As my stomach expands with age (and junk food), I am starting to worry that I am going to have to make a major decision in my life. That decision is, of course, whether to wear my stomach over my belt or wrap my belt around my stomach.
To date, I have just rested my gut comfortably over my belt. This is how most guys do it and it seems to work pretty well. I am at a disadvantage only in the sense that my ass was surgically removed when I was young so my pants want to fall from the downward pressure.
I suppose I could rock the suspenders, and look damned good doing it, but I think that look went out in the fifties. (Except for Larry King who, sadly, died 10 years ago). Or, I could just cinch the belt really tight like I do now. Still, it can be uncomfortable when I sit for long periods of time. (Which is all the time).
If I wrap the belt around my stomach, like say, Santa does, I will lose what little bit of dignity I have left. Nothing is more pathetic than the dude that has his pants pulled half way up his torso with his junk hemmed in from the legs being pulled too tight. Still, it seems like a comfortable approach and at almost 50, no one gives a crap what I am doing anyway.
I am sure some of you will say, “Hey, fat ass. Why don’t you just lose the weight?” First, thank you for your kindness. Second, I have lost the weight, and gained it, and lost it, etc. Doesn’t there come a point in my life where I can stop fighting that fight. I just look like I swallowed a bowling ball, is that so horrible? I am not all Oprah, sloppy big. (And remember, black is supposed to make you look thinner).
I guess I will just leave things the way they are and try to keep my weight under control through continued lying around and eating bad food. Fingers crossed, I think it just might work. Plus, the ridicule I would take from my family if I hitched my trousers over my naval would be unbearable. They are all waif like and treat the “fat dude” poorly. I can’t give them anymore ammo.
If you can think of a better alternative plan, please feel free to share. (And no Liz, I don’t want to hear about eating more carrots or, Oz forbid, “working out”).