Rihanna To Become Full Time Punching Bag

February 28, 2009

In what can only be described as a truly heartwarming story, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently gotten back together. Ri-Ri needed the love and devotion of such an exemplary man and Chris needed…well…a human punching bag.

For those of you that have not experienced any quality time with a woman beater, let me help you out. First, it is NEVER the guys fault. It is always something that the woman said or did that provoked the male to behave in such a poor manner. Also, you can bet your bottom dollar that he is going to punch the hell out of another woman sooner or later. It might be the first girlfriend or someone new.

The bottom line is that once you go black, you never go back. It’s the same for punching women. Once you experience the rush of your knuckles caving in a female’s soft flesh and delicate bone structure, nothing is ever quite as satisfying again. Know this about young Chris…he has tasted blood and will taste it again. The odds are stacked very high in favor of that someone being Rihanna.

Before anyone even THINKS of running to the rescue of Mr. Brown, they need to rethink their position. If his punch had been on any number of pressure points on here face, he could have easily killed her. Would he “need a second chance” then? Also, once you are a punk ass bitch that hits women, you always will be. There is no scenario where he will not feel the need to show his power through physical aggression. I don’t know this, but I bet good old Chris is a little fella. Maybe 5’7″ or something like that? Little guys that punch women are the worst. They need to be sent to prison and ass raped as soon as possible to get there head back on straight again. Call it “tough love”.

So Rhianna, I am sorry that the people that are supposed to care about you let you down. I am sure they have convinced you that somehow the incident was partly your fault. They are wrong. There is nothing you can do or say that should cause a man to raise his fists to you. Period. It’s a very simple law that has been around for a very long time. However, since you are not being supported by intelligent people, I can only hope that after one of these beatings you will say, “enough is enough”.

One last thing, Rihanna. While you may be ok with being his sparring partner, do NOT under ANY circumstances bring children into this relationship. If you want to punish yourself and play the victim, fine. But no kid deserves to be brought up in that kind of dysfunctional mess. Uh-oh. I think I hear Chris calling you for your tea time ass whippin’. Try not to bruise so much this time. Much love. TL.

PS: You need to get used to your new look. It will be something like this. Enjoy.

beaten-woman


Capital One Says “Fu** You” To Its Credit Card Holders

February 28, 2009

My wife showed me some sort of pamphlet that Capital One sent us recently. If I read it correctly, the new interest percentage is 29.9%. (I think is used to be 17% or some such thing). Did you see the numbers I just typed? 29.9%!!!

Now, the truth is, we don’t carry a balance on our credit cards so maybe Capital One is just pissed at us for not making them enough money. This is their way to get us off of their books. If I wasn’t so lazy, this ploy might have worked. However, they could make the interest rate 50% and I could care less. 

Still, there is something going on in the credit world that screams deep, deep trouble is near. Besides this ridiculous jump in interest, I also found out that American Express was offering their cardholders $300 if they pay of their balance by the end of April. Again, normally, you WANT people to carry a balance since those interest rates are what drive profit. However, the apparent terror the banks feel about default loans is driving them to this madness.

Today, we find out that the US government is going to take a 35% share of CitiGroup. That’s right; the nationalization of banks is now moving full steam ahead. Hello socialism!!!

What really annoys me about this is that these decisions are being made after some $350 BILLION has already gone to these corrupt organizations. They are literally taking the money and running. And, in spite of the craziness of it all, Barry wants to get them even more! It defies even the most basic logic.

This country is pretty much officially in the crapper. That is the bad news. The good news is that Americans don’t take this kind of stuff too well. Yeah, we got kind of lazy in the last 20 years but you can feel the intensity building. While I don’t think we will see a full on revolution (Don’t you know, we’re talkin’ bout a revolution…sounds…like a whisper), I do think you will see individuals take over more control of their lives.

Hell, if I had the finger strength, I would just cut up my credit cards (all both of them) and pay cash for everything. But that would mean more trips to the bank and my wife already complains about that. If it wasn’t for the fact that Barry promised me a free PhD and house, I might just move to Nicaragua.

Oh, and good folks at Capital One, you can suck my big black (occasionally) sock!!! You are so broke you need to raise interest rates but you just happen to have enough cash to buy Chevy Chase Bank. Um…ok. Douchbags.


The “Make My Wife Laugh” $25 Contest

February 27, 2009

If you think I have been cantankerous on my blog lately, you should live with me everyday. My poor wife can’t escape my lunacy. I personally don’t THINK I am being difficult but I have vowed to cut back on huffing Pam and gold paint. Maybe that will help.

