Pants Under Or Over The Belly?

April 30, 2009

As my stomach expands with age (and junk food), I am starting to worry that I    am going to have to make a major decision in my life. That decision is, of course, whether to wear my stomach over my belt or wrap my belt around my stomach. 

To date, I have just rested my gut comfortably over my belt. This is how most guys do it and it seems to work pretty well. I am at a disadvantage only in the sense that my ass was surgically removed when I was young so my pants want to fall from the downward pressure. 

I suppose I could rock the suspenders, and look damned good doing it, but I think that look went out in the fifties. (Except for Larry King who, sadly, died 10 years ago). Or, I could just cinch the belt really tight like I do now. Still, it can be uncomfortable when I sit for long periods of time. (Which is all the time). 

If I wrap the belt around my stomach, like say, Santa does, I will lose what little bit of dignity I have left. Nothing is more pathetic than the dude that has his pants pulled half way up his torso with his junk hemmed in from the legs being pulled too tight. Still, it seems like a comfortable approach and at almost 50, no one gives a crap what I am doing anyway. 

I am sure some of you will say, “Hey, fat ass. Why don’t you just lose the weight?” First, thank you for your kindness. Second, I have lost the weight, and gained it, and lost it, etc. Doesn’t there come a point in my life where I can stop fighting that fight. I just look like I swallowed a bowling ball, is that so horrible? I am not all Oprah, sloppy big. (And remember, black is supposed to make you look thinner). 

I guess I will just leave things the way they are and try to keep my weight under control through continued lying around and eating bad food. Fingers crossed, I think it just might work. Plus, the ridicule I would take from my family if I hitched my trousers over my naval would be unbearable. They are all waif like and treat the “fat dude” poorly. I can’t give them anymore ammo. 

If you can think of a better alternative plan, please feel free to share. (And no Liz, I don’t want to hear about eating more carrots or, Oz forbid, “working out”).


Where Have The Baseball Cards In Bicycle Spokes Gone? (BB&B)

April 30, 2009

I only ask because I never see this anymore. Not baseball cards, Pokémon cards, playing cards…nothing. No sound of the rumbling of a fake motor generated by the thwacking sound 10 Rick Burleson cards made banging against my spokes in an eerily cool rhythm. (Ok, I am lying… a little. I would never use Rick Burleson cards. Rich Gedman? Abso-freakin-lutely. Geddy sucked at the end and I would gladly destroy 10 of his cards in my spokes).

Anyway, back to the issue. I know some kids “trade” cards but they do it like they are mini entrepreneurs. “Well Joe, I will gladly give you a Glaxco for a Fairdom but no way am I throwing in a Nursburt”. Newsflash little kids. Almost none of the cards that you refuse to let be thrashed by your bicycle is worth a stinky crap. Why? Because you cling to them as if they have value…they don’t. The market is flooded with this junk.

It’s a shame that kids collect everything. I can understand coins and a few other items but they have been convinced by adult that everything has value. In one sense, this isn’t terrible. If I valued my Rawlings glove a little more I would have not had that sinking feeling in my gut after finding I left my glove out in the rain overnight…again.

Still while there is a modicum of value in collecting and protecting, what good is it to have a model Ferrari if you never play with the damned thing? Burn that sum bitch to the ground in a spectacular inferno! Now THAT”S how to have some fun.

I didn’t have much as a kid but I sure didn’t worry about it either. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing after all?


Be Prepared To Duck At Radio Shack

April 29, 2009

Leigh Carey was trying to return something at his local Radio Shack in Wisconsin. The kind clerk behind the counter, James Knol, politely told Mr. Carey that he could not return this object. 

Undeterred, Mr. Carey asked to speak to Mr. Knol’s manager. At this point, Mr. Knol proceeded to beat the crap out of Mr. Carey. How awesome is this? I can just here James now…”You want to return a cable? I got your fu**in’ cable right here.” POW! – punches him right in the kisser.

Here is a photo of the disagreeable clerk.

james-knol

A couple of things. First, who the hell shops at Radio Shack anymore? Didn’t they go out of business like 20 years ago? No wonder the guy’s doo hickey didn’t work. It went out of style a century ago and they probably don’t make it anymore…which is why he can’t return it. 

