in your agency?

  4. So, you’re saying my manuscript, “Blogs About Cats,” has a chance?

  5. Tizzle says:

    Hey I can send you the info for the publisher who put out my biddies book… You know the guys we are tight with Peter Weller.

  6. Kali says:

    The constant rejection theme reminded me of this, which I’ve always thought was fairly hilarious:

  7. imagine your book of 17 years of not getting published becomes a new york times bestseller? that would be some great irony.

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