Should Jesus Be Made From White Or Dark Chocolate?

I ask because a guy in Germany is making figures of Jesus out of regular chocolate and calling them, “Sweet Lord”. I mean, I know that Obama is a superstar in Germany but shouldn’t Jesus be made from white chocolate? Here’s a pic:


This just looks wrong to me. Even a “tan” color Jesus would be more acceptable to me. Oh well, I guess having any kind of chocolate Jesus is better than none at all. Maybe he will soon make a chocolate Buddha or Joseph Smith. (Buddha would probably cost too much because of the belly).

Naturally, the Protestant and Catholic churches in Germany are outraged about this use of Jesus. They say, “This is ruining the symbol of Jesus himself”. Really? So the tawdry Jesus T-shirts (Got Jesus? WWJD?, etc.) is not equally ruining the symbol? Black velvet Jesus is not completely ridiculous? C’mon, this is a stupid complaint.

My guess is that once they saw how many of these things the guy was selling, they were pi**ed that they didn’t think of it first. After all, money is what makes the churches of the world go round. Personally, I look forward to eating a delicious Jesus when he goes on sale in America next year.

Church people, if you want to draw a line in the sand on the use of Christian symbols, start with that stupid fish symbol. It is the single most pointless, silly symbol in society today. So Jesus liked to eat fish. Who cares? I don’t wear a hamburger symbol on the back of my car due to my fetish for bacon cheeseburgers. If you have to use something, stick with a cross. In fact, you might even mix it with the “burning bush” for additional symbolism. That would be awesome, burning crosses on the back of every car. That would be a true tribute to our Lord and Savior.

Amen brothers and sisters.


16 Responses to Should Jesus Be Made From White Or Dark Chocolate?

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    You can swill some Jesus beer with that (…it’s touted as “sanctified and imported by Holy Spirits, Inc. Bethlehem, PA) and get a beer buzz with your chocolate endorphins (your body’s endogenous opiate) for a double whammy sacrilegious high. Got Jesus?

  2. tannerleah says:

    Now, I just need some Holy Donuts to complete the Trinity.

  3. Homer says:

    ummmm beer

  4. elizabeth3hersh says:

    You got it ( I think we have all bases covered now.

  5. Tizzle says:

    I just want to know where I can pick up one of those cool black velvet jesus pieces of fine art? I have always wanted one.

  6. tannerleah says:

    I have 6 in my living room. I am sure we can work something out.

  7. elizabeth3hersh says:

    The Velveteria in Portland, Oregan. (

  8. SD says:

    Seriously Liz – you have WAY too much time on your hands. Maybe you should volunteer at a nursing home ;o) ba da bing

  9. tannerleah says:

    Gee, SD…thanks for ruining my old folks home fantasy.

  10. art vandelay says:

    The fish isn’t because Jesus liked to eat usually have your facts straight.

  11. tannerleah says:

    Did Jesus live in the whale? I know you told me to read the Bible but it is such a loooooong book.

  12. art vandelay says:

    That was Jonah you idiot.

  13. art vandelay says:

    BTW, I mean “idiot” in the nicest way.

  14. tannerleah says:

    Your an idiot. Jonah is one of the kids in the Jonas Brother Band. Everyone knows that.

    Glad to see you are back!

  15. tannerleah says:

    As do I.

  16. ChocolateBuddha says:

    Lol, I just read, the same guy who is producing that Chocloate-Jesus is now producing a chocolate-buddha. What is next? Chocolate-Mohammed? I would love to read the comments by our muslim fellows!!

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