Second, isn’t it awesome that an employee just decided he wasn’t going to take crap from a customer anymore? I am not sure when the saying “the customer is always right” came about but what a load of bull sh**. The customer is rarely, if ever, right. We have become a nation of whiny, complaining, “it’s never good enough” consumers. A quick right cross is exactly what the doctor ordered. 

I hope I see more of this in the future. Your steak is not cooked exactly right? Complain but expect to be punched. In fact, that is the new rule. Anytime you return something or complain, you have to take a punch to the head. Employees working the return lines would all be 6’5″ and 350 pounds. I would pull up a lawn chair and just watch all day long. 

I am especially offended when the item being returned is worth like a buck. “Hey, this pen doesn’t work”. So what? It’s a freakin’ pen for Oz sake! Don’t you have more important worries like how are you going to get that rusted car off of your front lawn or the crappy couch off of your front porch? 

So, Radio Shack consumers…you have been warned. Return items at your own risk. Good luck.


Robin Is A Pretty Name…If You Are Gay (BB&B)

April 29, 2009

I was going to put together a separate website to post small stories that didn’t make it into my book, “Booze, Baptists, and Bedlam”. However, that seems like entirely too much work. So, I will post the stories here. To save you the boredom of reading these stories if they do not interest you, I will put (BB&B) in the title. Fair enough? OK, here is the first one. Enjoy.

My mom told me a horrific story when I was about eight. She told me that she wanted to name me Robin instead of Steven. She thought it was a beautiful name that had many wonderful connotations. Ah, my mom…ever the dreamer. 

My dad, on the other hand, thought this was the most stupid idea he had ever heard. His exact quote was, “I am not going to name my son after a goddamn bird!” (He was never really in touch with his artistic side). My guess is that he wanted to name me Leather or Road Rash or Killer…you know, something manly. 

Even once they agreed on Steven, there was a fight on how it should be spelled. Mom liked the more proper version of “Stephen” while my dad had a different point of view. “I am not going to name my son after a goddamn fag”. Again, articulate and insightful in his thinking. 

So, in a nutshell, that is how I got my name. To this day, I do not regret missing out on “Robin”. Sure Robin Gibb wore the name well but he is the exception to the rule. I can only imagine how many more ass kicking’s I would have taken as Robin. Thanks dad. For all of your suckitude, you got this one right.


Fox TV Tells Obama, “Oh Hell No!”

April 28, 2009

Fox TV, showing the kind of leadership that is so often missing in network television, told Barry to go scrub his a** when he requested they carry his “100 day” news conference. This is Barry’s third primetime speech in the same 100 days. What new info can he possibly have? 

Fox will air that “Lie to me” show instead (or whatever it’s called). Sure, no one is going to watch that piece of crap show either but at least it gives the impression that people have a choice. Honestly, other than ObamaISAmerica, who needs more primetime Barry? 

Don’t answer…it was a rhetorical question. We know who needs the attention. Barack Obama, that’s who. Barry just loves attention! Sure, he is a good looking guy and seems to be smart but c’mon. He is all over the freakin’ place. Even Dubya wasn’t this vain. 

If you think it is not out of control, how do you explain Air Force One buzzing New York City yesterday? In my nearly 50 years of life, I have NEVER seen AF1 do that little trick. Supposedly, they wanted a new photo of AF1 with the Statue of Liberty in it. Do they not have PhotoShop? Do you think that might have been slightly cheaper than a real plane plus a fighter jet in tow? Who paid for this stunt? Oh, we did. Brilliant! 

I want Barry to do well and I wish him nothing but the best. But he really needs to dial his ego down several notches. We get it Black Jesus…you are the man. But if you keep rubbing our collective noses in it, we are going to get sick of you pretty soon. You will make Dubya downright loveable at this pace. 

So please, stop buzzing national monuments with Air Force One and stop being on TV all of the time. At least American TV. Go spend some primetime with the Brits or French. They have terrible TV so it would be a step up for them. We love you brother but you have got to hide that big eared head of yours…at least a little. 

