Earth To Oprah: We Already Know You Are Huge!

There is no reason to go around telling everyone you now weigh 200 pounds. Everyone that has seen you in the last 2 years already knows it. You can only make your poodle hairdo so big to hide the face fat…it’s just not working. What I don’t understand is why it is such a big deal to you. You are loaded to the gills with cash, you have an army of Oprah zombies that worship everything you do and say, you still have your lesbian girlfriend Gayle…I mean, what else is there?

It’s like Jesus saying, “does this robe make my a** look fat?” How egotistical must you be to try to launch a pre-emptive “I am fat, pity me” strike at this point in your career? For goodness sake, sister, you are 54 years old. Of course you look like hell. That’s what age does to us. Girlfriend, (and all of the rest of you elderly women), you need to let this self loathing thing go. It is very unbecoming and comes across as totally narcissistic.

However, to be honest, there will be a price to pay for your stretchy pants girth. This is the real reason why Sarah Palin didn’t come on your show. She was afraid that when she saw you in person she would either burst into laughter or throw up a little in her mouth. She would not try to be polite and lie to you by telling you, “Wow, you look great!” She can’t because a) Jesus won’t let her tell a lie and b) she is a maverick. Lose 50 pounds and then check with Sarah again.

I do think it is ironic that that you named your studio “Hippo” when you were still a relative waif. Talk about an unfortunate coincidence. I just know that some of your crew are walking around doing the “Hungry, Hungry, Hippo!” chant. That is not funny and I hope you have them sent to your prison camp for girls in Africa. That will teach them a thing or two. They should appreciate that they work for the single most powerful woman in the world…albeit a fairly chunky powerful woman.

In a recent interview you said, “I feel like a fat cow”. Wow, that is an awfully tough thing to say about yourself. Never forget that you are not defined by your physical stature. I do have a question though. Didn’t you say some time ago that you would never eat beef again and encouraged others to do the same thing? Remember? I think you got sued over it. Now, I don’t want to call you a liar, but am I suppose to believe that this 200 pounds was not at least partially due to some serious wolfing down of Big Macs and Baconaters? And is it fair to assume that there were also some large fries with those orders?

Again, my main point here is to let you know your fans still love you. You could “OJ” a half dozen of them live on TV and they would still love you. So stop hating yourself and just wear larger clothes. (You have the cash to pay for the extra material). Plus, pay to have larger people in your audience and try to stand next to them as often as you can. Also, maybe get a real big couch to sit on. And for God’s sake, do not stand next to either of the Obama’s at the inauguration next month. Lastly, you might consider having your next book of the month be something Weight Watchers related. They might even let you go to their meetings for free!

I wish I could help you more but I am committed to Sarah. She doesn’t appreciate me fraternizing with the enemy. Oh, one more idea. On your next giveaway show, do lifetime Twinkies and Yoo-Hoo for everyone! You won’t regret it. (Hippo Studios – that is just too funny).


4 Responses to Earth To Oprah: We Already Know You Are Huge!

  1. ngoldfarb says:

    Great post!

    I like your blog!

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  2. p roberts says:

    Oprah and Palin should be able to like or dislike whoever they want… too bad that’s pretty much impossible if they want to maintain their approval ratings

  3. tannerleah says:

    N – I get the feeling you are not a big Barry fan. You should know I am an equal opportunity hater when it comes to politicians. (And to a lesser degree, religions).

    Not trying to scare you off, just want to provide full disclosure. (Also, I am not a big fan of mean lesbians either).

  4. tannerleah says:

    P – Totally agree. Today, most politicians and celebrities have to be all things to all people. That is why, for the most part, they suck. Barry has a good act but I am afraid that’s all that it is.

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