Watchmen – Worst Movie Ever

That’s right, it was absolutely horrible. You may be wondering what could possibly have spurred me to a) write a movie review and b) write it with such negativity? Two words pretty much explain the main problem I had with this movie…blue penis.

Actually, I should probably say it in three words…glowing blue penis. There is a character in the movie who is kind of a kinetic blue (if such a thing exists) and the vast majority of the time, he is buck naked. I don’t know about you but I have no interest in seeing man junk once, let alone several times in a movie. Now, to be fair, he had a pretty large thingy and it was nice looking if you are into that. However, it is quite clear that the director was loving him some man meat.

What agitated me is that he didn’t need to have his junk out all of the time. There are a few scenes where he is wearing a black thong. Well, WTF?…make up your mind. Why not just keep his knob in the banana hammock and save the majority of men in the audience this homoerotic experience? When I want to go gay, I will just crank me up some Clay Aiken and stare at George Clooney posters.

There was also an unbelievable amount of man butt in the movie. Obviously, blue man had his buns out constantly. Also, there were other guy(s) doing it. I couldn’t keep count so it may have been two or ten. I just sat there thinking I would never be able to chop wood in my life again. My God, the humanity of it all. The director did throw in one or two token boobs but hardly enough to compensate for the mental scorched Earth that my mind had already encountered.

As for the plot and movie itself? I couldn’t really give you a review one way or the other. Once the 30 foot glowing blue penis hit the screen, my mind shut down like it had been injected with retard juice. I just sat there with soda and popcorn dribbling out of the corners of my mouth. Even the gratuitous sex scene couldn’t snap me out of it. Why? Because it was full of man butt!!!

God, I feel so dirty right now. I had high hopes that I would see some excessive Carla Gugino boob but that didn’t even happen. Most of the time she was made up to look like an old woman. I need to go grab some Hustlers, JD and coke and smoke a stogie. (And slather myself with Old Spice). Maybe, just maybe, I will get my testosterone levels back up to speed in a couple of months.

In the meantime if my posts go all gay-like for the next several weeks, you can blame it on the glowing blue penis.

This is good:

carla-gugino1

This is just wrong:

blue-penis-man

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13 Responses to Watchmen – Worst Movie Ever

  1. Ram Venkatararam says:

    So “agitated” that you’ll have to see it 3 or 4 more times just to be sure your indigation is justified? I’m growing increasingly concerned, TL, increasingly concerned…

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Film.com did not review it favorly either. Was it the Miami Herald that used to have a movie review box in their entertainment section whereby you could see movie reviews/ratings from 8-10 major newspapers? What happened to that?!? It was such a useful tool! That way, you weren’t tied into any one critic, but could judge a movie from a broader critic base. As for your multiple ‘man butt’ references, it sounds like Howard Stern’s “Fartman” at the 1992 MTV music video awards was far more entertaining, that is, if you like the visuals of rippling gelatinous globs of gluteal flesh (I am assuming Watchman’s were firm and inpenetrable)…I’ll take a pass at both.

    • tannerleah says:

      Liz – The movie itself had good reviews. And, in fact, it might be a good movie. But, for me, once the glowing blue penis showed up, I lost all concentration.

  3. nursemyra says:

    I could breathe life into a blue penis

  4. womaninblack says:

    Penises? Man butt?
    I’m booking my tickets right now.

    If you keep getting flashbacks, think of Captain Lawrence Oates. Despite his blue penis he did the ultimate hardman thing of walking into the white wilderness of the South Pole (no pun intended) to save the rest of Robert Falcon Scott’s expedition. I doubt he ever wore a thong.

    • tannerleah says:

      Yes, because cartoon based action movies really should be aimed at an exclusive female audience. More ding-ding by all means.

      And then off you go into some obscure historical reference. (Learned at Twitter no doubt). Hold on while I go Wiki…

      Ok, I am back. This idiot killed himself by walking into the blizzard so he could “save” the others. Newsflash Larry…they all croaked too. Why do Brits insist on doing such silly things? And what the hell were they doing at the South Pole in the first place? Shouldn’t they have just sent some of their slaves instead? This is EXACTLY why you went from ruling the world to all being stuck on a small island. If it wasn’t for Page 3 girls, you would have nothing.

  5. If you have a blue Penis, maybe Ram’s store has something to cure that.

  6. […] (nor did I read the comic that inspired it) but Tom Richmonds Cartoon Blog and Tannerleah’s Stop Annoying Me Blog, both this week gave much press to the fact that the character Dr Manhatten is nude in much of it […]

  7. Your post inspired my latest editorial cartoon.

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