Man Tries To Cut Out Boob Implants He Paid For

January 30, 2009

Thomas Lee Rowley felt ripped off. He had paid for breast implants for his girlfriend, Shanon Perry, and all was right with the world. She felt better about herself and he got to play with her big rack.

Unfortunately, the bliss did not last. Shanon, maybe due to her new and improved self esteem, decided she did not need Thomas anymore. The love birds relationship came to a sad ending.

As Thomas considered his situation, he knew one thing for sure. There was no way in hell that another man was going to play with the boobs that he paid for! He then set a plan in motion to recover the “stolen” implants. On 7/25/2006, he stabbed Shanon six times in the head and torso.

At the time, it appeared it was just an act of rage. That is until Tom’s former roommate, Dennis McGill, told prosecutors the real story. According to Dennis, Tom told him that he wanted the implants back that he paid for. His exact quote was, “I’m gonna cut ’em out and get em back”.

In the attack, Tom was not able to reclaim the implants although he did manage to puncture one. Shanon was able to fight off Tom and survive the attack although she ended up almost dying. (The good news is that the implant was repaired and the rack is in fine condition).

Tom was charged with a variety of crimes and his trial has just begun. Among the charges are attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, stalking, burglary, and false imprisonment. (Technically, I think the burglary charge should be “attempted” burglary since he did not actually recover the implant).

It is unclear what Tom planned on doing with the fake boobs once he got them back. I am pretty sure a doctor would not implant boobs that you stroll into the office with. Maybe he was going to perform an implant procedure for his new girlfriend in his basement.

I don’t condone what Tom did but I can understand why he feels ripped off. Women are always taking engagement rings, jewelry, houses, cars, boobs, etc. from their boyfriends/husbands and us men are left with nothing. I think stabbing someone to recover these items is going too far but I would have been ok if he had taken her up in a hot air balloon and they popped.

The lesson learned here? Ladies, pay for your own darned boobs. (To be fair, in a statement that makes no sense, Shanon testified she paid for part of the implant costs).

I Could Have Bought Sarah Palin’s Shoes?

January 29, 2009

I am so sick of the liberal, media elite. One of the greatest historical artifacts of all time went up for sale recently on EBay and hardly anyone even knew about it. Why? Because it was an artifact that belonged to a Republican and the liberals stone walled the information from getting out.

You are going to be upset when I tell you this but here is what happened. Sarah Palin’s niece was given a pair of shoes by Sarah. The niece told Sarah she thought they were pretty and Sarah, being probably the nicest person in the whole wide world, gave them to her. Just like that…no questions asked.

Unfortunately, they didn’t really fit so, instead of just dumping them, the niece did the right thing and put them up for sale on EBay. Of course, the media knew about this but refused to run the story. Look at these shoes:


(Did you fell that little tingle in your nether regions? I thought so.)

These are call “Naughty Monkey Double Dare” shoes. What a fitting name. Naughty indeed… Anyway, these shoes are basically priceless. However, since no one knew about the sale, some shoe fetish guy bought them for $2025. Are you kidding me!?!? I would have gladly shelled out 30k for these things! I would have sold a kidney (I would have given up my bad one) to make this happen.

Of course, it is always possible that the guy that bought them will put them back up for sale. For me, however, it is too late. I don’t want her shoes after they have been soiled by another man. Oh well, maybe she gave the niece some other stuff to sell. Possibly her “Dirty Dancing Bullet Proof Brassiere”. That would fetch some big bucks.

One more thing about Sarah, since I know you can never get enough info on her. She has started a PAC. If that doesn’t scream that she is running in 2012, I don’t know what does. It is important that you all give early and give often. (I can’t donate because if Sarah and I should become an “item”, it would look inappropriate). Here is the link:

You will notice that they have a photo of the US with Alaska sitting smack dab in the middle of it. When Sarah is elected President in ’12, her first act will be to move Alaska to the lower 48. (As you can see, some of the junkier Midwest states are going to get crapped on).

Mark your calendars…1451 days until President Sarah Palin takes office!

