Making A Kid Eat Out Of A Garbage Can IS Illegal

March 18, 2009

Huh…who knew? Personally, I just call it good parenting. When your kid wastes good food, this is an excellent way to make a point. I have used this very technique with my own child (over 10 years ago so the statute of limitations had run its course) and it worked like a charm. 

Specifically, the little monster grabbed a perfectly good Bavarian Crème donut, took exactly one bite from it, and then threw it in the trash. Are you kidding? Outraged, I made the boy fetch it and eat it. My Oz, the thought of wasting a beautiful donut still sickens me to this day. 

So why am I bringing this up now? Because an excellent teacher named Anne O’Donnell, 67, of Fairfield CT, did just this. She saw a 5 year old throw out perfectly good chicken nuggets and a banana and made him pull it out of the trash. She then made him sit there and eat in front of her. This is AWESOME work by a concerned teacher, albeit one that is awful damned old to still be on the payroll. 

Someone complained, probably the candy-a**ed parents who allow such behavior at home, and Anne was arrested. Did you read what my fingers just typed? SHE WAS ARRESTED! This is as stupid as the lady that was arrested for stealing a library book. What in the hell is going on in this world? 

The article goes on to say that the school “addressed the needs of the child”. Really? Cause the only thing this 5 year old needs is a swift kick in the backside. We are such a wasteful society and this caring teacher tried to teach an important lesson and this is what happens. Granted, it happened in Connecticut so that kind of explains a lot of it. Bunch of tree hugging lunatics. 

Anne, if you read this, tell us what you need from us to help. My readers and I generally hate children plus we are sick of how soft our society has become. If you need us to rough up the school board or something, let us know. If you need cash, well, you probably came to the wrong place. We are better at supplying moral support. 

Oh, you probably want to know how my boy turned out. He is now a professional dumpster diver. Sure, it is not a glittery or noble profession but thanks to the wasteful US consumer, he lives in a mansion on Rodeo Drive. I would say this pretty much confirms my notion that I should be named Father of the Century. I will also be writing a parenting book soon titled, “Boy, You Better Get That Fu**ing Donut out Of the Trash”. It will be carried everywhere but Wal-Mart.

My Favorite New Name – Chance Standing Crow

March 18, 2009

Mr. Standing Crow, 27, from Bismark something Dakota, was arrested for “actual physical control” of a vehicle after being found passed out behind the wheel at a fast food restaurant. Chance was also charged with driving under a suspended license. Standing Crows 4 year old daughter was also in the car which could lead to further charges.

Oh, it gets better. Did I mention that this all happened at 10:05 in the morning? I know some people like to get their drink on early but, man, ole Chance really knows how to hammer the bottle. It does not say what restaurant he was driving through but I am going to guess he was looking for some sort of breakfast burrito. It’s the kind of food that fills you up just enough to keep from hurling out the window.

Can I ask a question? What kind of name is Chance Standing Crow, anyway? My guess is that it is either Indian or Swedish. (I just threw the Swedes in so it wouldn’t look like I am profiling). The report does not mention the daughters name but sources say it is Little Screwed One. It is always nice to see children bonding with their parents in the morning. Granted, most do it at the park but behind the wheel of a Pinto (and not the horse) is also kind of cool.

The article does not mention whether Little Screwed One was taken from Chance but it appears she was not. And why should she be? He was charged for actual physical control. That doesn’t even sound like something you should be arrested for. It’s kind of like being pulled over for “real bowel movement”. Sure, it is unsightly and the aroma is offensive but you can hardly take someone to jail for it.

Besides, this all happened in North or South or East Dakota. Only like 7 people live in the whole state. No doubt Chance’s dad owns the fast food place and his uncle is the Chief of Police. Where are they going to put Otis if Andy is out of town with Aunt Bea? (And can we all please agree that Aunt Bee was smoking hot?)

Where was I? Oh yeah, this is just another case of the white man holding the red man down. (How come I have never seen an actual red man? The Irish are more pink than red but that is the closest match I have ever found). Anyway, if Standing Crow had been black, they would have fulfilled his order of chicken nuggets and a giant Sprite and let him leave with no questions asked. Man, this racial crap gets my blood boiling!

Anyway, next time you are in one of the Dakotas, try not to pass out in the fast food line. It is rude and you are wasting valuable gas. Also, if you want to fit in, make sure you are hammered by noon. Now, go in peace Sitting Monkey Ass.