Why Won’t My Dentist Fondle Me?

March 12, 2009

I have a lovely female dentist. She is very professional and does a wonderful job. She is an excellent dentist…for the most part. My frustration with her, however, is starting to grow. Why? Because she simply refuses to fondle or touch me in some sort of inappropriate manner.

It seems that male dentists are much more likely to perform this service. Mark Anderson, a dentist in Woodland, CA. was convicted of 11 felony charges of sexual battery. He felt up more than a dozen of his patients. Now, to be fair, the dentist did have an excellent reason for groping these women. It seems they all suffered from TMJ (a jaw disease) and massaging their breasts helped relieve their symptoms. That sounds like a reasonable excuse to me.

Normally, perverts seem to have poor taste in women. At least this particular creepy guy “massaged” attractive women. Plus, he would also say nice things about their boobs. For whatever reason, the ladies did not appreciate his extra attention to detail. Here are two of the ladies that testified against Dr. Mark:


Sure, these ladies are attractive and probably have nice breasts, but the first thing I noticed in the photo was their TMJ jaws. Frankly, if I were their doctor, I probably would have gone straight for chest massaging as well. It’s the right thing to do.

As for Dr. Anderson, he is kind of in big trouble. Besides being guilty, it turns out he is a huge a**hat. Walking out of the courtroom, he said, “how many times do I have to say ‘no comment’ before you understand no comment?” That’s it Doc, keep that attitude up all the way to prison. That will make the gang rape you are fixin’ to get just that much more enjoyable to your new boyfriends. (See if you can keep that smirk going while you are catching a few fastballs up your pooper).

Anyway, back to my problem. What is it that I need to do to get my hot dentist to hit me up? The last time I was at the dentist I pulled my pants down to my knees but she just covered my stuff with the apron. I know she was impressed because she murmured, “hmm…didn’t think it was that cold in here”. That is DEFINITELY code for “I want you”.

Maybe I need to knock a couple of my teeth out so I can get the pity vote from her. Yeah…I think that just might work. Excuse me while I go fetch a hammer and chisel. Wish me luck!