Thongs Should Be For Strippers And Hookers

January 28, 2009

I read a headline in a Dear Abby column that said, “To thong, or not to thong?” Seeing how it is a relatively slow day and I can’t always just take on world issues, I thought I would express my opinion on this subject.

As you can see from the title, thongs should only be worn by strippers and maybe hookers, IMHO. Strippers are paid to show as much of their body as they can, so that makes sense. Hookers, to a lesser extent show their body so I could understand if they chose to thong.

For most of us over the age of 40, thongs were only worn by harlots when we were young. Somewhere, somehow, they became acceptable to the mainstream. Well, not to me. I still don’t like them. This exchange with my wife one day didn’t help:

TL: Why are there stripper thongs in the washing machine? New side job?

Mrs. TL: Those are your daughters.

TL: (throws up in mouth and rushes out of room).

OMG!…my baby is wearing hooker underwear! When I asked her about it, she seemed nonplussed and said “all of the girls” wear them. I could have asked if “all of the girls” were strippers but I did not. No, to young people, they are as natural as jockeys are to men.

So, if they like them, what is my problem? My problem is conceptual. There is something about the thought of a strip of cloth rubbing against the “brown eye” that I just find nauseating. I understand that men end up in the same place when they scratch their brown eye and leave a skid mark. But, believe it or not, those skid marks are not intentional. Frequent and disgusting maybe…but not intentional.

I understand that the thong also is preferred because there are no panty lines. Why is this a good thing? Panty lines use to be a signal to a guy as to what kind of girl was wearing them. If they had low lines around the thighs, you knew they were granny panties and to pursue such a girl was pointless.

On the other hand, the tiny panties that wanted to climb up her butt meant that she was in the game. With a thong, for all you know, she is going commando. (Which, by the way, is even worse than a thong). Who wants to go out with someone like that?

I also don’t like how the back of the thong rides up to the middle of a woman’s back. I don’t know if that is meant to happen or it is just bad engineering but it does nothing for me. Just get a “tramp stamp” and you will be good to go year round.

For me, I only bust out the thong when I go to the beach or want to impress someone. As a man, we prefer to call it a banana hammock but that is just semantics. In fact, since my job is to serve my readers, if you would like, I can post a photo of myself in my thong. I will let you decide as I don’t want to be presumptuous.

In the meantime, could you ladies please go back to the Monday through Sunday underwear? You know, something cute that doesn’t get swallowed by your a** crack? I would appreciate the effort.

As always, with much love, TL.

School Closings Are Out Of Control!

January 28, 2009

Mama Cakes asked me what I thought about the rash of school closings, due to weather, that seem to plague our society today. Specifically, what has changed since the 60’s and 70’s where we were sent to school under basically any circumstances?

I would have to say most, if not all of it, is driven by the fear of lawsuits. I know a school bus wrecked in Indiana a while ago in bad weather and I am sure some lawsuits will come from it. It is the fear of litigation that drives most of our public policies these days.

What is odd about it is how virtually every school district has its own set of rules. Where I live, if the temp is -5, school is closed. I suspect if they had that rule in Alaska, their peeps would not be very bright. (Insert Sarah Palin joke here).

As far as ice and snow, I am sure there is some rule but it is unclear to me. For my son, it is like waiting for the lottery numbers to come in. “Come on lucky 7 inches!” 

The problem with all of these closings and 2 hour delays is the stress it puts on parents and businesses. Back in the day, unless everyone was staying home, the kids went to school and the parents went to work. Now, parents find out at 9pm that school will be closed tomorrow. What are they supposed to do with their kids? Work sure isn’t closed. It is a burden that can be very difficult…especially for single parents.

They can’t very well leave little ones alone yet, if they don’t report to work, there is a risk they face attendance issues. Once or twice a year is not a problem. However, I think we had something like 7 school delays or cancellations last year. There needs to be a better plan.

My feeling is that the school should at least be open if parents want to bring their kids. Teachers can go to work just like the rest of us. If there aren’t a lot of kids there, so be it. At least they have a secure place to be while Mom or Dad goes to work.

