My Main Man, Ted Haggard, Is Back! (Update)

The day I saw Ted Haggard in the movie, Jesus Camp, I knew he was speaking directly to me. He even pointed straight into the camera which is always a sure sign I am being spoken to directly.

Haggard Returns 

Wow, just looking at that picture almost has me speaking in “tongues”. Anyway, a lot of people made a big deal about Ted having a homosexual relationship and doing meth. People, wake up! Ted was just role playing so he could fully understand what he was preaching about.

Unfortunately, his congregation had a bad reaction to his behavior and he was temporarily kicked out of the church. But here is the beauty of modern religion. No matter what you do, your flock will always eventually return to you. Just look at Jimmy Swaggart. Sure, you have to start at the bottom of the food chain but so what? Good Christians understand that man is flawed and no sin is too grievous.

Plus, we now know for sure he was not really to blame for his behavior. Ted said he was molested at age 7 and that experience “started to produce fruit” at the age of 50. I am not sure if he was going for the fruit / gay connection but, either way, it was a powerful statement. Said another way, “It is not my fault!”

Although Ted cannot “officially” preach to the congregation anymore, he is instead presented as a good Christian businessman. Financially, I think Ted must be doing ok because he still lives in his 700k home in Colorado. I know that I would buy my insurance from such an honest man.

“But Tannerleah”, you might be thinking, “Should you really let a gay, drug addled man into your home?” That is a fair question. First, I often invite gay men into my home because I find them to be very neat and they always use the coasters. Most of my hetero friends are pigs. Plus, just like Clay Aiken, Ted had the gay prayed right out of him so he doesn’t swing that way anymore.

As to the drug use, I would not want a meth head in my home but I am told that Ted only occasionally hits the pipe these days. So the chances of a full on “Richard Pryor house burning to the ground” thing seems highly unlikely. Besides, if Ted can give up hot gay guys for his wife, then the drug thing is a piece of cake.

(Not to be mean to Mrs. Haggard, but I think a manly man like Ted could do better).


So, if you are looking for insurance (and maybe a first hand introduction to Jesus) give Ted a call. He was last seen at a 350 member church in Illinois which is slightly smaller than the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals of which he was previously president. But, as we learned in Theloneus 6:15, “it is better to hath given fornication to your neighbors wife and shoot-eth meth than to liveth a boring life”. Yes sir, brothers and sisters, words to live by.

UPDATE: It turns out that My Man Ted may have had sexual relations with other men. Wow. You don’t say? Who would have ever guessed such a thing? Maybe these things happened because he is GAY? That is kind of what gay people do…have gay sexual relationships.

Now we find out that the New Life Church (Ted’s former hangout) paid off a 20 year old volunteer at the church to stay quiet about his encounters with Ted. Amazingly, this is how senior pastor Brady Boyd explained the payoff to the 20 year old. “This was compassionate assistance. It was to help him move forward, not a settlement to keep him quiet.” Jesus must be so proud. They did it for the young man…not to keep the flock in the dark.

Here is the solution to all of this silliness. Ted, just go on Larry King Thursday and come out of the closet. Tell us all that you were confused about your sexuality and were struggling to get it to “fit” into your traditional Christian beliefs. 

Then tell us that you now embrace who you are and will not apologize for it. You are proudly gay and are still convinced that God loves you. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then so be it. Hold your head high.

Of course, that is not at all what is going to happen. He will remind us that he was molested as a child and has had the gay prayed right out of him. More of the same old bull crap that got him into trouble in the first place.

Be careful, Ted. If there is a God, he might find your gamesmanship tedious. And don’t forget, as you try to rebound from your “fall”, you are dragging your family through the mud with you. Something tells me a good man, Christian or not, would never to such a thing. As always, pride cometh before the fall.  


23 Responses to My Main Man, Ted Haggard, Is Back! (Update)

  1. art vandelay says:

    He pukes me. Check out that evil son behind mom’s shoulder? Crikey!

  2. Mike W. says:

    heh. although to be fair, I’m not sure the kid is so much evil as much as the son of a pastor who’s being thrust (sorry I can’t think of a better word here) into the public spotlight for doing meth and having sex with a male prostitute. And then, – update! – today’s fresh allegations.

    • tannerleah says:

      Mike – I tend to agree. The kids can’t help who their parents are. I used to feel bad for Jim and Tammy Faye’s kids because they were caught up in all of that scandal. (Although, it seems they turned out to be pretty good people).

