Academy Award Predictions

February 22, 2009

To be honest, I don’t really want to do this. However, since I have been asked, I will concede. Here are my choices for tonight’s Oscars.

Best Actor –

  • Richard Jenkins – No one has ever heard of him nor seen his movie.
  • Frank Langella – Died several years ago so might get the sympathy vote.
  • Brad Pitt – Really? It’s not enough that he gets to bang Angie? Not gonna happen.
  • Mickey Rourke – Just looking at him makes me feel dirty. What a nut job. No Oscar for you.
  • Sean Penn – True, he plays a gay guy but, hey, it’s Sean Penn. Congrats on your victory!

Best Actress –

  • Anne Hathaway – Very doable but just too young. Did I mention she is highly doable?
  • Melissa Leo – Who? Next please.
  • Meryl Streep – Like Frank Langella, died a few years back. Could get pity vote.
  • Angelina Jolie – Should win but won’t. Too many tats. It doesn’t matter how cute they are.
  • Kate Winslet – Wins because Oprah said she has nice boobs. Oh, and they have to always have a token Brit win.

Directing –

  • Seriously, does anyone care? Besides, Clint Eastwood should have won for Torino. Academy di** lickers.

Supporting Actress –

  • Only two matter…Penelope Cruz and Marisa Tomei. As much as I love Penny, Marisa was smoking hot and crazy good in The Wrestler. Congrats Marisa. (To other nominees – sorry never heard of you nor have any desire to hear from you. Buh-Bye).

Supporting Actor –

  • Josh Brolin – I like Josh but I like his dad James more. Josh = loser.
  • Robert Downey Jr. – Who made these selections? Black face in the 2000’s? This struck someone as a good idea? And funny?
  • Michael Shannon – Another token Brit. Sorry guv… no win.
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman – Maybe the weirdest cat in Hollywood. Might have a shot.
  • Heath Ledger – Can you really not allow his daughter to go onstage and collect the hardware? Slam dunk. And well deserved I might add.

Best Picture –

  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Interesting premise turned into a chick flick. Oh, hell no.
  • The Reader – Brit flick that is a better cure for insomnia than sleeping pills
  • Milk – Movie about a gay mayor. Do you really think this has a shot? Didn’t think so.
  • Frost / Nixon – Two of the most boring-est people in the world. Sure, I would love to sit through a movie where they chit chat
  • Slumdog Millionaire – Even though I still don’t know why they played for rubies instead of cash, here is your winner. Forrest Gump goes to Bollywood.

As you can see, a pretty damned weak year. Hopefully, there will be plenty of cleavage in tonight’s show to keep me up until 9 or 10. Other than that, this is a snooze fest.

I hope you enjoyed my predictions because I did not. This kind of stuff is pure tedium to me. Still, I am merely here to serve and serve I did. You are welcome.


Satanist Inmate Sues County For Discrimination

February 21, 2009

Jason Paul Indreland has filed  a $10 million lawsuit against Yellowstone County (in Montana) for civil rights discrimination. Included in the complaint is an allegation that the county is prohibiting Jason from practicing his satanic religion. The suit goes on to say that the complainant had a religious medallion confiscated and he was denied access to a “Satanic Bible or Book of Satanic Rituals”. On top of these complaints, Jason alleges that he was discriminated and harassed because of his religious beliefs and placed in situations where “violence was expected”.

According to Jason, he has been practicing Satanism for the past decade. Her is a photo of the servant of Satan:

jason-indreland

Jason is currently serving 5 years at the Montana State Prison for a meth arrest. Here is an example of some of the persecution that he faced as written in his complaint. “Christian natured greeting cards under (his) cell door describing how he was going to undertake a huge change in his life and how Jesus was ready to save and accept him.” Obviously, for a Satanist, the whole Jesus thing is a bit of a problem.

So, what to make of all of this? Pretty silly, eh? Here’s a little test. Go back and read this again and insert Jesus or Christian into the appropriate areas. Still ridiculous? I suspect most Christians would say that if this kind of harassment was happening to a follower of Christ, this would be entirely unacceptable. Can you imagine any state taking a crucifix away from a prisoner or denying them access to the Bible? It would never happen.