Of course the real solution to this is for all of us to move to Mexico. How awesome would it be if we all crossed the border INTO Mexico and just took the joint over? In return, they can have states like North and South Dakota, Michigan, Maine, etc. Another problem solved by TL.

Mother Has Litter Of 8 Children

January 27, 2009

Isn’t that just precious? Another mother trying to get her own TV show on Lifetime (Or whatever channel does all of the “big brood” shows). Although they have not announced it, bet your bottom dollar that this was a fertility drug induced “miracle”. So, before you go all “Praise the Lord” on me, you need to be praising Merck, GlaxoSmithKline or whoever came up with the drug. There is nothing about this that is remotely “natural”.

Dr. Richard Paulson, director of the fertility program at the USC, says that the litter could suffer serious health issues such as neurological damage and breathing issues. He goes on to say that having 8 children at once is very risky and would not recommend it under any circumstances.

But, as we all know, none of this is about the children…it is about the parents. They want what they want and to hell with the implications and risks. Yet another selfish couple that show absolutely no restraint. If you have read my previous posts on this type of subject, you will know that I am sick of this type of behavior.

Of course I hope that the children are healthy. I also hope that the parents are able to financially and emotionally support the 8 kids. Not because I care about the parents, because I don’t. But I do care about the kids who had no say in this matter.

And I have a question. Who exactly is paying for the 46 hospital staff and 4 delivery rooms that were used to accomplish this miracle of science? I am sure it is some nameless, faceless insurance company. Said another way, you and I will pay. Insurance companies never take a loss on such things. We will also foot the bill for the minimum 2 month stay that each child will have in the hospital.

And how many wannabe mothers are going to hear this story and hope that they too can have an instant Quiverfull? Between celebrity babies, TV shows with large broods and now this, women are probably dropping eggs at a record pace. “Ooh…I want one too!!!”

This leads me to a bigger overall point. Ladies, a baby is not a pet or something that you are owed. It is a privilege. For once in your life, consider the needs of the child first. What would be best for him or her? Are you ready to commit everything you have to protect the interests of that child? Is there a financial and emotional support system in place to take care of this child?

Every day, committed parents have children and all is right with the world. On the same day, some babies are being dumped into a trash can or cooked in a microwave because the “plan”, that never really existed, collapses. Do the right thing. The movie Juno was funny…but not really.

My Main Man, Ted Haggard, Is Back! (Update)

January 27, 2009

The day I saw Ted Haggard in the movie, Jesus Camp, I knew he was speaking directly to me. He even pointed straight into the camera which is always a sure sign I am being spoken to directly.

Haggard Returns 

Wow, just looking at that picture almost has me speaking in “tongues”. Anyway, a lot of people made a big deal about Ted having a homosexual relationship and doing meth. People, wake up! Ted was just role playing so he could fully understand what he was preaching about.

Unfortunately, his congregation had a bad reaction to his behavior and he was temporarily kicked out of the church. But here is the beauty of modern religion. No matter what you do, your flock will always eventually return to you. Just look at Jimmy Swaggart. Sure, you have to start at the bottom of the food chain but so what? Good Christians understand that man is flawed and no sin is too grievous.

Plus, we now know for sure he was not really to blame for his behavior. Ted said he was molested at age 7 and that experience “started to produce fruit” at the age of 50. I am not sure if he was going for the fruit / gay connection but, either way, it was a powerful statement. Said another way, “It is not my fault!”

Although Ted cannot “officially” preach to the congregation anymore, he is instead presented as a good Christian businessman. Financially, I think Ted must be doing ok because he still lives in his 700k home in Colorado. I know that I would buy my insurance from such an honest man.

“But Tannerleah”, you might be thinking, “Should you really let a gay, drug addled man into your home?” That is a fair question. First, I often invite gay men into my home because I find them to be very neat and they always use the coasters. Most of my hetero friends are pigs. Plus, just like Clay Aiken, Ted had the gay prayed right out of him so he doesn’t swing that way anymore.

As to the drug use, I would not want a meth head in my home but I am told that Ted only occasionally hits the pipe these days. So the chances of a full on “Richard Pryor house burning to the ground” thing seems highly unlikely. Besides, if Ted can give up hot gay guys for his wife, then the drug thing is a piece of cake.