Anyway, here is the plan. You write a guest blog (with full credit) and the one that my wife thinks is funniest wins $25. Pretty simple, eh?

Please send to tannerleah2004@yahoo.com for consideration. As to the prize payout, I would MUCH prefer to buy you a CD, DVD, or book if you win via Amazon. That would make my life so much easier. I guess I could also do it by Paypal. We will figure it out.

This is legit and open to all comers. Entries can start today through next weekend, 3/8/09. The contest is open to the entire world but my wife can only read English or British. Anything else, unless it is loaded with pictures, is likely going to be a loser.

I will post the winner here as well as anything else she thinks is worthy. If you have thin skin, please don’t enter. I don’t need to be tracked down and gutted over $25.

Good luck!!! TL


Did Someone Say Wild Cherry?

February 27, 2009

A little tune to get your Friday off to a banging start! Now get the funk out of here!


Maybe I Should Reconsider The Whole Cremation Thing

February 26, 2009

I came across a lovely story about a guy that works in the morgue and has sex with cadavers. Now, I am not judging the man because we have all had such thoughts at one point or another. However, now that I am closer to death than ever before, the thoughts of Bubba ram rodding my bloated corpse is slightly unappealing.

I used to think of it like the Tom Petty video where he stole Kim Basinger… Mary Jane’s Last Dance, I think. It had sort of an eerie beauty to it. (And yes, if Kim Basinger had just died, pretty much any guy would hit that. You can hate if you want but you know I speak the truth). Also, I think dead bodies should have a “5 second” rule like food. If a beautiful woman just dies of, say, a heart attack, would it be wrong to be romantic with her? I think not.

last-dance-with-mary-jane

You would absolutely do it!

Anyway, Kenneth Douglas has kind of ruined it for me. He did little more than rape a dead body. That’s not cool. No romance, no dancing, no walking along the ocean like Tom Petty did. Let me tell you something, if he had done that to me, I would have…well, nothing. Cuz, after all, I would already be dead. But my spirit in the sky (“that’s where I’m gonna go when I die” – You’re welcome) is going to be really pi**ed.

What makes it worse is that having sex with a corpse only lands you 18 months in jail, max. Of course since he did this to a minimum of 3 women, he is kind of racking up the years.

So, knowing that my awesome body could be a boy toy to some perv when I die, I am considering being burned or melted or whatever they do when they cremate you. It just seems against Allah to destroy such a perfect creation. (I am pretty sure he is still mad at me for having my super big thingy made smaller).

*pause*

Ok. After thinking about this for 30 seconds, I am NOT going to be cremated. It is just wrong. If God wanted us to be cremated, he would have made fire. (And we know he didn’t…either Martians or cavemen did).  So I am just going to let the worms have their way with me. From asses to asses, musk to musk.

One word of warning to any potential pervs out there. Before I die, I will booby trap all of my orifices with really, really painful traps. I don’t just mean my mouth and pooper either. ALL orifices! Consider yourself warned.

(Dear organ donation people, be very careful when you gut me. Sorry for the additional risk. Yours truly, TL)

http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/18796288/detail.html


When Did Michelle Obama Become So BLACK?

February 26, 2009

Take a look at this photo from Reuters of Michelle:

 michelle-obama

Wow! All of the sudden she is black with a capitol “B”! When did this happen? Maybe she was out in the sun too long when they were in Hawaii. But, hell, that was over 2 months ago. It has been nothing but cold in DC since then. Maybe she goes to a tanning salon but I somehow doubt she has the time, or desire, for such things.

No, this is another case of a news organization “O.J.’ing” a black person. You know, the magazine cover where they made OJ look darker so he would seem more menacing? Now they are giving the same treatment to Michelle. One day she has the tone of Halle Berry and now she looks like Flava Flav.

Where is the outrage? This is the kind of stuff that Sharpton should be raising hell about…not the damned monkey cartoon. And please, don’t try to explain it away as a “lighting problem”. How come those same “problems” don’t happen to whitey?

What is remarkable about this is how brazen the media is about such things. TMZ released the Rhianna photo and the masses just assumed it was real. Who said so? I can create the same photo in about 10 minutes time with the software that is available today. But the lemmings just keep marching slowly to the cliff…

Look, I think Michelle is a fairly attractive woman. Granted, she needs to keep those big teeth under control but, overall, she makes a good FLILF. But when you post a photo that makes her look like she just crawled out of a coal mine after a 12 hour shift, well, I have a problem with that.

So Reuters, get your sh** together. This is our First Lady that you are throwing under the bus. I am not cool with that. If you can’t get a decent photo, then just don’t print one. Better yet, get a new camera! (I have a very nice Kodachrome that would do a fine job and can be had for a fairly small fee).

