Since both are now available, I need to figure out which one to place at the top of my “on deck” list. I am happily married but, as all men know, you always have to have a back up plan.
(If you are wondering why Sarah Palin is not on deck it is because she is already married. So, technically, she cannot be on my list. Her loss).
Let’s start with Shania. She is incredibly attractive, smokin’ body, filthy rich, and quite a talented singer. What is there not to like? Well, two things. First, she married the ugliest human on the earth, Jeff “Mutt” Lange. The nickname “Mutt” is not one of those cute, ironic nicknames. He really does look like a dog. I am not sure I want to be next in line after a dog. The second problem is she has a kid. I already have kids and thank God, they are pretty much grown. I don’t see a scenario where I could endure a kid running around again. Most people think that being Canadian counts against her but I am cool with that. If you love the group Rush, and I do, Canadians are Ok…eh?
Wow…just look at those huge bracelets. Let’s move on to J Love. One of the best things going for Jennifer is the fact that she is 14 years younger than Shania. Yeah, Shania is holding up well but who knows when its all going to come crashing down. Love also is attractive, rich, a fine actress, decent singer, plus, importantly, without child.
On the negative end, she has mostly dated gay-ish guys like Carson Daly and John Mayer. She might find me slightly more abrasive and difficult to deal with. Plus, let’s not forget the photos of her when she swelled up in that black bikini. She is not even 30 so that could be a real warning sign for future developments. Finally, she is a native of Texas. I have to be honest; I am not a huge fan of Texans. I think the Bush family is part of the reason but it probably has more to do with El Caminos and Lone Star beer.
Decisions, decisions. I hate to pick one and leave the other disappointed. It will feel like being Miss Runner-Up…aka Miss Loser. Oh well, I have to do what is right for me and what is in the interest of mankind in general. I am going to go with Ms. Hewitt. Why? Again, she has fewer miles on her and no kids. That really sealed the deal for me. (Plus, my wife said even she would do Shania and I don’t need internal competition).
There you have it. I just need to draw up the paperwork. Sarah, Angelina, Salma…don’t give up hope! Your day may yet come. Just not today.