911 Is Not For Fast Food Disputes

February 10, 2009

Jean Fortune was thirsty. So, like many of us, he stopped by his local Burger King to get a nice, cold lemonade. All was going swimmingly until the rude BK employee told Jean, “I am sorry, we are out of lemonade”.


Now Jean might be a lot of things but he is no fool. Clearly, this was a case of racial profiling. Because he is from Haiti, the BK employee made the snap decision not to serve him based on the color of his skin. How else could you possibly explain it? Do you think a major metropolitan Burger King actually just “ran out” of lemonade? Puh-leeze.


Not accepting this ridiculous answer, Jean promptly called 911. He would not be denied his nutritious, thirst quenching lemonade! Not surprisingly, the 911 operator quickly identified Jean’s Haitian accent and promptly began to give him the run around. She suggested to Jean that calling 911 was not an appropriate response to being told you can’t have any lemonade. Would she have made such a comment to a brother or whitey? I sincerely doubt it.


Worse still, she spent probably 5 more minutes chastising poor Jean about how he should have never called because it is a non emergency and ties up the 911 system. Here’s a thought sweetheart, hang up the damned phone! Don’t send a cruiser, don’t berate the poor guy, just tell him nicely you can’t help him and hang up. Problem solved.


A police unit finally responded and, big surprise here, sided with Burger King. Just another example of “the man” keeping my Haitian brother down. Not to worry, Jean. Chick-Fil-A is more than happy to have your business and serve you even better tasting lemonade. And to you people at the Boynton Beach Burger King, you can stick your lemonade where the sun don’t shine. Damned racists.


One last fast food point. I was behind an elderly gentleman at the drive through today. I am so proud of the fact that I did not leap from my vehicle, pull him from his car, and promptly beat what remaining life he has out of him. Hint to old people: if it going to take you an honest to God five minutes to place an order, whip out your walker and stumble inside. You are killing the rest of us. Ciao.  


(If you would like to hear the sordid 911 call, just click the link below. Prepare to sob uncontrollably.)


911 Burger King Caller

EDIT: For some reason, I kept calling Jean, George. (Maybe George is really Jean in Haitian or….I am drunk again)

Clay Aiken To Judge “America’s Next Top Model”

February 10, 2009

There are few things in life that I care less about than Clay Aiken and the TV show “America’s Next Top Model”. However, when you add the two together, I just feel compelled to say something.

Let’s start with ANTM. Is there a more useless show on television these days? My biggest problem with this show is that it is littered with unattractive anorexic lesbians. (Ok, I just threw in the lesbian bit). Still, shouldn’t the next “Top Model” actually be pretty? Wouldn’t that at least a bit of a prerequisite?

And why in the world would any person in their right mind listen to the blathering of Tyra Banks for an hour every week? Without her boobs, she would be just another pretty woman. But when she opens her mouth, even her boobs can’t save her. It might explain why no man will have one of the most beautiful women in the world (allegedly).

And what about Clay? First of all, are we talking about the Clay Aiken I am familiar with? You want this guy to give advice on fashion? Really?


Umm…ok. Clearly, my sources that told me that Clay had had the gay prayed out of him were lying. He couldn’t be more flaming if you poured a gallon of gas over his head and lit it. Don’t get me wrong, I am cool with my gay minions. It’s just that I thought that Clay had found Jesus and was on the “right” side of God. I guess not.

So, for those of you who love this show, I suspect you will love it just a little more. After all, you can never have enough judges screaming, “Oh my God! She looks fab-u-lous!!!” I guess pretty much anything passes for entertainment these days.

For my spiritual friends out there, please join me in this prayer for Clay:

“Dear Jesus, We need your help again. It seems that Clay has gone back to “smoking sausage” in spite of our best efforts to pray the gay out of him. Lord, we need you to be a little more persistent in getting Clay back on track. Father, we pray that you show Clay the value of big boobs and the mighty power of a good hoo-hoo. We think that if you could hook him up with Angelina Jolie (or a Spanish woman) just one time, he will stop coloring his hair bizarre colors and wearing fruity clothes. We pray in your name, amen”.

I don’t know if that will work but God has been known to knock out a miracle every now and then. Keep your fingers crossed!