Michelle, I apologize for the racist whiteys out there that continue to make your race an issue. I say it’s about time we had a first lady with some good looking junk in her trunk. (And that can also dance a mean “bump”). Mrs. First Lady, you can fist me anytime you like. God bless you and God bless America. TL.


Do You Really Shave Your Toes?

February 25, 2009

I was going to write something about Barry’s speech last night but just couldn’t muster the strength. I also considered writing about the fact that every time the camera panned to someone in the audience, they looked like they died maybe 10 years ago. (Seriously people, could we stop re-electing people that drool and wear Depends?)

Instead of politics, I want to revisit personal grooming. Not manscaping; that subject has already been addressed. No, I want to talk about the relentless pursuit of women to be “hair free”. To be honest, I have been married for over 20 years so body hair fashion is not something I am terribly in tune with. And by the way, I am ok with this.

The other day a colleague mentioned that she was fantasizing thinking about me while she was shaving her legs. A funny little story until she also pointed out she shaved her toes. Are you kidding me? My journalistic radar immediately went into full coverage mode. Within a few hours, I had asked pretty much each of the 6 women I know if they do the same thing. 5 of 6 said yes!

This body hair thing has gotten completely out of control. Men getting their “boys” a haircut…woman shaving their toes. What is going on? As I considered this issue, I thought back to the cover photo of Bar Rafaeli. In the photo, she is virtually hairless. We know that since she is from Israel, that she is naturally covered in body hair. So, I would say it probably takes her about 3 hours a day to get hair free. Is this really worth it? (I only spend an hour on my butt each day and that is to reduce dingleberries. A real medical reason).

Then, in what can only be described as divine intervention, I found a website that posts full magazines on-line. I have been going through a muscle car phase (middle aged crisis) and saw that they also had Penthouse on-line. I haven’t seen a Penthouse since the 80’s issue that had Wade Boggs and his lover Margo something. (In fact, I probably still have that issue somewhere).

So, as a journalist, I open the digital magazine. Can you guess what I saw? That’s right…no less than 8 models that were virtually hairless. Most had shaved everything including their hoo-hoo’s. The only exception was one or two that had what I can only describe as a sideways Inspector Clouseau mustache. What is the point of that? Since this is a PG blog, here is what I am talking about.

hoo-hoo-stache

I’m sorry, but that is just weird.

Anyway, I thought this important news item should be shared with you. I hope I was able to enlighten the masses. We have a real crisis here and you people need to do something about it. You are welcome. TL


I Would Like A Big Mac With A Nickel Bag

February 24, 2009

Small business entrepreneurs pay attention. Douglas Brice has come up with a great way to supplement your fast food pay. Simply sell marijuana at the drive through as people collect their food. How simple is that?

Unfortunately, some idiot snitched on Doug to the po-po and they busted him when he sold them some weed from the McDonalds drive thru. Clearly, the snitch was just mad because he/she didn’t think of it first. It is a simple yet brilliant idea. I am sure it happens all of the time but I just don’t get out much.

So, in an effort to provide some decent undercover journalism, I went to my local Wendy’s at lunch today to buy some of the demon weed. (I left McDonald’s alone because I don’t want to pile on). Here is what happened: 

Voice in box (VIB): Can I help you?

Me: Yes, I would like a number four with a diet coke. Oh, and throw in a dime bag of your best weed.

VIB: A number 4 with a diet. What was the rest of your order?

Me: Some pot…you know, Maryjane, ganja.

VIB: Sir, I don’t understand what you are saying.

Me: Does anyone in there listen to The Dead or Bob Marley? I need some herb!

VIB: Do you mean our herb chicken sandwich?

Me: No! I need some Rasta, mon!

VIB: Pasta? Sir, we don’t have pasta.

At that moment, the police officer in the car behind me laid on his horn and I bailed. The thrill of the “almost” chase reminded of watching the OJ chase. I then proceeded over to Arby’s because this attempt to score had made me very hungry.

Since the drugs at the fast food idea has been taken, I need to come up with something new. What about bodily organs? You could say kidney, heart, liver, etc. and it still kind of sounds like food. “Yes sir, one young kidney to go. That will be $12,000. Please pull up to the first window”. (Voice screaming inside…”Paco! We are running low on kidneys. You need to restock”. To which Paco replies, “Si”.

I love the way people always think of new and better ways to generate commerce. THIS is the kind of stuff that makes me proud to be an American. This blunt is for you Douglas Brice. May your star continue to shine bright!


Jade Goody Is A Celebrity Why?

