Brinks Security Could Sure Use A New Ad Campaign

February 2, 2009

The latest ad features a young lady on her own preparing to get on a treadmill. As she is putting in her ear buds, we cut to a camera shot through the window where we see two shady looking characters peering in. We know they are shady because they are wearing black clothes and have on dark skull caps. As she starts running on the treadmill, the two that have cased the house sneak around to the front. Then, with expert precision, they kick the entire front door in!

Can I ask a question? If you intend to kick down the door, is there really any reason to wear the dark clothes or peep through the window? Anyone that kicks down a door is looking for action…not trying to be secretive. Since you are making all of that noise, why not bring some fireworks and bells and really raise a racket? Fortunately, the alarm goes off and scares the perpetrators away. I guess the sound of busting down the front door was acceptable but the alarm, not so much.

Cut to our heroine jumping off of the treadmill. The phone rings and the Brinks expert asks, “Are you ok?” Our lightly glistening young star says, “I think someone tried to break in? You think they tried to break in? You mean you actually have some doubt about what their intention was when they kicked the door in? Did you think they were going door to door checking for termite infestations? Maybe they were from the government and wanted to make sure your door was zombie proof.

When I was a kid, I used to be frightened of the thought of someone breaking into my trailer. (Laugh if you must, but we were rocking some shag carpeting and had a circular bed in the master bedroom. That just reeks of serious cash flow). Then one day my master, David Carradine, said something profound. He said, “Grasshopper…If a man wants confrontation he will be a mugger. If he seeks to be quiet, he will be a burglar”. At first, I thought burglar was someone that works at McDonalds and I thought Dave had hit the hash pipe too hard. But I figured it out. Burglars want to get in and out without any drama. That is why they “case the joint” and generally go to empty homes.

What does this have to do with Brinks? I think their message should be one of safety from stealth criminals. The guys that try to quietly sneak in while you are asleep or when your home is empty. That makes sense. But making commercial after commercial of retarded thieves that only know one way in…kicking down the front door…is just preposterous. I don’t need your damned alarm to tell me part of my house has just been smashed to pieces. Besides, all I would have to do is get one of those cheap air horns and these idiots would go running for their lives anyway.

Sp please, no more stupid commercials. Here is a suggestion. Show an attractive woman preparing to take a bubble bath. In fact, the first 3/4’s of the commercial should come off as a soap ad. Then with a few seconds left, just have a creepy dude peer at her through the crack of the bathroom door. Your sales will go through the roof! If you use this idea, I would only ask for a small stipend. You are welcome.

(And no, I have never done this. Although when I was a kid I did used to watch the old lady in the trailer next door get out of her shower sometimes. I was fascinated by her wrinkledness…and boobies).


Daschle Screws The Tax Pooch

February 2, 2009

Why is it that multi-millionaires have so much trouble finding a good tax guy? Now we learn that Tom Daschle owes over 120k in taxes that he somehow didn’t know need to be paid. Apparently, there was some confusion on whether his car service is a taxable benefit. Shouldn’t someone that does taxes for a living know this answer?

The more Barry keeps recycling the same old tired Democrats, the more obvious that “change” is going to be exceedingly difficult. Frankly, many of these folks have made out like bandits over the last several decades so why in the world would they want to change anything?

Let’s use Tom as an example. He made over 200k the last two years in speaking fees for the health care industry. I repeat: the health care industry paid Senator Tom Daschle over 200k to talk to them. Overall, Tom took home a cool 5.2 million dollars in the last 24 months. Now, Barry wants Tom to be the Health and Human Services secretary. He will be a key player in reforming the health care industry. WTF? How can you even make such a statement with a straight face?

Tom, like so many of the other tried and true Democrats Barry has picked, have had plenty of chances over the years to change things for the better. They didn’t do it. It is like listening to the Republicans now spewing about the great ideas they have. Really? Have you just been sitting on them for the last eight years?

I have never liked Daschle because he has “small man” disease. I forget which Sunday morning show it was, but he threw a fit because he looked shorter on the TV screen. Hey Tom, you ARE shorter! Pelosi, Reid, Emanuel, Clinton, Daschle, Frank and on and on and on. Gee, what an exciting group. That’s change, isn’t it?

Look, I understand that Barry only has so many choices and he has to get most of the players on his team from the Beltway crowd. That’s just the way it is. Still, I would have liked to see him be a little more daring. Cross the aisle, pick some junior politicians…maybe even a few outsiders. Instead, it just looks exceeding like Clinton part 3. Honestly, which of these people would Hillary have not chosen?

There is the very slim hope that Obama realized early on that he was going to have to stick with the regular players to fill out his team. So, to avoid making waves, he picked the obvious choices. However, maybe he can be the guy he claimed to be and ignore all of their standard, partisan politics. In the end, he listens, nods his head slowly, and then does whatever the hell he wants to do. Dubya basically did this so it is possible.

Good luck Barry. You are going to be a lonely man on Capital Hill.