Of course, if we would have elected Sarah Palin as VP (President to be when old dude kicked), I would have expected a weekly, primetime show. She could have done some song and dance stuff or just sat there looking into the camera and letting us fawn over her incredible beauty. But, I won’t beat that dead horse…yet. However, Sarah’s day is coming and you would be well served to ride that maverick. I know I would ride her all…day…long.


I Think I Have The Swine Flu

April 27, 2009

I am not 100% sure, but it seems that I have many of the symptoms. I am eating, well, like a pig. Plus, I have been surprisingly drawn to mud lately. My nose also seems to be getting more snout like these days. Let’s face it, I am a dead man walking. 

Of course I also had monkey pox when it was popular and I did manage to live through that. I threw poopy a lot and my butt turned a bright, glowing red. (The chicks really dug it…the red butt, not the poop throwing). 

Then I had the bird flu where I started to peck my food and could have sworn that I was starting to grow wings. (Turns out, according to my doctor, I was just hallucinating from some bad peyote). 

In any case, I want it to be on record that I am part of this latest and greatest pandemic. I like being associated with big world events and this seems like a fairly easy one to get in on. Also, when the 6 trillion dollar lawsuit is filed, you had better believe that I am going to be on that metaphoric bus. 

I also want to start a lottery on what animal will be the cause of the next “great” pandemic. I was going to say cows but, of course, mad cow has already been done. (I had that one too. It used to pi** me off because people kept tipping me over. Very annoying). 

I was also going to go with cats. But then I remembered they are useless creatures that kill babies. That’s right…I remember that from baby class. A kitty will kill your baby if they get a chance. There is a name for this but I can’t remember what it is. I am sure one of you breeders out there will know. 

It seems we are starting to run out of killer pandemic animals to be afraid of. I will nominate chipmunks. Sure, they look cute but my understanding is that are deviously clever and not very good singers. They also dress poorly and bug the hell out of humans. Chipmunk flu just sounds dangerous, doesn’t it? 

So, you heard it here first. Stay clear of the killer chipmunks. (Not to be confused with killer rabbits that have since been eliminated). If you should see a chipmunk, run from it as if your life depends on it…it just might. 

Why do I keep making “oink” sounds? I am a sure goner. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Raise a slice of bacon in my memory.


Where Have All The KKK People Gone?

April 25, 2009

I was reading an article about David Duke and the article said that the number of KKK members has fallen from about 5 million in the 70’s to 3 to 6 thousand today. Where the hell did they all go? 5 million people is a lot…most must still be alive and they surely didn’t all find Jesus. Why did they get out? Was it the emergence of the Rainbow KKK?

kkk-rainbow

My guess is that the cool hats, ropes, crosses, gas, and robes probably cost more than the average person could afford. When you have a steep trailer payment, those kind of “extras” can be a killer. Still, the hate must still be there…just in an unorganized way. That must make former KKK members crazy. Particularly when you have a kind of black president.

The article about David Duke said that he was on a tour promoting his 10 year old book. Currently, he is in the Czech republic. He was arrested briefly and is being kicked out of the country for denying that the Holocaust ever occurred. So, if I understand this, offering an opinion not sponsored by the government can land you in jail for three years, particularly if you are denying the Holocaust. I can’t quite place my finger on it but there seems to be a bit of irony in there.

Maybe the KKK people are now Nazis or Skinheads. As I have mentioned before, I get confused by the various factions of groups that hate another group. I think they all hate blacks but I also think that Jews get tossed in there somehow. Why not hate the people that are really causing the pain in this world? Circus clowns and bad stand up comics. These two groups inflict much more pain than any other combined group I can think of. (Note: I am not including the Cirque folks in this statement…they rock).

Here is a suggestion to all of you hate mongers out there. Just send me a dollar and allow me to hate people for you. I promise I will go around in a bad mood all day and think really negative thoughts about whatever group you tell me to. By my count, there are just under 5 million of you suffering in silence so just send me a buck and I will free you of that burden. And you don’t have to hate easy targets either. You want to hate brunettes or Eskimos? I can make that happen. Sadly, the only request I cannot fill is hate for Sarah Palin. I just can’t do it.

Another public service message brought to you by Tannerleah.