Resurrection Can Be Used As A Get Out Of Jail Card?

March 31, 2009

(Yes, I am aware of the bar stool driving dude but I am over drunk douchebags for the moment).

In what can only be described as ridiculous, Baltimore prosecutors offered to waive charges against a woman accused of starving her baby IF the baby is resurrected. Are you kidding me? The judge in the case even went along with this sham. 

Where was this rule when Jesus was crucified? How come the Jews aren’t off the hook for that murder? I mean, it’s not like he is still dead and there obviously is no body. If only the Jews had gone to court in Baltimore. 

As usual, the guilty party, Ria Ramkissoon, was brainwashed as part of a cult so it really wasn’t her fault. This is another of those awesome cults that pop up from time to time. This one was named One Mind Ministries. It probably should have been called 4 Idiot Ministries since that’s how many members there were. Here is Ria and her poor, deceased baby.


Apparently, Ria’s one year old baby did not say “amen” after eating and developed a “rebellious spirit”. What the hell can a one year old possibly do to be rebellious? Roll over too often? Poop too much? Stare aimlessly into space for long periods of time?

No, this is yet another case of a nut job having a baby and then wanting to dispose of the child. This time, instead of an oven or microwave, Ria decided to just starve the baby. For my money, that makes the crime all that much more heinous. 

Is she crazy? No doubt. Was she part of the 4 person cult? Who gives a flying fu**? She needs to go to jail for forever plus an additional 20 years for dumb assed-ness. Granted, if they had pulled off the resurrection, I would be much more open to a lenient sentence. Sadly, Queen Antoinette (the cult leader) was just not able to pull it off. 

Cult or not, anyone associated with this murder needs to go to the big house for a long time. They can pray to whomever they would like and try to resurrect rats and roaches for practice. Better yet, let’s kill one of the four and let the other 3 see if they can bring them back. 

Please, no more cults, brainwashing, insanity, or other stupid pleas. And prosecutors; stop being so damned lazy in doing your job. She was stone cold guilty and there was absolutely no need for a plea deal or this silly “promise” to drop the charges if the kid “rose”. C’mon Baltimore…I know you suck as a city but act like you still care. 

Resurrect this

Teachers Should Not Show Up To Work Drunk

March 30, 2009

Or so the high strung do-gooders in Land O’ Lakes, FL would have you believe. Kylene Nelson, a language arts teacher at Rushe Middle School, showed up to work in a particularly happy mood. Soon, she was dancing with her students and having a grand old time. 

It seems that another jealous teacher felt like harshing her mellow and ratted her out to the school administration for being too happy. At this point she was removed from the classroom. When the police arrived to take her into custody, she was found passed out at a nearby recreation center. Police said her blood alcohol was 3 times the legal limit. 

Of course it was! She is a freaking teacher, for God’s sake. If you had to put up with loud, rotten kids all day wouldn’t you be getting your drink on by the first recess? Hell, I expected my teachers to be either drunk or high. The alternative was to be suicidal. 

If you don’t think teaching is tough, ask yourself why they are always doing stuff to end up in jail. They video the shower rooms, sleep with students, show up drunk, and do a variety of other illegal things. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean every teacher does this stuff. Just maybe about 86% of them. (That is a stat I created from my research. It is pointless in trying to disprove it). Let’s face it, teachers would be hookers or street bums if the state and county wasn’t paying their salaries. Again, not ALL of them…just most. 

When I was young and sleeping with my music teacher, I appreciated that she needed to get drunk before getting her freak on with me. I didn’t care for the fact that at the tender age of 14, I had to buy her booze for her. Still, the risk was worth the reward. 

Today’s teachers have way too many rules to live by. No smoking, drinking, screwing, cursing, gambling, or any fun vice allowed on campus. No wonder they are so miserable. Let’s roll the clock back and get back to school like it used to be in the old days. You know, the days where you could just punch a kid in the head if he acted like a douche. That’s what we used to call tough love. 

In the meantime, support your local teachers. Sneak them in as much booze as you can or maybe a blunt or two. They are under tremendous pressure and their Prozac just isn’t strong enough. Do it for the children.

