My Favorite New Name – Chance Standing Crow

Mr. Standing Crow, 27, from Bismark something Dakota, was arrested for “actual physical control” of a vehicle after being found passed out behind the wheel at a fast food restaurant. Chance was also charged with driving under a suspended license. Standing Crows 4 year old daughter was also in the car which could lead to further charges.

Oh, it gets better. Did I mention that this all happened at 10:05 in the morning? I know some people like to get their drink on early but, man, ole Chance really knows how to hammer the bottle. It does not say what restaurant he was driving through but I am going to guess he was looking for some sort of breakfast burrito. It’s the kind of food that fills you up just enough to keep from hurling out the window.

Can I ask a question? What kind of name is Chance Standing Crow, anyway? My guess is that it is either Indian or Swedish. (I just threw the Swedes in so it wouldn’t look like I am profiling). The report does not mention the daughters name but sources say it is Little Screwed One. It is always nice to see children bonding with their parents in the morning. Granted, most do it at the park but behind the wheel of a Pinto (and not the horse) is also kind of cool.

The article does not mention whether Little Screwed One was taken from Chance but it appears she was not. And why should she be? He was charged for actual physical control. That doesn’t even sound like something you should be arrested for. It’s kind of like being pulled over for “real bowel movement”. Sure, it is unsightly and the aroma is offensive but you can hardly take someone to jail for it.

Besides, this all happened in North or South or East Dakota. Only like 7 people live in the whole state. No doubt Chance’s dad owns the fast food place and his uncle is the Chief of Police. Where are they going to put Otis if Andy is out of town with Aunt Bea? (And can we all please agree that Aunt Bee was smoking hot?)

Where was I? Oh yeah, this is just another case of the white man holding the red man down. (How come I have never seen an actual red man? The Irish are more pink than red but that is the closest match I have ever found). Anyway, if Standing Crow had been black, they would have fulfilled his order of chicken nuggets and a giant Sprite and let him leave with no questions asked. Man, this racial crap gets my blood boiling!

Anyway, next time you are in one of the Dakotas, try not to pass out in the fast food line. It is rude and you are wasting valuable gas. Also, if you want to fit in, make sure you are hammered by noon. Now, go in peace Sitting Monkey Ass.


7 Responses to My Favorite New Name – Chance Standing Crow

  1. Just directed someone to your blog from South Dakota. Apparently she too thinks you are funny.

    just thought i would share the love.

  2. nursemyra says:

    If you think Aunt Bee was smoking hot I’ve got a patient you’ll absolutely swoon over.

    Plus she has impressive “real bowel movements”

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Wait, Aunt Bee had steamy bowel movements? Is that what you are saying?

    • tannerleah says:

      All of the above. And it is not “Bee” as in bumble bee. It is Bea as in the other sexy siren from that time, Bea Arthur. Oh, I would so hit them both.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Rude. Watch out for what you say.. You’re calling my little cousin who is now 6 a Screwed One. What the hell is wrong with you being racist against him and practically my whole family. You’re such an ASSHOLE. Peace, Sittingpieceofbullshit.

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