Here is what I don’t understand. If you can believe in God / Jesus because of the Bible, then surely you could equally believe in Satan since she is also in the Bible, no? So why is Jason’s complaint any less legitimate? Because he is not part of the majority? Don’t get me wrong, I find most complaints by prisoners to be frivolous. You know why? Because they are in prison! They did the crime now they can do the time…with their mouth shut.

Still, it is remarkable to me that state officers would be trying to help Jason “find Jesus” (Once again, Jesus has gone missing. Get the Amber Alert going). Would they accept Jason slipping Satan cards under their doors? Highly doubtful. This is, at its core, the continuing problem for all religions of the world. The “my way or the highway” doctrine. If you don’t believe in MY God the way that I believe in MY God, by the rules that I follow, then somehow, you are less of a person for it. Worse, you are going to burn in hell. Just being “Left Behind” is not good enough. (By the way, the first couple of those books were quite enjoyable).

So, all of my Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, etc. friends. I call on all of you to respect the rights and privileges we are afforded as human beings. Respect the Pentagram! (Or ox head or virginal sacrifice or whatever the hell else Devil worshippers are up to these days. I guess I need to watch the satanic Twilight again).

Amen and Hallelujah. Brother TL.

PS: Am I gay if I am sitting here listening to Alanis Morissette? (“I’m sick but I’m pretty”…love that line).


This Will Perk Up Your Friday

February 20, 2009

Should You Go To Jail For Killing Birds?

February 20, 2009

That was my first thought when I read the headline, “Seven arrested in bird massacre”. I thought that these 7 were probably poor rednecks who needed food and that trumped any concern they might have for the birds.

Boy, was I wrong. These 7 absolutely deserved to be arrested and I hope they are significantly fined for their ridiculous behavior. Let me introduce you to the “Bird Killing 7”.

mccluremeadswilhelmlisamatoshaughnessygursky

 

 

 

 

That’s right. Turns out these 7 were just spoiled rich kid douche bags. Mato looks especially douchey and needs to have a good a** whippin’ put on him. Shaughnessy really needs to look into buying some new shades. And Meads, apparently the token whore in the group, should really find a better group of friends. C’mon Ms. Meads. You are a pretty girl (although you should dial back on the eyeliner). You can do better than these monkeys. (No, I am not making an Obama reference).

Here is the damage that these idiots caused.

bird-massacre

Now, I am not a PETA guy nor do I have some soft spot for birds. In fact, except for animals I eat on a regular basis, I am not too concerned about the subject of animals at all. Still, this is just ridiculous. This just reeks of spoiled rotten children that have no regard for anything other than themselves.

I don’t think we call these idiots yuppies anymore, so what are they? I know they are douche bags but is there some sort of generational term that should be applied to them? I am sure someone will fill me in.

I would like to see the Magnificent Seven pay a substantial fine and then be sentenced to 30 days of cleaning up bird sh** in whatever city they live in. If they don’t have bird droppings, they can work in an animal shelter and clean the cages. I would really prefer they be a** raped by some big dudes in jail but that’s just because that dumba** grin on the Matos kid bugs me.

Are these the kids that will lead the next generation? Awesome. I might as well just die now so I don’t have to endure the stupidity. This just strengthens the case that we should let more hard working immigrants into this country before the entire concept of work is completely lost.

Maybe instead of yuppies they should be called “Hiltons”. This group looks suspiciously like the type of people that would hang with Paris. “Ooh…you killed a bunch of ugly birds…that’s hot”.

I am going to get drunk right now.

http://www.nbc-2.com/Articles/readarticle.asp?articleid=26189&z=3


Man Killed For Peeing On Building

February 19, 2009
Shawn Johnson just could not hold it any longer. He had to pee and he had to pee now! So, with apparently no other avenue available, Shawn whipped it out and started to do his business next to a food store. It was dark and deserted, so this seemed like a fairly easy way to solve his problem.

Unfortunately for Shawn, the store was owned by Leroy Moon. I guess Leroy has a really, really big problem with this sort of thing. As Shawn’s wife Mildred stood and watched, Leroy came out of the store, yelled at Shawn to stop, and killed him. Just like that. (To be fair, as you all know, you can’t just stop peeing on a dime like that anyway).

