My Tattoo Problem

My daughter is old enough to have a tattoo these days and, like many young women, thinks she would like one. (Hopefully, something small and discreet. Not, “Party Starts Here Guys” like her mom has). To discourage her, I told her that I would also get a tattoo the same day she did. In essence, she now has the power to mark me for life. So far, I have not had to taint my pristine body canvas but I worry that the day is getting close.

To prepare for this, I have been scouring the Internet in hopes of finding something suitable for an old geezer like me. Dragons, “mom”, crosses, and battleships are out of the running. Here are a couple of the better ones I have seen.


Now, I will be honest. I am not sure I am brave enough to have my eyebrows shaved. The words are not the problem but no eyebrows? That’s just crazy. Another one I like allows me to grow naturally into a larger frame.


I don’t have quite that big of a belly button because I have not suffered an apparent shotgun blast to that area. Still, you have to admit it would be awfully sexy to be sporting that tat around town. The chicks would be all over me!

So, I need your help. I am drawing a complete blank on this task. I could have an arrow that pointed to the side and the phrase, “I did her mother”. Then I could just walk next to my daughter all day to get maximum efficacy out of it. Or, in the interest of making a political statement, I could get a tat of a Mexican living in my stomach with the words, “Hey, they have to live somewhere” underneath.

So many choices and so little time. Can you please help a brother out and give me some good ideas? I hate pain so the smaller the tat the better. Also, I need to know where to put it. (And although my thingy is still quite huge, I am not even considering that as an option). Maybe under a roll of fat like some of the hot girls at a bar I frequent do it. I am trying to stay away from the neck and forearms because I am currently employed and need to stay that way.

Thanks for the help. I am going to need it. TL


29 Responses to My Tattoo Problem

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Although I don’t yet have a suggestion, this reminds me of a story a colleague (psychiatrist) told me. He once had a patient (Cuban Mariel refugee) who was a paranoid schizophrenic. The guy was so paranoid that he had eyes tattooed on his eyelids so that it looked like he was awake 24/7.

    As to your tatoo, this is clearly a job for Ram.

  2. Ram Venkatararam says:

    I would be delighted to assist Tannerleah and kick off what is sure to be a lively thread. My suggestions will, of course, be terribly self-serving.

    As a starting point, you may wish to consider having my name – “Ram” – tattooed on your ass.

    It’s somewhat obvious but has a playful quality and will avoid you having to engage in awkward small talk in men’s rooms while on “business trips.”

    You can simply point to the text, wink and nod knowingly.

    As an alternative but on the same theme (of me!) you might consider having “Food Here” tattooed just beneath your belly button. A small arrow would be included and point humorously toward your genital region.

    I think this one has potential. Useful while on the road but equally helpful while at home with the wife.

    Hope these help Tannerleah!

    Your friend in ink! RAM!!!

    • tannerleah says:

      Ram – putting your name on my backside is just stupid. If I were going to do it for a person, I would do it for Sarah. Something like, “Drill, Baby, Drill!” on my butt would be cool.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I knew Ram would deliver!!

    I do have a practical suggestion for down the road: tattoo your AARP card on your forearm to save you the trouble of digging it out of your wallet when you want to use senior discounts at restaurants and movie theaters.

    Elizab…ever the pragmatist.

  4. How about a Zit? Its small and it will make you appear younger than you are.

  5. Ram Venkatararam says:

    Sorry TL, I think making your tattoo all about me was insensitive…

    Doris suggests that you have the head of a penis tattooed on your ankle. I believe the idea here is that if you go sockless at work, your coworkers will see a penis poking out from beneath your pant leg and assume that your manhood is the same length as your inseam.

    Personally, I think its a long way to go for a practical joke but what do I know.

    And, seriously, thanks. This is like Christmas..

  6. I suggest a tear-drop tattoo, because, and correct me if I’m wrong, the word on the street is that you shot a man in Reno just to which him die.

  7. tat your back, and make it a tic tac toe or dots board that way whenever your family is around they will always have something to do. i have two tats, one on my foot has stars and my best friend and i got those last year, and i have a butterfly on my upper know…

  8. nursemyra says:

    Don’t you sometimes walk down the street with your WIFE? do you really want an arrow and “I did her mother” on your chest on those occasions?

  9. O.G. says:

    This is a tough one, but kudos to you for the thought. Why don’t you get one that matches your wife’s tattoo?

  10. womaninblack says:

    This is one of my areas of expertise, which you couldn’t tell from my own tattoos. I’ve had a look and found you a few that tick all the boxes.

    This is nice:

    Classy AND down with the kids:

    No one will be able to resist you:

    Appeal to feminists by honouring their bodies:

    Hope this helps.

  11. i think you should do your leg. sexy. and tell your daughter not to get anything on her back. thats a tramp stamp and also an aimer for guys when they convince her that condoms don’t work and they’ll pull out.

  12. ha. sorry about that! you are correct. its only the lower back.

    i wish i could get one on my wrist but my mom would kill me and then herself. :/

  13. Bart says:

    Cowabunghole dude!


  14. George says:

    You can get “This End Up” tatted on your junk so when you get older, you won’t forget how it goes. But, don’t take the fam to the parlor when you go. It’ll be awkward.

    Just a thought. 🙂

  15. squirrel says:

    I don’t think you should be too worried about the whole tattoo thing to be honest.

  16. squirrel says:


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