      As we learned later, Tammy Faye was really a pretty sweet woman. Not terribly bright maybe, but not mean spirited either.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    You all are not getting it. Ted is clearly gay, but it is repressed gaydom. Like a geyser, on occasion it spurts out uncontrollably (when water at the surface collides with [his] hot rocks). He can’t come out of the closet because he has been hardwired as a youth that gay=bad and going to hell. It would take years of intensive psychotherapy to undo that wiring and remnants of that teaching would always be lurking in the recesses of his mind. He knows he’s gay, but he doesn’t want to be gay. How liberating it would be if his family and ministry friends told it is is OKAY to be gay. He also doesn’t want to further traumatize his children who were also taught that being gay=bad and going to hell. I feel deep compassion for Pastor Ted.

    • tannerleah says:

      Really? You feel compassion for this snake oil dealer? He is a gay crackhead preaching to his flock that being a gay crackhead will get you a first class ticket to hell. Please. Why does he get a free pass? This is why many gays stay in the closet. They would rather fight those demons personally rather than be a hypocrite, like Ted.

      He is the worst kind of hypocritical a**hat. One that does a tremendous amount of damage to the minds of the lemmings who can’t think for themselves. He deserves no pity.

      And could you have not used a different analogy than a geyser? That’s just gross.

  4. elizabeth3hersh says:

    You clearly don’t know what it is like to be gay nor do you understand all the intricacies of the gay sub-culture TL. As to the hypocrite labeling (to use an extreme example) if a murderer preached not to kill, would it diminish that message because the preacher was a murderer? Yes, I do feel compassion for Pastor Ted. I liked the lemmings analogy (a lot) but feel you are not being charitable enough when factoring in the mindset of the lemmings. Can’t you cut Ted a little (gay) slack?

    • tannerleah says:

      Liz – Uh, yeah. If you kill someone it does diminish the power of your “thou shalt not kill” presentation. Do you think that Mike Tyson should teach rape prevention education? What is wrong with you?

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    For the record, along with Ann Coulter, Ted is on my “A” party list (make that “AA” list). See what an interesting party I can put together?

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Don’t you agree that Ted’s faithful flock (and his own psyche) will not allow him to be gay? He has to constantly repress those urges. The roiling inner turmoil he experiences must be horrendous. I saw a documentary on gay Orthodox Jews several years ago and their anguish was almost palpable. They grapple daily with those urges and also try to adhere to the tenants of their religion. I assure you, it is a fierce and ferocious battle.

    • tannerleah says:

      Liz – I am not saying it is not a battle. What I am saying is that he is disingenuous and not worthy of your support. He is a bald faced liar. Justifying his behavior does not change the facts. Would you think OJ is any less of a killer if I said he had a really, really good reason for whacking Nicole and Ron?

  7. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Yes, but he didn’t.

  8. Elizabeth says:

    You can catch Pastor Ted on Larry King (CNN) Thursday night. I know I’ll be watching.

  9. Elizabeth says:

    (…if you will allow me a few more thoughts before I get to the thong issue…)

    I would like to further point out that all sorts of pathological (and diabolical) expression can emerge from sexual repression. A good example is the Catholic priesthood. My career as a psychiatric nursing administrator and having lifelong (male) gay best friends gives me a broad, and perhaps biased, perspective on this topic. Ted took the high road by reconciling with his wife and children which is really in their best interests. His best interests (psychologically) clearly would be to surrender and embrace his gay instincts. But he can’t. So he chose instead to realign himself with the doctrines of his church. TL, wouldn’t the religious community be better served if they examined the neurobiological basis of homosexuality?

    • tannerleah says:

      Of course! And what a better way to have that conversation than for one of these hypocritical bastards to tell the truth? Who better than Ted Haggard to speak the truth about being gay? Do you think the flock is going to listen to Clay Aiken or Richard Simmons?

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    …saw Pastor Ted’s riveting interview on Larry King last night. I still feel his story is compelling. I didn’t sense any disingenuity in his version of events. He seemed perfectly candid. His confessions were painful to listen to. I could not stay married to a man like Ted, not for a second, but would love to have him as a friend or confidant. I think he and his wife demonstrated how they found redemption through their religion. I think that is what has anchored them through this crisis. Come on TL, show a little compassion (what would it take for you to give someone a second chance?).

    • tannerleah says:

      Liz – All I can say is that if you had a ding-ding, Ted would love you.

      I would forgive Ted if he told the truth. He is a gay man living a lie. See how easy that is?

  11. Mr. Atheist says:

    It’s the money kids. It’s the money. It is hard to walk away from the spot light, having tastes a bit of FAME. It’s the money.
    Bertrand Russel said it best:
    “The immense majority of intellectually eminent men disbelieve in christian religioj, but they conceal the fact in public, because they are afraid of losing their income.”

  12. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Son of a bitch!!! I can’t change my user name to Mrs. Athetist.

  13. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I am protesting by using new gravatars of my favorite cosmologists and astro/theoretical physicists (all atheists). This week I present Carl Sagan.

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