If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

Just think of all of the wonderful things she would have already accomplished in her first week.

  • She would have abolished same sex marriage in the entire world
  • She would have made sure that only creationism was taught in all schools
  • She would have funded sex education…as long as it consisted only of abstinence
  • She would have banned abortion, except for unwed teen mothers. (She’s not gonna let that happen again!)
  • She would have given every American a rifle
  • She would have drilled, baby, drilled. Even in places like Los Angeles and New York City. (You have to look everywhere).
  • She would have bombed Russia because she is sick of looking at it and it ruins the view from her kitchen
  • She would have mandated that all women wear black or red pumps every day
  • She would have made English the second language to her native Alaskan / Caucasian-onics (Kind of like Ebonics but reversed)
  • She would have mandated all newspapers have more pictures and less words

And the list goes on. We would be living in the most awesome-est country in the world if Sarah were VPILF. How could she have done all of this if she were only the VP? Simple, McCain died like 3 months ago. It was too late to get another candidate so they just propped his body up for awhile.

For me, the best part would be just bathing in her majestic awesomeness. Seeing her on TV everyday would be exciting. What color pumps will she be wearing? What color lipstick? Hair up or hair down? Knee high or upper calf length skirt? Everyday would be a mystery and people would be overcome with anticipation awaiting the results. Look at her splendor once again:

sarah-palin

Look how she even matches the flowers of her lapel with then ones in the background. Do you think that Joe Biden has that kind of savoir faire? I think not. And, let’s be honest…we haven’t seen that kind of magnificent hair since the days of Farrah Fawcett. (Who, by the way, did not really age terribly well).

farrah-fawcett

(Although she probably still holds the record for most ridiculous looking celebrity “erasers”)

No, instead of electing the American Lady Di, we had to go for Barry just so we can now say, “See? We are not racist anymore”. What a load of hooey. If we really were not racist, we would have already elected Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or that token black Republican guy they trot out every once in awhile, Alan Keyes. Hell, even the entertainers at the inauguration were primarily light skinned African Americans. Where was Snoop, Lil Scrappy, C-BO, Brotha Lynch Hung, 40 Cal and all of the real artists? Beyonce? Puh-leeze.

America should have voted with their hearts…not their brains. (Or, for men, their ding-dings). The good news is all is not lost. In 2012, Sarah will be back and with God’s grace and a good plastic surgeon, look better than ever. Then we can finally rejoice and get some real change! (Ladies, might as well start getting your high heel collection started now).

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3 Responses to If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    She might also have:

    1) finally waltzed right though those new doors that God had opened

    2) gone commando instead of “going rogue”

    3) given us something called “zigzag talk”

    4) sent out Shelly Koontz to clean up the libraries

    5) reinstated Trooper Wooten and assigned him to Taser Affairs in a troubled teen boot camp

    6) answered “in what respect, Charlie” to the McCain doctrine

    7) built a bridge to somewhere (over the Bering Strait, FINALLY linking Alaska to Russia)

    8) started hangin’ with her homie Supreme Court Justice Clarence “Long John Silver” Thomas who would be more than happy to “break her in”

    As to shoes…Gucci’s or Feragamo’s…choices, choices…

  2. Doug says:

    Sheesh! Farrah looks more like The Thing from the Fantastic Four than the Farrah I remember from Charlie’s Angels. Oh well, I guess it catches up to all of us in the end.

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