How Can You Not Love Blago?

December 30, 2008

He is convinced that he is immune to anything…including kryptonite. Today, in his latest “fu** you” move, he appointed former state Attorney General Roland Burris to the senate seat vacated by Obama. The first thing you should know about Burris is that he is as old as dirt, 71. You should also know that he would be the only black senator this country currently has. I must confess, I was not aware of this. (I need to check on how many Hispanics, Indians, China people and other minorities are also being ignored…might be a trend).

Quick as a cat, President-elect Obama (aka the Magic Negro), supported the democrats decision not seat Mr. Burris. Apparently, one magic negro is enough for Senator Obama. Barry once again sides with whitey. I must say, his act is already getting old. Where the hell is Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton when you need them? 

Look, the bottom line is that Rod  Blagojevich is still the Governor of Illinois. You don’t have to like that but it does not give the senate, or Barry, the right to circumvent the rules. The governor gets to decide who fills the senate seat and he has decided. Case closed. Don’t make me get Mrs. Blago up here to teach you all a fu**in’ lesson or two. (She would make Hillary quiver with fear).

I still say this has more to do with Blago’s wicked awesome hair and less to do with some sort of criminal activity. Who even wants to be a senator in Illinois? Blago was probably trying to bribe people to take the stinking job. All I know is that somewhere George Allen and Robert Byrd are thinking to themselves, “Thank God, not another colored fella”. (They might have used a different word than “colored”).

Blago, I am behind you 100%. These hypocritical, lying, thieving, in-bred, back stabbing political ingrates can go screw themselves. They are as dirty, if not more dirty, than you have ever been. They just don’t have the sac to tell it like it is. And shame on you, Magic Negro Obama for not doing the right thing here. You know Burris deserves that senate seat regardless of who appoints him. You could solve this but instead, you will just leave the mess for Dubya to clean up. How democratic of you.

And Patti, Mrs. Blagojevich, if you feel the need to have a public breakdown and curse every last person you can think of, I support that as well. (And might I say, you are looking lovely these days).

Illinois Governor

Here is a nice rant from one of my favorite guys, Robert Montgomery Knight. You can use it as a guide to come up with your own speech. (Quite of few bad words in Bob’s pep talk but you will feel better about yourself after listening. Like me, Bob is also a people person.)

Jennifer Lopez And Marc Anthony To Split? The Horror!

December 30, 2008

Someone asked me to write something about the impending break up of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. First, I had to kind of remember which Spanish chick Jennifer Lopez was. (After all, it’s a very common name). Then I remembered it is J Lo from the 90’s. I am surprised people are still thinking about her. Isn’t her claim to fame a bulbous bottom? I think she sang a little bit too.

In any case, here is what I think. I could care less what those two do. I couldn’t point out Marc Anthony if my life depended on it and there are way more talented and attractive Hispanic performers than Jenny on the block. Penélope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Eva Mendes, etc. J Lo, sorry to give you the bad news but your ship has sailed. Wearing your wedding band, or not wearing your wedding band, is a pitiful effort to gain attention.

You might notice I did not add Cameron Diaz. That’s because there is something entirely too manly about her. However, when I thought about Cam, Drew Barrymore’s name popped into my head. I just read somewhere that she now has a new boyfriend. Is she now the single most skankiest Hollywood actress of all time? As someone else put it, “she has had more poles in her than Warsaw”.

What happened to the pretty little E.T. girl I knew and loved? I know her family is a train wreck but what is going on with all of the men? And why does she get such a hall pass on it unlike Madge or Angie? They both played the “bi” angle so that can’t be it. I know that Drew used to be a vegetarian but now she is back into meat. No kidding. Drew, get your crap together and stop polluting your hoo-hoo before you have a sludge buildup bigger than the one in Tennessee. (That last comment might have been slightly gratuitous).

