Watchmen – Worst Movie Ever

March 7, 2009

That’s right, it was absolutely horrible. You may be wondering what could possibly have spurred me to a) write a movie review and b) write it with such negativity? Two words pretty much explain the main problem I had with this movie…blue penis.

Actually, I should probably say it in three words…glowing blue penis. There is a character in the movie who is kind of a kinetic blue (if such a thing exists) and the vast majority of the time, he is buck naked. I don’t know about you but I have no interest in seeing man junk once, let alone several times in a movie. Now, to be fair, he had a pretty large thingy and it was nice looking if you are into that. However, it is quite clear that the director was loving him some man meat.

What agitated me is that he didn’t need to have his junk out all of the time. There are a few scenes where he is wearing a black thong. Well, WTF?…make up your mind. Why not just keep his knob in the banana hammock and save the majority of men in the audience this homoerotic experience? When I want to go gay, I will just crank me up some Clay Aiken and stare at George Clooney posters.

There was also an unbelievable amount of man butt in the movie. Obviously, blue man had his buns out constantly. Also, there were other guy(s) doing it. I couldn’t keep count so it may have been two or ten. I just sat there thinking I would never be able to chop wood in my life again. My God, the humanity of it all. The director did throw in one or two token boobs but hardly enough to compensate for the mental scorched Earth that my mind had already encountered.

As for the plot and movie itself? I couldn’t really give you a review one way or the other. Once the 30 foot glowing blue penis hit the screen, my mind shut down like it had been injected with retard juice. I just sat there with soda and popcorn dribbling out of the corners of my mouth. Even the gratuitous sex scene couldn’t snap me out of it. Why? Because it was full of man butt!!!

God, I feel so dirty right now. I had high hopes that I would see some excessive Carla Gugino boob but that didn’t even happen. Most of the time she was made up to look like an old woman. I need to go grab some Hustlers, JD and coke and smoke a stogie. (And slather myself with Old Spice). Maybe, just maybe, I will get my testosterone levels back up to speed in a couple of months.

In the meantime if my posts go all gay-like for the next several weeks, you can blame it on the glowing blue penis.

This is good:

carla-gugino1

This is just wrong:

blue-penis-man


When Did Wine Become The Drug Du Jour?

March 7, 2009

Here is what I am noticing in boring old suburbia. Soccer moms are strung out on wine at an alarming rate. That’s right. Good old Sally from the PTA (does that org still exist?) gets home everyday and downs a bottle of cab. (That’s wine talk for cabernet). So is Cindy, Mary, Alice and all of the other soccer moms on her street. They are getting loose as a goose by 10pm every night.

How do I know this? Because virtually every woman I know is now on the wine bandwagon. They might have tried Lithium in the past, or weed, but wine gives you the buzz without the stigma of mental illness. Although let’s be honest, that’s what is really driving this alcoholic rage. MADD? Drunk on their ass every night. No, they are not driving but they are hammering the white zinfandel even before dinner is finished being cooked.

This explains to me a lot of things. First, I have been perplexed by how many attractive young women can force themselves into relationships with the Hugh Hefners of the world. Now I know…guzzling wine. It also explains how absolutely horrible TV shows get such good ratings. Greys Anatomy? Being watched by a bunch of 40 something year old zombies drunk on a box of wine they got from the grocery store. Same for Desperate Housewives who, ironically, are the epitome of this new drunk breed.

Do you remember the good old days when you could spot a wino from a mile away? Those days or over my friends. They are around you in full force on a daily basis. It’s like that movie where the pod people were all around you but you didn’t know it. Consider yourself warned.

Is there any upside to this mess? Of course! Many of these shrill, shrew-like women are actually much more tolerable to be around. Plus, every once in a while you get a great story like the one where the woman did the strange guy in the men’s room at the Metrodome. If there was more of that action going on, men would bring you cases of wine home! We would set up a never ending wine IV and just let the good times roll. Sadly, most medicate just enough to get a good nights sleep.

So, all you functioning winos out there…we are hip to your game. You might think that we don’t see what is going down, but we do. We are evaluating a course of action but, rest assured, we are keeping a close eye on you in the meantime. Enjoy it while it lasts.

desperate-winos

Bunch of hot, slutty drunks. Why was wine a bad idea again?