There are all kinds of problems with this story. First, Leroy, isn’t it going to be a much bigger problem cleaning up blood rather than pee? I mean, you just can’t get blood out of anything these days. Plus, and I am not judging here, but you may have just slightly over reacted. I could understand if the guy had dropped his drawers and deposited a log, but he just peed. Does that really warrant the death penalty?

I realize that this happened in Detroit where anything is possible but doesn’t it seem like there might be a bit more to this story than we are missing? The name of Leroy’s store is “Asian Fisheries”. Maybe Shawn made a crack about Leroy’s wife smelling like fish, or something. Maybe it was a crack deal gone bad. I suppose at some point the truth will come out. All I know is that Leroy is 69 years old. I doubt he really wants spend the rest of his “golden years” in jail because he just had an urge to pop a cap in some guys a**.

As usual, I have a question. Why the hell is there a fish store in the middle of a black neighborhood? White people are the only ones that eat fish. And they only do that because they are convinced it is “good” for them. Sure it is. Anything that is slimy and smells like a hoo-hoo must be good for you. Whatever you say.

Take note all of you dill weeds that like to take a leak in public. You might just come up against someone like Leroy Moon and that will be your last damned public potty break. You feeling me Mark Wahlberg? Keep it in your pants. Oh, and say hi to your mother for me.

 


Obama Looks Like A Dead Monkey?

February 18, 2009

Do me a favor. Look at this cartoon out of the New York Post:

obama-the-monkey

What is the first thing you think of when you see that cartoon? Two things immediately popped into my mind. First, both of those cops need to get nose jobs. Seriously, how can they even carry those things around without hurting their necks everyday? The second thing I thought was, “Damn, that guy is a pretty good shot”. Sure, it was at close range but I bet the monkey was acting all…well…apesh**!

Basically, every media whore personality, jumped on the fact that the monkey was meant to portray Obama. Now you know that I, being an occasional black person, do not condone any kind of racial bigotry. (Ok, I do have an issue with Eskimos). But besides the nose rubbers, I am the first to stand up for what is right when it comes to these matters. And so, the truth is the first thing I thought of when I saw this was that even an idiot monkey could write that piece of crap bailout bill.

That’s the honest to Jehovah truth. It wasn’t until I was surfing later that I read the comments of the Honorable Rev. Al Sharpton. Reverend Al said  the cartoon was, “troubling at best given the historic racist attacks of African-Americans as being synonymous with monkeys.” Really? We just voted a kind of black man in office but if you make a monkey joke you are racist? I completely and utterly miss the correlation.

This continues to be a problem for our country in all aspects of race, gender, and religion. Every group, even white males (KKK) feel like they are somehow being offended and read way to much into the most innocuous events. Could we all just sac up a little please? There are plenty of real crimes against humanity out there. So many, in fact, that I could just write a blog about them everyday. Gay person being beaten? Yup. Person of color being assaulted? Check. Woman being sexually abused? Several times a day. When this kind of thing gets blown out of proportion, it takes the spotlight off of the real problems we face.

Eh…enough of my soapbox speech. Back to what you hoodlums came here for.

One time, in band camp, I met that hot monkey chick from Planet of the Apes. (You know, the one that Charlton Heston wanted to bang). Well, we knocked back a few banana daiquiris after practice one day and can I just tell you she rocked my world! Monkey chicks can do the most amazing things! And her tail? Oh my God…if only all women had a tail. What a wonderful world it would be. I don’t know where you are monkey woman, but I still fling my poopy around every once in a while just like we did in the old days. I miss you…

my-monkey-and-chuck-heston

(That damned Heston! Always trying to get busy with my monkey girlfriend).


When Will I Get My Mortgage Bailout Check?

February 18, 2009

I am sorry; I should have said “mortgage mitigation” check. Sounds much less welfare like, doesn’t it? Will I get it tomorrow? In a month? A year? Never? Bingo! I think I just landed on the correct answer.

Last year, 2.3 million homes were foreclosed on. So, if the number stays about the same this year, we can “give” each of these homeowners $21,739 each. Do you think that is enough? Maybe we should “give” them more…maybe 100 billion instead of 50. That way, they can have some leftover money and take a nice vacation. After all, they have been through a lot.