Back to J Ho Lo. Here is a recent pic of her:


Couple of things. First of all, who the hell is the blind albino guy you are hanging out with? He is wearing a turtleneck and gloves without fingers? Lose him immediately. Next, why did you marry such a short dude in the first place? That almost never works. Lastly, you look like you have been eating a few too many Bavarian Creme donuts lately which is doubling your junk in the trunk. I realize that is your claim to fame but we like “big butts”, not one that looks like two pigs fighting over a Hershey’s Kiss. (Again, possibly slightly over the line).

As always, I am glad I can help my celebrity friends. Adiós!

Can We Get Monk To Investigate The Cruise Ship Death?

December 29, 2008

36 year old Jennifer Seitz has been missing since Christmas night. After an exhaustive search, the Coast Guard has been unable to find her. Here is the link to the story: (See that General Tso? Taking your advice already). Honestly, when I first heard about this story I figured she had fallen drunk overboard or killed herself. Nothing strange at first blush.

Missing Cruise Passenger











Today, Jennifer’s family issued a statement saying they felt that this was likely a case of suicide. Seriously? In just a couple of days? It is one thing for a bystander like me to blow it off but the immediate family? Now, maybe it is possible that they have conclusive evidence that leads them to this decision. But, the more I read about it, nothing I see makes suicide a likely scenario. Granted, Jennifer has apparently been “troubled” in the past but it seems she was in good spirits on the cruise. Other patrons specifically remembered Jennifer and her husband being boisterous and, seemingly, having a good time.

Speaking of Jennifer’s husband, what do we know about Ray Seitz? Well, we know he was arrested in April for head butting his wife, although she refused to prosecute. (I thought prosecution was mandatory in spousal abuse cases?) We also know he did not report his wife missing until 8 hours after she was gone. Maybe it’s just me, but 8 hours seems like a bit of a stretch. Finally, how about these words from fellow passenger Jim Nestor, “I had given him my condolences, and he had a plastic bag filled with quarters, and he said to me that he was going to the casino to see if he could change his luck.” Wow, that sounds like one distraught husband.

Seriously, can we get Kojak or Monk or somebody to investigate this thing? By all accounts, this was a woman that was happy. The cruise was to celebrate her 1 year anniversary with her husband. She apparently had just landed a new job. She had successfully completed bariatric weight loss surgery. How does any of this remotely look like suicide? Even Scooby Doo and Shaggy could solve this case.

I understand that in a peculiar way, it is easier to accept her death if she had just killed herself. But nothing in this story makes sense and if OJ can’t get away with murder, than this guy shouldn’t either. And even if there is a slight chance he didn’t do it, wouldn’t the family want to be absolutely sure? 

If it was not the husband, and that is a big if, my money is on the ship’s doctor or Gopher. Isaac the bartender is another one I would want to question. He probably didn’t do it but he knows everything that happens on the ship. Frickin’ Love Boat, my a**. Something bad always happens on those damned cruises.

And You Thought Obama Wasn’t A Muslim…

December 29, 2008

You silly, silly white people. How many clues did he have to throw your way? You had a color photo of him in his full Muslim outfit yet believed it was just a “photo op” in a foreign land. You have his “the chickens have come home to roost”, bat sh** minister he has been seeing forever yet convinced yourself “he didn’t know”. Finally, you completely ignored his middle name, Hussein. You said to yourself, “I think that is really just because his dad is African”.

What a bunch of dumb crackers. He may have fooled all of you, but he never fooled me. He of the big, toothy grin that makes women go all Mandingo weak in their knees. Here is the proof you have been waiting for.












That’s right. Your president-elect is boldly wearing his taqiyah cap in public these days. As if to say, “What are you going to do about it, beeyatch?” (I do have to admit, however, he does look cut in his nice Nike t-shirt). He is not even the POTUS yet and already he is rubbing your nose in it!

My God, we have been duped like never before. (Ok, that’s not really true since Dubya was actually re-elected. Still, you see my point). This smooth talker completely fooled a nation. What’s next? We have already seen that the rest of the world bows at this guys large feet. With this kind of power, who knows what he will be able to accomplish?