(Not to be mean to Mrs. Haggard, but I think a manly man like Ted could do better).


So, if you are looking for insurance (and maybe a first hand introduction to Jesus) give Ted a call. He was last seen at a 350 member church in Illinois which is slightly smaller than the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals of which he was previously president. But, as we learned in Theloneus 6:15, “it is better to hath given fornication to your neighbors wife and shoot-eth meth than to liveth a boring life”. Yes sir, brothers and sisters, words to live by.

UPDATE: It turns out that My Man Ted may have had sexual relations with other men. Wow. You don’t say? Who would have ever guessed such a thing? Maybe these things happened because he is GAY? That is kind of what gay people do…have gay sexual relationships.

Now we find out that the New Life Church (Ted’s former hangout) paid off a 20 year old volunteer at the church to stay quiet about his encounters with Ted. Amazingly, this is how senior pastor Brady Boyd explained the payoff to the 20 year old. “This was compassionate assistance. It was to help him move forward, not a settlement to keep him quiet.” Jesus must be so proud. They did it for the young man…not to keep the flock in the dark.

Here is the solution to all of this silliness. Ted, just go on Larry King Thursday and come out of the closet. Tell us all that you were confused about your sexuality and were struggling to get it to “fit” into your traditional Christian beliefs. 

Then tell us that you now embrace who you are and will not apologize for it. You are proudly gay and are still convinced that God loves you. If people can’t accept you for who you are, then so be it. Hold your head high.

Of course, that is not at all what is going to happen. He will remind us that he was molested as a child and has had the gay prayed right out of him. More of the same old bull crap that got him into trouble in the first place.

Be careful, Ted. If there is a God, he might find your gamesmanship tedious. And don’t forget, as you try to rebound from your “fall”, you are dragging your family through the mud with you. Something tells me a good man, Christian or not, would never to such a thing. As always, pride cometh before the fall.  

Shelter Animals: There Needs To Be A “Lemon Law”

January 27, 2009

Preface: I am a little fired up this morning so this might be a long one.

All you hear about these days when it comes to animals is, “Adopt a shelter animal”. Then the animal lovers will hit you will a stat like, “there are 6 trillion shelter animals out there”. Shortly after that, Sarah McLachlan comes on and sings a sappy song. It is enough to warm the coldest heart…

Except mine. Here is what I know about these animals. They come in 3 basic categories. Newborns or still very young. Although you have a good shot to train these animals, you also have a very high risk that they are already sick and diseased. Ever hear of Parvo? Terrible disease that kills young animals. We had a great little puppy that died quickly from Parvo.

The next group is true strays. Difficult to train but, if you find the right one, you will have a friend forever. A complete hit or miss process.

Then there is my favorite category. The animal that the owner doesn’t want anymore. Now, sometimes this is because they are moving or some change in their lives prevents them from keeping the animal. But mostly, they have really bad habits that the owner can no longer tolerate.

This is the type of animal my wife is attracted to. She called me last Saturday to tell me she had found a “beautiful” cat. It was already de-clawed and potty trained. (How does she know it is potty trained? The lady said so… Oh, ok).

Immediately, red warning signals are flashing all around me. The immediate question I asked was, “If the cat is so wonderful, why did someone get rid of it?” Of course, this was just a rhetorical question because my wife had already decided she was bringing the ball of fur home.

She brings the cat home and it is one of those long hair cats…the kind I don’t like. It is all fur with 2 eyeballs. Think Don Knotts with an afro. Anyway, the first test is whether the cat will use the litter box. However, even if they do, that isn’t necessarily the end of the story.

The last cat we had was also a furball and used the litter box. Of course, it was also pi**ing half of the time behind the downstairs toilet that no one uses. I had to rip up all of the carpet and treat the concrete for like 30 days to solve that crime. Obviously, that cat is no longer a member of our “family”.

Back to the latest furball. After a few days, all is going well and I think maybe we caught a break. Maybe the previous owner was killed in a car crash or shot in a bank robbery. How naive of me.

