Blog Writers Are “Sad And Pathetic”

February 7, 2009

This is what a colleague told me recently. (And, yes, they know I write a blog). As I thought about this insult to my manhood, I started to wonder if maybe it was actually true? Maybe people that write blogs are sad and pathetic. Maybe their whole life is passing them by and they don’t even realize it?

With this in mind, I went to 3 of my favorite blogs to see if there was any truth to this blistering indictment.

First up is This blog is owned by master small business owner Ram Venkatararam. Ram strikes me as a pretty happy guy. Sure, he was named after a type of goat but many of us have silly names. And, yes, he has to chase old men away from the magazine rack as they “adjust their trousers” while checking out the latest issue of Hustler. And once or twice a day he has to clean up the vomit on aisle two thanks to some drunk guy trying to buy another six pack. And, finally, sweeping up used condoms, cigarette butts and empty cans of PBR can no doubt be trying. But what we also learned recently is that Ram had an “almost” erection for about 30 seconds. Does this sound like a “sad and pathetic” man to you? I thought not.

Next we visit This blog is owned by unemployed entrepreneur, Michael. Allegedly, Michael lost his last job because two ghosts named “not me” and “I da know” set him up. (A document was later leaked on the Smoking Gun website attributing Michael’s firing to mental instability). Really, does an unemployed, Canadian man that roams around in a bathrobe all day and writes cartoons sound at all sad and pathetic to you? Of course not.

Finally, we take a trip to The Woman In Black (WIB) apparently resides somewhere in England. (I deduced this from the fact that she is constantly throwing extra vowels into her words). Now granted, living in England is a good reason to be sad what with all of the rain, boiled vegetables and TV that consists of “A Man and His Dog”. But the WIB seems to be in pretty good spirits! Well, except that she recently had a disease that begins with “S”. Scurvy, skunk pox, syphilis, or some such thing. Plus she is now looking for friends on Twitter. Again I ask you; sad and pathetic? C’mon.

And what about me? I am a man (occasionally black) that is rapidly approaching the age of 50. I am gray, balding, overweight, depressed (which is NOT sad!) and have an unnatural obsession with Sarah Palin. So much so that a box of Kleenex must always be by my computer. Every waking moment I am not at work, I sit here and bang away on my keyboard only interrupted occasionally by searches for “Sarah Palin boobs”. Now I ask you, does any of this sound in the least bit sad and pathetic?

I am glad I have been able to vindicate my fellow bloggers. Next time you want to insult me, try a little harder. Poopy heads.

A-Rod Tested Positive For Steroids

February 7, 2009

In what can only be described as one of the most shocking stories of all time, Alex Rodriguez (He’s a baseball player, Liz) tested positive for steroid use in 2003 according to a report by Sports Illustrated. All of this time, I just thought A-Rod, Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco, et al. were just working out really, really hard. God, I am such a sucker for these things. (Actually, as a Red Sox fan, I came to terms with this when it became obvious to me that Nomar and Trot Nixon were juicing, IMHO. I just accepted it as part of the world we now live in).  

Once I read this story, it helped answer another mystery that I was having trouble figuring out. Why did Madonna dump Alex so quickly? Well, the answer is now obvious. She took one look at his tiny man junk and just couldn’t bring herself to touch it. Wow…if Madonna won’t touch your boys, who in the world would?

I will also take this moment to come clean. I have been using performance enhancing drugs for many years myself. It is why I have such an awesome physique and look like I am carved from stone. Well, you wouldn’t actually see that if you looked at me. That is because my guilt from having such an awesome body has forced me to cover it with a layer of fat. I just hated looking so good compared to everyone else. But believe it, under the rolls is the body of Adonis. Jealous, aren’t you? 

Let’s be honest, we live in a society where we pretty much cheat at everything as it relates to our bodies. Hair coloring, liposuction, teeth whitening, fake tans, and an endless supply of creams, gels, pills and ointments that do a variety of things for us. At some point, I think we will all agree that we are taking this quest to be perfect a little too far.

In fact, we may have already arrived. Meet Sheyla Hershey. Take a look at her and tell me what you think she just set a record for:


That’s right. Sheyla is now the proud record holder of having the worlds largest boob implants. They are a jaw dropping KKK. First, I never knew such a size existed. It sounds fake…like a bazillion dollars. But, apparently, it’s true. The implants were so big that US doctors refused to do the surgery. You know it’s bad when you can’t get it done in the good ole US of A. It took Sheyla nine surgeries to get to her current KKK size. When asked why she did it, Sheyla said, “Bigger is better”. Whew…I was worried she was going to say something stupid.

So hate A-Rod if you must but we only have ourselves to blame. Everything from the size of our fast food orders to our McMansions to our SUV’s has grown and grown over the years. We are the greediest and most consumptive society in the history of mankind. But there is no reason for us to slow down. We have earned this right. If you need a little pick me up, just consider the words of the great theologian Stewart Smalley:

You’re good enough,
You’re smart enough,
And doggone it
People really like you!

I have to go now and buy a bigger computer. I need some more giga hertz or something.