Happy Valentine’s Day!

February 14, 2009

Normally, I am not a terribly sentimental person. But over the years, I have come to understand that there are a lot of lonely people out there in the world. Granted, most of these people deserve to be alone because they are either psychotic or just horrible to look at but, still, I have much love for them.

If you are alone on this Valentine’s Day, I want to give you a gift. It is not much but you need to know it comes from the heart. Against the advice of counsel, I have taken an excellent Polaroid of myself in what I can only describe as “my best angle”. It is sexy yet not too risque and I think it is just what the doctor ordered for all of you lonely hearts out there. Are you ready? Here you go:


(No, that is not poopy on my rear. I had just got up from my chair and the blood had pooled a little).

I know…you are probably speechless. Normally, I try not to show off my awesome, sexy body but I just felt it was unfair to hide it from the masses any longer. God (or some ethereal force) gave me this great body and it would be wrong not to share. You are welcome! Try not to over do it tonight if you know what I mean!

And the gifts don’t stop there. I have also written a lovely poem for all of you that I want to share. I am not copyrighting this work, though I should, and encourage you to use it if you need to. After all, sharing love can never be a bad thing. Here, from the bottom of my heart, is a poem to all of you:

Dear Miss Lonely Hearts

I want to speak directly to you

I know you have no one

And nothing to do

So imagine your fingers

As our hands start to lock

I guide them ever so gently

Over my massive black sock

Ok…I didn’t really have a good ending but you would still have to admit it is pretty awesome. If I had more to give I would but you now have my heart, soul and body. (My cash is not currently available). I hope these gifts turn your bleak, lonely, desperate, horrible Valentine’s Day into a true triumph. All that I ask for in return is that you share your love with another loser lonely person.

I wish you all a merry Valentine’s Day! I love you and the make believe man in the sky, God, also loves you. (As does the creepy guy down the street that looks at you with his high powered telescope.