February 23, 2009

I get that she was on the Big Brother show in England and that she was a bit of a media sensation for her comments. But other than this unimportant frivolity, why should I care about her?

Oh, she is dying of cancer. I get it. So all of the money she is collecting for her son is done so in a noble manner. I read that the photos for her wedding alone were worth $1.5 million. Do you think that will be enough to get her son into college?

Maybe it is because she is bringing awareness to cervical cancer. While this is no doubt a good cause, the manufacturers of Gardasil are already spending millions and millions of dollars to drive this message home. Of course, like Goody, I am sure they are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts.

In the meantime while all of this celebrity worshipping is going on, 12 women in the United Sates will die from cervical cancer TODAY. Will you be sending their families money? Will the media be tracking their every last moment? Will they all get to be pseudo celebrities? No…they will die in relative anonymity.

So what is my problem with Jade? Actually, I don’t have a problem with her specifically. In fact, before today, I had never heard of her. Do I begrudge squeezing blood money out of her situation? Not at all. No, my beef is with the media and lemmings that hero worship someone that, before her disease, seemed quite disposable.

Why does having a deadly disease suddenly make any person better? Because they are facing death and realize what a douche bag they have been all of their lives? This is somehow noble? I think not. While it is tragic when a person is diagnosed with a life threatening disease, it happens all around us everyday. Any of you headed to a hospital or elderly care home to shed a tear with those people? Didn’t think so.

So please, spare me the last minute theatrics and martyrdom of these people. When my nephew died as a child form CF, he didn’t get money for it, a parade, or even a TV show. He and his family suffered in quiet dignity until the bitter end.

My point is that this is happening everyday all around you! If it matters to you, do something about it! Not after you are afflicted and have “skin in the game” but before you are ever pushed into that corner. Think about all of the people with incredible personal and financial burdens that also are dying from cervical cancer. Do you think Jade’s story makes them feel better? Or do you think they are hurt by the hypocrisy and randomness of kindness and generosity.

Stop worrying about people that you will never know and look around you. You are surrounded by people looking for your nurturing, care, and love. Make a difference today.

TL

P.S. This is a case of do as I say, not as I do. I have failed too many people in my life to be considered any kind of measuring stick. Call that an excuse if you will but if everyone was like me, on most days, this would be a brutal and ugly world to live in. Try to aim a little higher.


I Can’t Stand Republicans And Democrats

February 23, 2009

And the same probably goes for Whigs and Tories and whatever other stupid political parties exist out there. Do you want to know why? Too bad, I am going to tell you anyway.

I can’t stand them because they hold their political interests higher than the human interests of their fellow man. Regardless of the pain inflicted, republicans and democrats take joy in the suffering of the other side. This, apparently, soothes their egos and makes them feel better about themselves.

For instance, when the war in Iraq dragged on, many democrats actually wanted the war to fail. In war, failing means the death of young men and women. What a disgusting attitude to have. I am by no means a supporter of this war, or any war, but once we were in, I hoped for the greatest success we could possibly have. To want any different outcome is inexcusable.

The republicans are just as bad. They are praying to God that the various bailouts fail miserably. Why in the world would you want that to happen to your fellow man? Wouldn’t you hope that it went miraculously well? You can always go back to fighting about stem cell research and abortion.

True to form, republican governors have spent the last week carping about how terrible the stimulus package is. In fact, some have gone as far as to say they won’t accept the stimulus money for their state. Here’s a newsflash…any governor that refuses to accept aid for his or her state needs to be immediately impeached. You were chosen to represent the people, not yourself. They want the money; believe it.

Christ, these guys are like a homeless dude that you try to give a Big Mac. “Sorry dude, I only eat healthy food. Can you get me a nice salad?” How about I ram this Big Mac up your pompous, stupid a**, homeless dude. Are you feeling me now?

The democrats love to keep blaming Dubya for all of the economic ills of our times. Only the dumbest of the dumb believe it is as simple as that. We can trace back many of these problems as long ago as the Carter administration. There is plenty of blame to go around. The point is, even though I personally hate the stimulus and bailout plans, I hope like hell that they work and work fast.

I also still hope that Iraq gets its stuff together and becomes the democracy that republicans claimed they could be. I would take that in a minute. I hope that the actions of the Bush administration helped stave off terrorist activity. I doubt it did but I hope I am wrong. I would rather be wrong than to see more innocent people killed.

So my dear republican and democratic friends…please shut your pie holes. Act like the worlds problems our yours; because they are. Whether Boehner or Barry come up with a plan, pray like crazy that it works. Be a good human for once in your ridiculous lives.