And You Thought OJ Had A Bad Excuse

So here is the dilemma. Timothy Havens, 38 is in bed with his estranged wife Carolyn sprawled out next to him. Unfortunately, but importantly, Carolyn has a gun shot wound to the chest and is in critical condition. What in the world should Tim do? (Here is a photo of Mr. Intelligent)


Showing quick wits and the brains of a gopher, Tim calls the police and goes with this version of the story. He and his wife, who has a civil protection order against Tim, were having a sexual tryst that evening. Casually, Tim reached for something on the nightstand and a gun “accidentally” went off striking his wife in the chest.

However much of an idiot you think OJ is, you have to admit Tim is right up there with him. Where to being in this train wreck. First, usually when you have a restraining order taken out on someone you try to keep the sexual romps to a minimum. Next, even assuming having a gun sitting on your nightstand was normal, how does it just “go off” when nudged. Lastly, this bullet must have been shot by one of those people in the movie where they can make bullets curve around people. The physics of such a shot are ridiculously implausible.

Oh, and did I mention that Tim had already served 60 days in jail for previously assaulting her? Yes, quite the ladies man Tim is. Seems the anger management classes he was also ordered to take didn’t really pay off.

Seriously Tim, could you have at least tried a little bit harder? Maybe something like, “Gee officer, my wife called me crying last night. I went over and when I got there, she pulled a gun on me and it went off in the struggle. Then we had sex.” Eh, scratch the last sentence…might not be believable.

Hopefully, Carolyn pulls through her injuries and Tim meets his new roommate in prison soon. At least the good news there is that when Tim has sex in prison, the odds of a gun going off will be significantly reduced. However, he might find the sex to be infinitely less pleasing.


5 Responses to And You Thought OJ Had A Bad Excuse

  1. Brad says:

    First of all, this guy ignored a restraining order, then he expects people to believe that a gun that ‘happened’ to be sitting on the nightstand, and it fell into his hand, aimed at his wife, and pulled the trigger. What a tool!

  2. tannerleah says:

    Yeah, I’m thinking unless he can get the OJ jury and Judge Ito back together, he might be in pretty big trouble.

  3. Aces-n-Eights says:

    This poor guy can’t catch a break! He accidently assaults her and gets a CPO against him, and the minute they try and patch things up with a little “humpy-humpy-stink-stink”, the gun accidently goes off and it catches her square in the chest!

    I dont know whats more believable, this story, or the “Kiss-less engagement” story?

    • tannerleah says:

      Aces, you are correct. One of the worse cases of “bad luck” I have ever seen.

      “Humpy-humpy-stink-stink”. How eloquent…I could have not said it better.

  4. elizabeth3hersh says:

    In Yiddish, it’s called “schtupping” or “schtup”. Speaking of OJ, my great city of Las Vegas finally got Juice-tice: 15 years with parole eligibility after 5 years.

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