I get out of the shower this morning, lean over the sink to brush my teeth, and there it is. A load of cat poop. This is how the ensuing conversation went:

TL: Honey, come her and look at what your cat did.

Mrs TL (still in bed): I’m sleeping. I’ll look at it later.

TL: No…this is YOUR cat and YOU need to come clean the mess.

Mrs TL: (throwing bedspread back and mumbling something under her breath)

TL: I told you this cat is a defective retard.

Mrs TL: My God, couldn’t you just have cleaned it?

TL: I could have…but it’s not MY cat.

She then stomped off back to bed. So, just as I suspected, this “purr-fect” cat is a lemon. My wife is now on the clock to fix this behavior before it is returned to its rightful owner.

And before one of you animal lovers asks, let me answer. Yes, I would do the same thing if it was a person. There are 2 points to be made. First, an animal is not a human. You can convince yourself that it is but it is not. A cow is not a dog and a dog is not a human. See how simple that is?

Second, if a grown person, like this grown cat, pooped in my sink, you can bet that he or she would be in a convalescent home by the end of the day. Hell, at least with humans you can put a Depends on them. (Although I would not even do that). You have no control of your bowels, man or beast, and you can’t stay in my house.

By the way, we also have a Newfoundland dog and another cat. They both respect my rules, so they get to stay. I only have a problem with law breakers.

Jessica Simpson Vs. Miss America: The Battle of the Bodies

January 26, 2009

Without as much as a hint to me, the good folks at the Miss America pageant apparently had their little beauty contest Saturday. Thanks for letting me know it was on some obscure cable station. You might as well be the NHL on Versus. Oh well, I guess as long as that “Saved by the Bell” guy showed up, everything is alright.

The following morning, I saw the swimsuit photo of the winning contestant, Miss Indiana Katie R. Stam. Here it is:


Maybe it’s just me, but except for the boobs, doesn’t this body look a lot like a 15 year old boy? All skin, bone, gristle and some muscle? I know they have buffets in Indiana so there is no food shortage. Whatever happened to curves and the concept of a Rubenesque body? The poor girl looks like she just busted out of a camp in Ethiopia. Even cannibals wouldn’t eat her because they would be afraid to swallow the bones and choke to death. I know, this is “the look” these days but I guess I am just too old to get it.

On the other hand, some recent photos of Jessica Simpson showed up on the Internet. The point of said pictures was to show what a big cow she had become. In essence, they are meant to show that maybe she ate Miss America after she won her crown. Here is the humongous Jessica:


Granted, she is licking her lips like she sees a box of corn dogs in the 4th row but is it really that bad? I know she has been smaller over the years but what is so horrific about these pics? For all we know, Tony Romo has planted his seed and she is on her way up the pound escalator. Or, maybe she has just eaten a few too many Ring Dings lately. Still, by any definition except for Miss Skeletor America, she looks great to me.

You women are way too hard on yourselves. Stop trying to be something that is in no way natural. You are supposed to have a little weight on your bones. It is healthy and normal. Sure, you don’t want to go full on Oprah but I think there is plenty of leeway.

So, in this battle, I am siding with Jessica. She looks much more real to me plus she’s rocking that leopard belt. (Although I believe that if your are slightly “hippy”, you are supposed to draw attention away from the problem area. Just another little fashion tip for my peeps). As for Miss America, add a # 4 with fries from Wendy’s everyday to your diet and you will be smoking hot in no time! 

Slumdog Millionaire: I Just Don’t Get It

January 26, 2009

I realize this movie is getting a lot of attention from the various awards groups, but I am having a hard time understanding what I just watched.

First, the movie seems to be about Indians. Yet, oddly, not one of the Indians ever wears one of those cool feather headdresses. What kind of Indian doesn’t wear feathers at least once in awhile? And where were all of the casinos? The two go hand in hand these days.

In the beginning of the movie, the kids are playing in some really run down, destitute area. My guess is that it is Philly or East St. Louis. Again, having been to both places, I know Indians don’t live there….they live on a reservation. Just bad homework done by the film makers.