Since, the above is clearly not going to happen, where the hell is all of this money going? To the banks? Why in the world should they get a dime? To me, a bad loan is equivalent to loaning family members money. You know you are never going to get repaid so, in essence, you are just giving them the money. That’s exactly what the banks did so, as Michael would say, they can suck it.

The homeowners are not going to see anything close to $21k a household. So I ask again, where is all of this money going to go? Let me guess. It will go to banks so they can “do the right thing”. As we have seen with the various stimulus packages already out there, corporations take these handouts incentives seriously. So, we definitely can trust them to do the right thing. Whew…I feel better knowing that competent people are in charge of this mess.

Here is the problem. For every hard working family where the primary bread winner has lost their job, there are 3 homeowners who cashed in on the no money down, ridiculous ARM loan, crazy days of everyone gets a house. For the guy, or gal, that lost their job, I have no problem with them getting help. For the rest, they are SUPPOSED to lose their house! That is exactly how high risk mortgages are supposed to work. If you come up snake eyes, oh well. Pack your El Camino, take down your bed sheet curtains, and get the hell out. 

Wow TL, kind of being harsh, aren’t you? No, not at all. I can tell you from personal experience that when you can’t make a rent payment, this is exactly what happens to you. You and your family get thrown out on your collective a**es. I can’t remember EVER getting bailed out when we were getting kicked to the curb. Was it the landlords fault that we didn’t pay our bills? No. We had no one to blame but ourselves. But an important lesson is learned. You either get your crap together or pick out a lovely box to live in on the corner of MLK Blvd and Highway 42.

Dammit Barry! Put your check book away and let these things resolve themselves. We will all be better off for it in the long run. If you can’t help yourself, I expect my mortgage mitigation check pronto.


You Can’t Chop Your Wife’s Head Off In America

February 17, 2009

Maybe that kind of stuff is ok in other parts of the world, but we don’t cotton to that kind of behavior in the US. You can stab, shoot, strangle, run over, or choose a variety of other ways to kill your spouse. Chopping the head off? That’s a big no-no.

Muzzammil Hassan started Bridges TV in 2004 in an attempt to balance the negative portrayal of Muslims after the 9/11 attacks. (I have never watched the show as it is not listed among the 600 cable channels that I have). It is unclear whether his efforts were fruitful. However, this we do know. Cutting your wife’s head off is not going to be seen in a favorable light. Let the Muslim bashing begin.

Muzzammil (or Muzzy as I know him) was charged with second degree murder. Can I ask a question? If chopping someone’s head off is not premeditated murder, what is? Wouldn’t it take a hell of a lot of effort to make that happen? Wouldn’t you start to get tired about half way through and think to yourself, “Maybe I am slightly over reacting. I should leave the head on”.

Muzzy was having trouble in his marriage as his wife had filed for divorce after several domestic abuse complaints. So, this guy was the quintessential stereotypical Muslim. What he claims he hoped to make better he has now just reinforced. This is just more crap that my Muslim brothers are going to have to put up with now. Muzzy is to Muslims what OJ is to blacks…a lightening rod. Also like OJ, he has left two young children without a mother. I don’t know what the Muslim equivalent for hell is but I hope that’s where Muzzy is headed. (Instead of 72 virgins you get 72 old, clapped out whores?)

There is some concern that the killing will be seen as an “honor killing” since the Quran allows husbands to punish disobedient women. Of course, if this is the case, then I take back all of the bad things I have just written about Muzzy. Clearly, an “honor killing” is perfectly acceptable and the way you decide to carry this killing out is irrelevant. Even a meat grinder or wood chipper is acceptable under those conditions.

While I personally don’t condone these actions, I do understand that different cultures have different values and belief systems. For instance, can you imagine a religion that doesn’t eat beef? There is one. What about a religion that thinks blacks are devils? Got that one too. What about a religion that believes in an invisible man that lives in the sky that hears and sees everything that happens in the world and has favorite sports teams? I think you can see where I am going with this. “Let he who lives in a stone house cast the first glass out of the rock window”…as it says in scripture.

I wonder if Chris Brown is Muslim?


UFO Attacks Texas – Subs & Sats Collide

February 16, 2009

First, I would like to say thank you to our UFO buddies for attacking Texas. If anyone needs to be attacked, it is Texas. Having said that, our little alien friends better be careful because we all know that you don’t mess with Texas. I can easily see a few of these little green guys getting shot and turned into a nice chili or some sort of mystery meat burger.