My Tattoo Problem

March 29, 2009

My daughter is old enough to have a tattoo these days and, like many young women, thinks she would like one. (Hopefully, something small and discreet. Not, “Party Starts Here Guys” like her mom has). To discourage her, I told her that I would also get a tattoo the same day she did. In essence, she now has the power to mark me for life. So far, I have not had to taint my pristine body canvas but I worry that the day is getting close.

To prepare for this, I have been scouring the Internet in hopes of finding something suitable for an old geezer like me. Dragons, “mom”, crosses, and battleships are out of the running. Here are a couple of the better ones I have seen.


Now, I will be honest. I am not sure I am brave enough to have my eyebrows shaved. The words are not the problem but no eyebrows? That’s just crazy. Another one I like allows me to grow naturally into a larger frame.


I don’t have quite that big of a belly button because I have not suffered an apparent shotgun blast to that area. Still, you have to admit it would be awfully sexy to be sporting that tat around town. The chicks would be all over me!

So, I need your help. I am drawing a complete blank on this task. I could have an arrow that pointed to the side and the phrase, “I did her mother”. Then I could just walk next to my daughter all day to get maximum efficacy out of it. Or, in the interest of making a political statement, I could get a tat of a Mexican living in my stomach with the words, “Hey, they have to live somewhere” underneath.

So many choices and so little time. Can you please help a brother out and give me some good ideas? I hate pain so the smaller the tat the better. Also, I need to know where to put it. (And although my thingy is still quite huge, I am not even considering that as an option). Maybe under a roll of fat like some of the hot girls at a bar I frequent do it. I am trying to stay away from the neck and forearms because I am currently employed and need to stay that way.

Thanks for the help. I am going to need it. TL

ShamWow Dude Pounds A Hooker (and not in a good way)

March 28, 2009

You know that annoying little gremlin looking dude? You know, he sells ShamWows and that little chopping cup thing on TV. Well he’s in big trouble. Here’s his pic:


The Smoking Gun has a great story of how he was busted last month for busting up a hooker. Shamwow dudes real name is Vince Shlomi. (Think he was called Heywood Jablomi in school? Ok, maybe not). Anyway, Vince is seemingly living large these days. He was staying in a posh Miami hotel when he went out on the town to get his drink on.

At some point, Sasha Harris (aka “the hooker”) propositioned wee man for straight sex. First of all, it strikes me that ShamWow dude is into anything but straight sex. Still, for the excellent price of $1000, he accepted. So off our happy couple go to Vince’s suite.

What happens next is a little odd. It seems that when Vince gave Sasha a kiss, she clamped onto his toungue with her teeth. Now, if I remember my prostitution etiquette correctly, you are not supposed to kiss hookers on the mouth. This is their way of keeping an emotional distance. So, it seems that Vince was breaking a cardinal rule by trying to kiss her and got what he deserved.

In his version of the story, he needed to punch her several times in the face to get her to let go. Really? The police report says she suffered facial fractures. Hell, even Chris Brown wasn’t that rough. My guess is that she bit him and he proceeded to pound the crap out of her. (Ladies, are you starting to learn a lesson about dating little guys yet?) I guess at this point she ran from the room and the police were called.

I want to know a couple of things. First, how does this little rat have so much cash? Paying $1000 bucks for hookers and $1000 bucks for a hotel room? Then partying at some swank club? I am so going to start making infomercials for cable TV. Second, who the fu** is this guy and where the hell did he come from? He is like a cheaper version of the dude with the black beard that is always yelling. Who was a cheaper version of that Tony dude with the pony tail. Who was a cheaper version of the master, Ron Popeil. Where the hell has Ron run off to?

Oh well, I guess no more Vince commercials. Can’t say that I will miss him. I now need to go write a script for my new product, ToiletGuard. This is a rail that pops up on either side of the toilet when boys/men are urinating. I can’t tell you anymore but the ladies will appreciate it.

PS: My son wanted to know if Vince cleaned up the blood with a ShamWow. I am so proud.

How Will We Ever Solve The “Sexting” Problem?

March 27, 2009

This is such a difficult problem for parents and authorities. As you no doubt are aware, “sexting” is the act of sending provocative photos of yourself through your cell phone. Specifically, this has been a fad for under aged school kids. It is quite the conundrum. 

