The day I saw Ted Haggard in the movie, Jesus Camp, I knew he was speaking directly to me. He even pointed straight into the camera which is always a sure sign I am being spoken to directly.
Wow, just looking at that picture almost has me speaking in “tongues”. Anyway, a lot of people made a big deal about Ted having a homosexual relationship and doing meth. People, wake up! Ted was just role playing so he could fully understand what he was preaching about.
Unfortunately, his congregation had a bad reaction to his behavior and he was temporarily kicked out of the church. But here is the beauty of modern religion. No matter what you do, your flock will always eventually return to you. Just look at Jimmy Swaggart. Sure, you have to start at the bottom of the food chain but so what? Good Christians understand that man is flawed and no sin is too grievous.
Plus, we now know for sure he was not really to blame for his behavior. Ted said he was molested at age 7 and that experience “started to produce fruit” at the age of 50. I am not sure if he was going for the fruit / gay connection but, either way, it was a powerful statement. Said another way, “It is not my fault!”
Although Ted cannot “officially” preach to the congregation anymore, he is instead presented as a good Christian businessman. Financially, I think Ted must be doing ok because he still lives in his 700k home in Colorado. I know that I would buy my insurance from such an honest man.
“But Tannerleah”, you might be thinking, “Should you really let a gay, drug addled man into your home?” That is a fair question. First, I often invite gay men into my home because I find them to be very neat and they always use the coasters. Most of my hetero friends are pigs. Plus, just like Clay Aiken, Ted had the gay prayed right out of him so he doesn’t swing that way anymore.
As to the drug use, I would not want a meth head in my home but I am told that Ted only occasionally hits the pipe these days. So the chances of a full on “Richard Pryor house burning to the ground” thing seems highly unlikely. Besides, if Ted can give up hot gay guys for his wife, then the drug thing is a piece of cake.
(Not to be mean to Mrs. Haggard, but I think a manly man like Ted could do better).
So, if you are looking for insurance (and maybe a first hand introduction to Jesus) give Ted a call. He was last seen at a 350 member church in Illinois which is slightly smaller than the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals of which he was previously president. But, as we learned in Theloneus 6:15, “it is better to hath given fornication to your neighbors wife and shoot-eth meth than to liveth a boring life”. Yes sir, brothers and sisters, words to live by.
UPDATE: It turns out that My Man Ted may have had sexual relations with other men. Wow. You don’t say? Who would have ever guessed such a thing? Maybe these things happened because he is GAY? That is kind of what gay people do…have gay sexual relationships.
Now we find out that the New Life Church (Ted’s former hangout) paid off a 20 year old volunteer at the church to stay quiet about his encounters with Ted. Amazingly, this is how senior pastor Brady Boyd explained the payoff to the 20 year old. “This was compassionate assistance. It was to help him move forward, not a settlement to keep him quiet.” Jesus must be so proud. They did it for the young man…not to keep the flock in the dark.
Here is the solution to all of this silliness. Ted, just go on Larry King Thursday and come out of the closet. Tell us all that you were confused about your sexuality and were struggling to get it to “fit” into your traditional Christian beliefs.
Then tell us that you now embrace who you are and will not apologize for it. You are proudly gay and are still convinced that God loves you. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then so be it. Hold your head high.
Of course, that is not at all what is going to happen. He will remind us that he was molested as a child and has had the gay prayed right out of him. More of the same old bull crap that got him into trouble in the first place.
Be careful, Ted. If there is a God, he might find your gamesmanship tedious. And don’t forget, as you try to rebound from your “fall”, you are dragging your family through the mud with you. Something tells me a good man, Christian or not, would never to such a thing. As always, pride cometh before the fall.