With the attack from the heavens came the usual denials from the US Government. “What? We didn’t see no UFO. We looked but can’t find anything”. What a bunch of lying goons.  I am not a big believer in extra terrestrials but I am also not a big believer in anything Uncle Sam has to say to me either.

I think it is pretty obvious that if a meteor was about to blow the earth into a bazillion pieces, or ET landed on our planet, we would be the last people to know. “Gee Bob, what’s that big ball of fire coming at us in the sky?” Our government doesn’t even tell us the obvious stuff like where all the “rescue” money went and why we are really going to war. Is there any reason to believe they would try to explain a difficult concept to us?

Now, we also find out that satellites are banging off each other in outer space and two nuke-u-lar subs crashed into each other in the ocean. I am not the science expert that Liz is, but aren’t the ocean and outer space kind of big? How incompetent of a driver must you be to ram your stuff into someone else’s stuff?

In the end, I suspect that this is what the fireball over Texas was. Some sort of trial spacecraft that one of these genius pilots flew into a flock of seagulls. Instead of telling us how they just lost a $500 million spacecraft, they just say, “I don’t know what it was”. They need to start taking out insurance policies on all of this crap like the rest of us do. When I trash my Pinto, I don’t just get to go get a new one without first filling out a ton of paperwork.

I hope if aliens ever do land on earth, they go to Canada first. If they are evil and kill everyone, no big loss. If they are nice, the Canadians will make them feel good and get us off to a good start. Sure, they will have them saying “aboot” in no time but I think that is a small price to pay. Plus, Shania Twain can be their ambassador. What kind of alien wouldn’t appreciate hanging out with Shania?


What Disease Do You Have?

February 15, 2009

Recently, a friend of mine confided to me that she had rheumatoid arthritis (RA). Now, to be perfectly honest, I was not exactly sure what that meant. I know what arthritis is…it was the rheumatoid part that I was unfamiliar with. So, in my kindest, most soothing voice I asked, “Is that the one where you go all shaky?” (For effect, I picked up my drink and shook it violently). She paused for a moment and said, “No, but thank you for your compassion”. She didn’t need to thank me, that’s what friends are for.

Since it was clear she didn’t really want to go into it, I decided to Wiki the subject. Let me be honest again, if RA is one of those diseases where you start swearing really loudly for no reason or fall to the floor twitching, I was going to need to find an escape hatch for this relationship pronto. I understand it is not their fault but I am not not good with dealing with such things. (I have asked my wife to have me put down if I should ever be so afflicted).

What I found on Wiki was not terribly disturbing. Primarily, it seems it is a joint problem and it leaves you aching a lot. There are a lot of medications available so it seems like my friend can continue to lead a fairly normal life. I was about to exit out of the page when I scrolled down and saw this photo:

arthrite_rhumatoide

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Are you fu**ing kidding me?!? She is going to turn into the Elephant Man. (Well, Elephant Woman to be more specific). How in the world am I supposed to ignore that? What if she wants to shake hands sometimes? I am just supposed to grab her claw like nothing is happening? I am going to have to put some serious consideration on how to deal with this.

Look, I realize we all have some sort of physical imperfection (like mine being the extra long ding-ding…which has since been fixed). I was just kind of hoping it was something less obvious. Say like “shaky leg syndrome”. That one only seems to hit when you are lying down so it is basically a non-issue for most of us. Or maybe that one where you have to pee every 20 minutes. (Personally, I would just duct tape a Glad bag to my thingy but I can understand how others might be more particular). Or even some sort of yeast infection or Monkey Pox. You know…stuff that goes on everyday around you but you are unaware of it.

I guess if I am going to be a good friend, I am going to have to embrace her regardless of what happens. (And when I say embrace, I most assuredly mean metaphorically speaking). Man, maybe that whole Tourettes thing wouldn’t have been so bad after all.

Now that you know that I care for all God’s children, even the deformed ones, feel free to share your maladies with me. I will be sensitive and responsive to your needs and, as Jerry Lewis says, “You’ll never walk alone”. (Which, by the way, I have always found offensive since he is singing it to people in wheelchairs. His attempt at irony? Poor taste in my book).

As always, all of my love. TL