Next, the Indians are speaking some sort of weird language throughout the movie. Now, to be fair, they have word captions on the screen but they move along at a lightening fast pace. You have to be some sort of speed reader just to keep up! What good is a movie where you can’t understand what they are saying? It sounded like Latin which, like everything else in this movie, made no sense at all.

Then, they have some scenes where they are supposed to be on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Unless Regis Philbin has dense black hair, a pseudo beard and sports a 3 carat diamond earring, the dude looked nothing like Regis! My God, could you not find an old white guy to play the part? Plus he kept pronouncing “millionaire” by saying “millon-air”. How can you host a show, even if it is make believe, when you can’t even say the name of the show?

Then, out of nowhere, one of the characters is sent to Gitmo. WTF? The guy is not a terrorist…why send him there? By the way, they never say it is Gitmo, but you can tell because they hook up battery cables to the guy’s toes. We don’t play that in America. Torturing is for countries where the people have brown skin.

Finally, at the very end of the movie, all of the people at the train station break out into some sort of dance. The movie just morphs into a Michael Jackson video in the blink of an eye. My son looks at me and says, “Pa-paw, what the hell are them injuns doin’ now?” I didn’t know what to say so I winged it and said that they were all gay and couldn’t contain themselves any longer. They just had to burst into dance at some point!

Anyway, what a crazy movie. I don’t understand what the hell it was about but at least I can say I saw it. Next, I think I am going to watch that movie about that guy Benjamin that makes buttons. Another movie that sounds dumb as hell but I like to stay current.

Oh, one more thing that makes absolutely no sense. On the millionaire show, they don’t play for dollars…they play for rubies! The guy is like, “And now you play for 10,000 rubies!” As if! Rubies are way more expensive than dollars so that is just stupid. Just had to get that off of my chest.

If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

January 25, 2009

Just think of all of the wonderful things she would have already accomplished in her first week.

  • She would have abolished same sex marriage in the entire world
  • She would have made sure that only creationism was taught in all schools
  • She would have funded sex education…as long as it consisted only of abstinence
  • She would have banned abortion, except for unwed teen mothers. (She’s not gonna let that happen again!)
  • She would have given every American a rifle
  • She would have drilled, baby, drilled. Even in places like Los Angeles and New York City. (You have to look everywhere).
  • She would have bombed Russia because she is sick of looking at it and it ruins the view from her kitchen
  • She would have mandated that all women wear black or red pumps every day
  • She would have made English the second language to her native Alaskan / Caucasian-onics (Kind of like Ebonics but reversed)
  • She would have mandated all newspapers have more pictures and less words

And the list goes on. We would be living in the most awesome-est country in the world if Sarah were VPILF. How could she have done all of this if she were only the VP? Simple, McCain died like 3 months ago. It was too late to get another candidate so they just propped his body up for awhile.

For me, the best part would be just bathing in her majestic awesomeness. Seeing her on TV everyday would be exciting. What color pumps will she be wearing? What color lipstick? Hair up or hair down? Knee high or upper calf length skirt? Everyday would be a mystery and people would be overcome with anticipation awaiting the results. Look at her splendor once again:


Look how she even matches the flowers of her lapel with then ones in the background. Do you think that Joe Biden has that kind of savoir faire? I think not. And, let’s be honest…we haven’t seen that kind of magnificent hair since the days of Farrah Fawcett. (Who, by the way, did not really age terribly well).


(Although she probably still holds the record for most ridiculous looking celebrity “erasers”)

No, instead of electing the American Lady Di, we had to go for Barry just so we can now say, “See? We are not racist anymore”. What a load of hooey. If we really were not racist, we would have already elected Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or that token black Republican guy they trot out every once in awhile, Alan Keyes. Hell, even the entertainers at the inauguration were primarily light skinned African Americans. Where was Snoop, Lil Scrappy, C-BO, Brotha Lynch Hung, 40 Cal and all of the real artists? Beyonce? Puh-leeze.

America should have voted with their hearts…not their brains. (Or, for men, their ding-dings). The good news is all is not lost. In 2012, Sarah will be back and with God’s grace and a good plastic surgeon, look better than ever. Then we can finally rejoice and get some real change! (Ladies, might as well start getting your high heel collection started now).