Fortunately, as usual, I have come up with a solution. Take the damned phone away from them!!! My God, is this really that complicated? If your kid is too irresponsible to handle a cell phone, they shouldn’t have one. The same goes for Internet access. Where in the hell are the parents? 

Oh wait; if you take the phone away the kid might be mad at you. Then your relationship as their best buddy might be sullied. Get over it you, you lazy mouth breather. You are NOT supposed to be a buddy; you are supposed to be a parent. Start acting like one. 

Recently, a 14 year old girl in New Jersey (of course) was arrested for child pornography for posting nude photos of herself on her MySpace page. Are you kidding me? They actually arrested a 14 year old? Again I ask, why are the parent(s) not being arrested? Why does this kid have access to the Internet? How about instead of arresting her you get her some counseling and some parenting classes for the useless parents? 

When I was a kid I wanted a machine gun for Christmas that shot plastic bullets. On Christmas morning, I got up at about 5am and found that Santa had brought the machine gun. I proceeded to shoot off every bulb off of the tree. Why? Because no one bothered to get out of bed to stop me. Eventually, the gun was confiscated from me and I never so it again. But that was ok, the damage was already done. 

Kids will do whatever you let them do. That’s why they are kids. Can we please stop blaming them for their mistakes and start holding the parents accountable? Rarely is a kid truly a “bad kid”. The vast majority of time they just need love and direction from someone. So you lazy a** parents that don’t know what your kids are doing need to wake up. Will it prevent stupid things from happening? Not always but at least you will find out about it before the state police are banging on your door. 

Now I, as a consenting adult, need to go post some more nude photos of myself on my MySpace page. This batch is going to be extra hot!

Love Is Growing On Me Friday

March 27, 2009

Per Liz’s request, I present the Captain and Tennille

As I was watching this, I thought of another love song about “staying together”. Of course, this one is about “The Herpes”. (Are ya feelin’ me, Tizzle?)

How To Keep Your Man From Straying

March 26, 2009

Liz sent me a great article on how a resourceful Connecticut woman decided to keep her man from getting away from her. She handcuffed herself to him while he slept. 

That’s right; Helen Sun snuck into her estranged husband’s bedroom and handcuffed herself to him while he slept. What a simple yet elegant plan! To be fair, the estranged husband, Robert Drawbough, thought it would be a good idea to try to reconcile with Helen. So, really, it is just as much his fault. 

Before he returned from LA to begin the reconciliation, Helen bought some handcuffs and changed the lock on the bedroom door. Maybe she learned her style of reconciliation from watching the Deer Hunter over and over. The only thing that was missing was a gun and Christopher Walken. “Mao, mao!!!” (Slightly obscure if you haven’t seen the movie). 

When Robert awoke and found out he was handcuffed to Helen, he reacted poorly. He managed to get his hand on a cell phone and call 911. (This link has the story and the 911 call – Dude is a whiny baby). During the call, you can hear Bob scream like a girl several times. Sure, it probably was due to the biting that Helen was inflicting on him but c’mon, take it like a man. Do you think Sean Connery would have screamed? Of course not. You would have heard one “mmphh” in a Scottish accent, the sound of flesh on flesh, and then the sound of Helen’s body hitting the floor unconscious.   

And look at Helen’s mug shot. She is unmarked (Well, except for acne).


A real man would have at least done a Chris Brown on her and that would have stopped the biting immediately. Instead, Bob just screams and screams waiting for the po-po to bail him out. What a girly man. 

Helen’s attorney suggested to the court that maybe Helen was slightly bat sh** and that might explain her behavior. Ya think? I have to admit, I am tired of people playing the crazy card on such mundane things. If Robert had awoken to find Helen gnawing on his kidney that she cut out of him while she slept, I would believe it. Handcuffs? That’s not crazy, that’s being a typical woman. (And you thought I had lost my misogynistic touch).   

Anyway, I hope that Helen gets out quickly so I can see what part two of her plan to win Robert back is. I am sure she can step up her game and make it something truly magnificent. We are rooting for you Helen! You go girl!

Another Reason Facebook is Evil

March 25, 2009

Meet Indiana state trooper Chris Pestow. Pestow has a Facebook page and loaded the following photos on it. He seems to have an interesting life and no doubt wants to share it will all of the fans of state troopers out there. All was right with the world and then something changed. See if you can figure out where things went wrong:


So far, so good. A fine looking officer. All serious and professional looking.


