Maybe I Should Reconsider The Whole Cremation Thing

I came across a lovely story about a guy that works in the morgue and has sex with cadavers. Now, I am not judging the man because we have all had such thoughts at one point or another. However, now that I am closer to death than ever before, the thoughts of Bubba ram rodding my bloated corpse is slightly unappealing.

I used to think of it like the Tom Petty video where he stole Kim Basinger… Mary Jane’s Last Dance, I think. It had sort of an eerie beauty to it. (And yes, if Kim Basinger had just died, pretty much any guy would hit that. You can hate if you want but you know I speak the truth). Also, I think dead bodies should have a “5 second” rule like food. If a beautiful woman just dies of, say, a heart attack, would it be wrong to be romantic with her? I think not.

last-dance-with-mary-jane

You would absolutely do it!

Anyway, Kenneth Douglas has kind of ruined it for me. He did little more than rape a dead body. That’s not cool. No romance, no dancing, no walking along the ocean like Tom Petty did. Let me tell you something, if he had done that to me, I would have…well, nothing. Cuz, after all, I would already be dead. But my spirit in the sky (“that’s where I’m gonna go when I die” – You’re welcome) is going to be really pi**ed.

What makes it worse is that having sex with a corpse only lands you 18 months in jail, max. Of course since he did this to a minimum of 3 women, he is kind of racking up the years.

So, knowing that my awesome body could be a boy toy to some perv when I die, I am considering being burned or melted or whatever they do when they cremate you. It just seems against Allah to destroy such a perfect creation. (I am pretty sure he is still mad at me for having my super big thingy made smaller).

*pause*

Ok. After thinking about this for 30 seconds, I am NOT going to be cremated. It is just wrong. If God wanted us to be cremated, he would have made fire. (And we know he didn’t…either Martians or cavemen did).  So I am just going to let the worms have their way with me. From asses to asses, musk to musk.

One word of warning to any potential pervs out there. Before I die, I will booby trap all of my orifices with really, really painful traps. I don’t just mean my mouth and pooper either. ALL orifices! Consider yourself warned.

(Dear organ donation people, be very careful when you gut me. Sorry for the additional risk. Yours truly, TL)

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/18796288/detail.html

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26 Responses to Maybe I Should Reconsider The Whole Cremation Thing

  1. its sad that dead people are having more sex than i am.

  2. i didnt know blow up dolls counted in this. bc in that case, im fu**ing like a champ.

    • tannerleah says:

      that chick – I had to edit your post because the elderly frequent this site and profanity can lead to heart palpatations. I am only cool with that if I am in their will. I hope you don’t feel castrated.

      However, you can still use cool words like Obama monkey and corpse taint. And, at the very least, you can say you got fu**ed tonight by the man. Congrats.

  3. Ram Venkatararam says:

    Thanks Tannerleah for your post and your hard work moderating the comments.

    I know my elderly mother would be horrified to read the f word after just working her way through a corpse rape rant that includes ample references to booby-trapped asses!

    Your way out there today TL…way out there.

    • tannerleah says:

      Ram – Thank you for understanding my plight. I try to “keep it real” as the kids say but profanity is just offensive to some. I remember being anal probed by a martian and I said, “Oh fu**! That hurts!!!” That little dude squinted through his pretty black eyes and said, “Dude, really? You had to go there?” I felt so low. Since then, I take all of my anal probes like a real man.

      Say hi to your mother for me.

      • Ram Venkatararam says:

        No, thank you. And please, say hello to Mother Venkatararam for me.

        She rarely visits me but is a fan of yours. I think it was the photo you posted a while back of you in the thong ascending a staircase that did the trick.

        Keep it on the fresh. And don’t forgot,

  4. im sure if george carlin were alive today he’d be talking about the seven words you can’t say on wordpress. im wondering if twat would be one of them? or should i just say vulva from now on?

    • tannerleah says:

      that chick – twat and vulva are not at all offensive. You can also say pussy but it has to be about a cat or weak minded man. Something like, “I love my pussy. It’s warm and cuddly and I love to stoke it”. See how that is mature and polite?

      • Uh huh. Riiiight. I do see. And it makes all the sense in the world. Thank you for showing me the Mormon light.

        • tannerleah says:

          that chick – I am more Muslim than Mormon but I keep my options open. I don’t want to find out I spent my whole life rooting for the wrong team. I even had to add Satanism to my list just to cover another option.

          Here is a little secret between you and I. I hope the people that wear black sneakers and look for Jesus on a comet are the chosen people. They would be a BLAST to hang with!

  5. fundamentaljelly says:

    Well you know the old saw, “Necromancy is better than no romancy.” You seem rather grim today, maybe you need some more fiber in your diet. The 5 second rule was a howl though!!

  6. Doug Panther says:

    Damn. You had to make me go out and search for it.

  7. another jew. how lovely! i knew it was starting to get hot in here. well, i must say i have enjoyed this and will be returning. but now i must get dressed and go to work spamming people with ads. f**k my life.

    on that note, you may enjoy this: http://www.fmylife.com

    dance on.

    • tannerleah says:

      that chick – “spamming people with ads”. Sounds very fulfilling. Congrats on such a great job find.

      “fmylife” is funny but also kind of creepy because most of those things have happened to me.

      • that | chick says:

        indeed. while the rest of the country is crying over this apparent recession, i just keep making more money. i swim in wealth and drown in sorrow. search engine marketing is no joke.

        i am glad you enjoy laughing at others misery like i do.

  8. womaninblack says:

    A boy (presumably now a man) at my school was sent to prison for abusing his role as a gravedigger. I say ‘abusing’, I mean digging up the deceased and taking them from all angles. In the court case, one relative said that she had spoken to her dearly departed through a medium and that they had been ‘disgusted’ to have been degraded in such a way.
    On another note, I lost my virginity in a graveyard. I don’t think he was a corpse, but his conversational skills did suggest he might have been.

    • tannerleah says:

      WIB – I don’t think even I could condone actually digging up the corpse and doing it. I am not saying I wouldn’t try it…just wouldn’t condone it.

      And maybe, just maybe, your initial lover was not exactly overwhelmed with your premier performance either. Just sayin’…

  9. […] she writes this post about this dude who got caught having sex with dead people and how she would rather get cremated now and not the other way because getting raped after death […]

  10. Ms. Hicks says:

    You all are sick!!!

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