To be honest, I don’t really want to do this. However, since I have been asked, I will concede. Here are my choices for tonight’s Oscars.
Best Actor –
- Richard Jenkins – No one has ever heard of him nor seen his movie.
- Frank Langella – Died several years ago so might get the sympathy vote.
- Brad Pitt – Really? It’s not enough that he gets to bang Angie? Not gonna happen.
- Mickey Rourke – Just looking at him makes me feel dirty. What a nut job. No Oscar for you.
- Sean Penn – True, he plays a gay guy but, hey, it’s Sean Penn. Congrats on your victory!
Best Actress –
- Anne Hathaway – Very doable but just too young. Did I mention she is highly doable?
- Melissa Leo – Who? Next please.
- Meryl Streep – Like Frank Langella, died a few years back. Could get pity vote.
- Angelina Jolie – Should win but won’t. Too many tats. It doesn’t matter how cute they are.
- Kate Winslet – Wins because Oprah said she has nice boobs. Oh, and they have to always have a token Brit win.
- Seriously, does anyone care? Besides, Clint Eastwood should have won for Torino. Academy di** lickers.
Supporting Actress –
- Only two matter…Penelope Cruz and Marisa Tomei. As much as I love Penny, Marisa was smoking hot and crazy good in The Wrestler. Congrats Marisa. (To other nominees – sorry never heard of you nor have any desire to hear from you. Buh-Bye).
Supporting Actor –
- Josh Brolin – I like Josh but I like his dad James more. Josh = loser.
- Robert Downey Jr. – Who made these selections? Black face in the 2000’s? This struck someone as a good idea? And funny?
- Michael Shannon – Another token Brit. Sorry guv… no win.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman – Maybe the weirdest cat in Hollywood. Might have a shot.
- Heath Ledger – Can you really not allow his daughter to go onstage and collect the hardware? Slam dunk. And well deserved I might add.
Best Picture –
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Interesting premise turned into a chick flick. Oh, hell no.
- The Reader – Brit flick that is a better cure for insomnia than sleeping pills
- Milk – Movie about a gay mayor. Do you really think this has a shot? Didn’t think so.
- Frost / Nixon – Two of the most boring-est people in the world. Sure, I would love to sit through a movie where they chit chat
- Slumdog Millionaire – Even though I still don’t know why they played for rubies instead of cash, here is your winner. Forrest Gump goes to Bollywood.
As you can see, a pretty damned weak year. Hopefully, there will be plenty of cleavage in tonight’s show to keep me up until 9 or 10. Other than that, this is a snooze fest.
I hope you enjoyed my predictions because I did not. This kind of stuff is pure tedium to me. Still, I am merely here to serve and serve I did. You are welcome.