Here is Chris’ buddy, Officer Andrew Deddish. Seems like a nice enough guy. Looks like an awkward stance, however. Wait…what is he holding in his hand?


Oops. This one is not going to go over so well. Something about one cop holding a gun to another cops head (while holding a beverage) that could potentially get someone in trouble. In this case, it is both of these fine officers.

Deddish is on the hook for pointing the gun. Apparently, there is some sort of rule against this. Chris is in trouble for “Facebooking” while he was at work. He has several entries timed and dated when he was on duty. I guess they expect troopers not to have a social life. What can it hurt to tell a few jokes on Facebook while you are in the middle of a high speed pursuit?

I think the punishment, if they are guilty, should be ordering them to write  daily blogs. Then they would see what real pressure is. Before you know it they will be making up fake medical conditions or “new” products for consumers to use. Who knows what depths you they will be forced to sink to. (Can I just say, unless you are Hunter S Thompson, the gun is probably a bit much).

So let me say again for the umpteenth time…stop with the Twittering and Facebook! You are dying a slow and painful death. Get away from your computer and enjoy your life! It’s too late for me and some of the others around here but we had our chances. But this damned narcotic known as “blogging” is just too strong. Every time I think I am out, it pulls me back in. Don’t be your keyboards bitch. (Mine looks like Lynda Carter so it is easier for me to take).

Good luck on your Facebook pages fellas. Something tells me you might have a surplus of free time soon. Maybe you could start a blog? There is always room here in hell on the Internet.

Obama Is On TV Again? WTF?

March 24, 2009

When did Barry get his own sitcom? Jesus, Joseph and Allah, when is he NOT on TV these days? We get it…you are the black Jesus. You don’t need to throw it in our face every 2 weeks in prime time. Couldn’t you do Letterman tonight instead? Or perhaps go on The View and argue with those idiots? How many more speeches about the economy do we need to hear? Stop talking and start doing. (Spend a couple or more trillion, or something).

Don’t get me wrong; I like Barry. Sure, he is as dirty as any politician and his constant smile on 60 Minutes was absolutely bizarre but c’mon…he has charisma with capital KKK’s. I just want him to dress it up a little. How about walking out to the podium wearing a Fedora and throwing a gang sign. “East side biyatches! Whitey ain’t on up in here, no mo’. Ya feel me?” That would be awesome.

However, since Barry doesn’t speak “black”, he could just come out sporting an awesome fro.


(See how my Photoshop skills continue to improve? I even added a little soul patch).

This would show that he has a sense of humor and is all virile like Billy Dee Williams. In fact, he should hold up a can of Colt 45 or a bucket of chicken. Then little Gary Coleman could come out after his speech and say, “What you talkin’ bout Barry?” Ah…good times. (Well, not really “good times” or it would have been “dy-no-mite!!!). Then Barry could have said. “You sure are a tiny Mother Fu” – and out pops Lawanda Page to say “shut yo mouth”.

Admit it, you would pay a 60% tax rate if you could get this kind of entertainment on television. And I haven’t even killed anyone or shown boobs…yet.

Sadly, NONE of this is going to happen. He will just drone on and on about the same stuff and then go do whatever his rich cohorts instruct him to do. How tedious. At least Dubya would make faces and wink. (And say nuke-u-lar at least a dozen times). Barry is just boring. I guess I can always watch Sanford and Son to get my Lawanda Page fix. Speaking of which, how awesome would it have been to have Redd Foxx as the POTUS? That dude was old school funny. Not for the kids but still some funny stuff.

And one final thought. If all of you guilty white people would have done the right thing, we could be watching endless coverage of the great Sarah Palin. It might be boring but the tingling would absolutely make it worth it. (Where have you gone Sarah Palin girl, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you, woo woo woo.)

Lance Armstrong Sucks

March 23, 2009

I am very busy this week but I wanted to just offer this thought. How come Lance can “beat” cancer but can’t “beat” a simple collar bone injury. What a pussy.

Put some tape on it and get back on your candy a** bike you whiny baby. By the way, when I was banging Sheryl Crow last night, she didn’t mention your name once…not once. How do you like me now, Bike Boy?

That is all. Just a quick hit and run. Sorry for the rip off.