Here is what I am noticing in boring old suburbia. Soccer moms are strung out on wine at an alarming rate. That’s right. Good old Sally from the PTA (does that org still exist?) gets home everyday and downs a bottle of cab. (That’s wine talk for cabernet). So is Cindy, Mary, Alice and all of the other soccer moms on her street. They are getting loose as a goose by 10pm every night.
How do I know this? Because virtually every woman I know is now on the wine bandwagon. They might have tried Lithium in the past, or weed, but wine gives you the buzz without the stigma of mental illness. Although let’s be honest, that’s what is really driving this alcoholic rage. MADD? Drunk on their ass every night. No, they are not driving but they are hammering the white zinfandel even before dinner is finished being cooked.
This explains to me a lot of things. First, I have been perplexed by how many attractive young women can force themselves into relationships with the Hugh Hefners of the world. Now I know…guzzling wine. It also explains how absolutely horrible TV shows get such good ratings. Greys Anatomy? Being watched by a bunch of 40 something year old zombies drunk on a box of wine they got from the grocery store. Same for Desperate Housewives who, ironically, are the epitome of this new drunk breed.
Do you remember the good old days when you could spot a wino from a mile away? Those days or over my friends. They are around you in full force on a daily basis. It’s like that movie where the pod people were all around you but you didn’t know it. Consider yourself warned.
Is there any upside to this mess? Of course! Many of these shrill, shrew-like women are actually much more tolerable to be around. Plus, every once in a while you get a great story like the one where the woman did the strange guy in the men’s room at the Metrodome. If there was more of that action going on, men would bring you cases of wine home! We would set up a never ending wine IV and just let the good times roll. Sadly, most medicate just enough to get a good nights sleep.
So, all you functioning winos out there…we are hip to your game. You might think that we don’t see what is going down, but we do. We are evaluating a course of action but, rest assured, we are keeping a close eye on you in the meantime. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Bunch of hot, slutty drunks. Why was wine a bad idea again?