Rihanna To Become Full Time Punching Bag

February 28, 2009

In what can only be described as a truly heartwarming story, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently gotten back together. Ri-Ri needed the love and devotion of such an exemplary man and Chris needed…well…a human punching bag.

For those of you that have not experienced any quality time with a woman beater, let me help you out. First, it is NEVER the guys fault. It is always something that the woman said or did that provoked the male to behave in such a poor manner. Also, you can bet your bottom dollar that he is going to punch the hell out of another woman sooner or later. It might be the first girlfriend or someone new.

The bottom line is that once you go black, you never go back. It’s the same for punching women. Once you experience the rush of your knuckles caving in a female’s soft flesh and delicate bone structure, nothing is ever quite as satisfying again. Know this about young Chris…he has tasted blood and will taste it again. The odds are stacked very high in favor of that someone being Rihanna.

Before anyone even THINKS of running to the rescue of Mr. Brown, they need to rethink their position. If his punch had been on any number of pressure points on here face, he could have easily killed her. Would he “need a second chance” then? Also, once you are a punk ass bitch that hits women, you always will be. There is no scenario where he will not feel the need to show his power through physical aggression. I don’t know this, but I bet good old Chris is a little fella. Maybe 5’7″ or something like that? Little guys that punch women are the worst. They need to be sent to prison and ass raped as soon as possible to get there head back on straight again. Call it “tough love”.

So Rhianna, I am sorry that the people that are supposed to care about you let you down. I am sure they have convinced you that somehow the incident was partly your fault. They are wrong. There is nothing you can do or say that should cause a man to raise his fists to you. Period. It’s a very simple law that has been around for a very long time. However, since you are not being supported by intelligent people, I can only hope that after one of these beatings you will say, “enough is enough”.

One last thing, Rihanna. While you may be ok with being his sparring partner, do NOT under ANY circumstances bring children into this relationship. If you want to punish yourself and play the victim, fine. But no kid deserves to be brought up in that kind of dysfunctional mess. Uh-oh. I think I hear Chris calling you for your tea time ass whippin’. Try not to bruise so much this time. Much love. TL.

PS: You need to get used to your new look. It will be something like this. Enjoy.

beaten-woman


Capital One Says “Fu** You” To Its Credit Card Holders

February 28, 2009

My wife showed me some sort of pamphlet that Capital One sent us recently. If I read it correctly, the new interest percentage is 29.9%. (I think is used to be 17% or some such thing). Did you see the numbers I just typed? 29.9%!!!

Now, the truth is, we don’t carry a balance on our credit cards so maybe Capital One is just pissed at us for not making them enough money. This is their way to get us off of their books. If I wasn’t so lazy, this ploy might have worked. However, they could make the interest rate 50% and I could care less. 

Still, there is something going on in the credit world that screams deep, deep trouble is near. Besides this ridiculous jump in interest, I also found out that American Express was offering their cardholders $300 if they pay of their balance by the end of April. Again, normally, you WANT people to carry a balance since those interest rates are what drive profit. However, the apparent terror the banks feel about default loans is driving them to this madness.

Today, we find out that the US government is going to take a 35% share of CitiGroup. That’s right; the nationalization of banks is now moving full steam ahead. Hello socialism!!!

What really annoys me about this is that these decisions are being made after some $350 BILLION has already gone to these corrupt organizations. They are literally taking the money and running. And, in spite of the craziness of it all, Barry wants to get them even more! It defies even the most basic logic.

This country is pretty much officially in the crapper. That is the bad news. The good news is that Americans don’t take this kind of stuff too well. Yeah, we got kind of lazy in the last 20 years but you can feel the intensity building. While I don’t think we will see a full on revolution (Don’t you know, we’re talkin’ bout a revolution…sounds…like a whisper), I do think you will see individuals take over more control of their lives.

Hell, if I had the finger strength, I would just cut up my credit cards (all both of them) and pay cash for everything. But that would mean more trips to the bank and my wife already complains about that. If it wasn’t for the fact that Barry promised me a free PhD and house, I might just move to Nicaragua.

Oh, and good folks at Capital One, you can suck my big black (occasionally) sock!!! You are so broke you need to raise interest rates but you just happen to have enough cash to buy Chevy Chase Bank. Um…ok. Douchbags.