Woman Hits Dead Man In Head With Magic Wand

March 4, 2009

Normally, such a headline would be insignificant. Dead people get hit with stuff all of the time. In fact, I just mentioned the other day that some guy had been “doing the dead” on a regular basis. No, messing with dead bodies is not such a big deal these days. What makes this case interesting is that the hitter was a complete stranger to the dead dude. Never met him in her life…or his.

Nicole Marie-Loretta Leonard, 25 years old, decided that she wanted to attend a funeral and share her love. So she did. She was driving through Laurens County SC, when she passed the Church of God in Gray Court. (I would have stopped just to see why God was in a place called Gray Court). Nicole saw the funeral procession taking place and hopped into line. She was seated in the church for a few minutes when she decided she needed to dance.

Let’s be fair. When someone has the urge to dance, how can you expect them not to? Nicole proceeded to dance about the room and then whipped out a wand. (I also never go anywhere without my wand). She lifted the casket and gently touched the forehead of the dead man with her magic wand. (No, I don’t know why the rest of the congregation just sat there doing nothing). Apparently Nicole’s initial spell did not work. So she whacked him a little harder in the head. Still no results.

Bored with her reincarnation efforts, Nicole took the flowers from atop the casket and started throwing them into the audience. Clearly, Nicole was taking a bow and rewarding her fan base for attending. Upon finishing her act, she ran out of the church, jumped in her car, and drove off. The po-po were called and soon caught up with and arrested Nicole. When asked if all of the things she was accused of doing were true, she merely replied, “Yes”. When asked why she did it, she said she, ” felt it was the right thing to do at the time.” Sounds like a reasonable answer to me.

Here is the lovely Nicole:


Now, I know what you are thinking. She seems like an innocent enough looking young lady. But look a little closer. See the way here googly eyes are all red and Satan like? My sources tell me that she was just seen coming from the movie, Twilight. Dammit! I tried to warn you lemmings, didn’t I? But you just wouldn’t listen. Yet another succubus (or substitute some other devil sounding word) that is a disciple of Satan.

Or, possibly using a much less likely scenario, one whacked out broad that has been hitting the pipe a little too hard lately. Your call.


Small Asteroid Almost Killed You Last Week!

March 4, 2009

That’s right, asteroid 2009 DD45 (Why a DD? Only those zany scientists know) came within a mere 40,000 miles of Earth last Friday. According to most news sources, the asteroid was about 70 to 150 feet in diameter. The New York Post naturally raised that to 200 feet. (They seriously need to work on their rounding of numbers).

Scientists say that the asteroid was big enough to vaporize about 800 square miles. I have a couple of questions. First, is 40,000 miles really close? Close to me is like 20 miles max. 40,000 just seems like a really, really far distance. Like you would need to stack phone books from here to the moon and back 82 times. You know, one of those kind of ridiculous numbers.

My second question is, although I don’t consider the event a “close call”, why am I not finding out about it until 4 days later? I thought we paid people to let us know when this kind of thing was going to happen. We get a warning and then send guys into space to blow it up. Was Bruce Willis too busy dating young chicks or something to help out?

Here is my problem with the whole situation. When the big one comes, and it will, the useless government is not going to say a thing to us. I even sent an e-mail to PhD Brian May to see if he would answer. He didn’t so clearly a serious conspiracy is afoot. The “man” has silenced everyone and when the big rock falls from the sky to kill us, we will just stand there like a bunch of retards short bus graduates moments before we are incinerated.

This is unacceptable to me. I need to know when I am going to get whacked so I can take care of a bunch of last minute tasks. You already know I have to take out some bad drivers. Plus, I have to at least try to reach Sarah Palin before the end. She must know of my love. Plus, I am definitely going to want to have a huge banana split and a variety of other food items. So much to do in so little time.

However, I will never be able to do anything I want to do because the government is so selfish with their information. So, instead of doing all of the things I aspire to do, I will just keep leading my zombie life. Thanks government…thanks a lot.

(Please Allah, do not let me get hammered by e-mails from people that say I am persecuting asteroids. Thank you and amen).