You like your bacon? Say goodbye to it. Beer or any other type of alcohol? That’s also a no-no. How about a nice donkey sandwich? Kiss it goodbye as well. (Actually, I can live with that one). My point is McDonalds will now be serving halal chicken nuggets. You think I am kidding? Head to Dearborn, MI and see what’s on the local McDonalds menu already. Don’t get me wrong, I like chicken but a brother must have some ribs!

So now that the genie is out of the bottle, we will have to live with Hussein for the next 4 years. If you are a guy, you might as well start growing a beard and buy your first taqiyah. Ladies, get that “wrap a scarf around your head” look going. My, how quickly things have changed.  Do you remember the good old days when you used to worry about Mexicans taking over the country? By the time Hussein is done, you will be begging for a taco.

And by the way, would it really be so horrible if this was your new boss?


 Didn’t think so…

Don’t Hire A Nanny…They Will Steal Your Child

December 26, 2008

This is the lesson we have all learned recently. Seemingly, every child being abducted these days is being carried off by the nanny. I can remember the good old days when nannies just slept with the husband and/or tried to kill the wife. Think back to “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle” and the awesome Rebecca De Mornay. Hubba hubba.


Ah, the good old days. Today, however, anytime a child goes missing the nanny invariably did it. The latest case involves the child of Meagan McCormic. Seems that Meagan went on her local television station crying her heart out (sans tears) over the abduction of her baby, Riley. It seems that Riley was abducted by a French nanny named Camile. Immediately, I knew this had to be true because those French people are always up to no good.

What made it even sadder was that the child’s daddy had just flown down to Miami from Boston to see his baby for the first time. What should have been a beautiful reunion turned quickly into a nightmare. The police quickly put out a picture of the ugly red headed child. (Sorry, just sticking to the facts). The mother described little Riley as having a mohawk, one tooth and an artificial tattoo. Um…ok. Sounds reasonable.

After the story kept getting more and more bizarre, Meagan finally admitted that there was no child. It was all a hoax. She had been pregnant back in March but miscarried. In hopes of keeping her boyfriend, she told him that the baby was alive and well. As much as I wanted to blame the French, it seems they were innocent…this time.

So what kind of penalty does one pay for wasting taxpayers money and breaking the heart of a naive boyfriend? A misdemeanor charge for filing a false police report and maybe a request to pay for the overtime paid during the search. Wow, quite a stiff penalty, don’t you think? She should have at least have to pay for the boyfriends round trip air fair. That guy got totally jobbed. Of course that’s what happens when you dip the wick in a reckless fashion. You youngsters out there consider yourself warned.

Personally, I am going to be keeping an even closer eye on Jo Frost, “The Super Nanny”. Now that I see what kind of stuff they are up to these days, you can never be too careful. Of course, if Rebecca De Mornay shows up at your door, you would be an idiot not to let her live in your house. No background check required.

And guys in Miami, if you see this woman, run for your life!!! (Although she is kind of attractive…Maybe a brisk walk instead of full out running).


Hmm…Feed Starving Children Or Pay For Breast Implants?

December 25, 2008

Quite the conundrum if you are looking for a worthy charity to donate some holiday money to.  At this website,, (which SD shared with me) you have a great opportunity to help the self esteem of a poor, small breasted woman. Sure, saving lives is kind of important but without self esteem, who even wants to live?

As near as I can tell, you pick a woman that you find attractive and donate some money which goes into a pool of money for her implants. Depending on what you donate, I think you get e-mails or maybe photo’s from the needy woman. I honestly don’t understand why you would give money to a complete stranger for a boob job but, apparently, many do.

I don’t want to judge these girls but the ones on the main page look relatively skeezy. (Maybe they are trying to look “seductive”). It’s a little bit of a mean spirited set up as even unattractive women can post on this site. I don’t know how I found it but I saw a link that had a girl that was up to around $42 after a full year. Wow, that must really make her feel good about herself.

Here is the bigger issue for me. While I understand why men like big boobs (bigger always equals better), I am not sure what is in it for women. Are you really so desperate for attention that this is the best plan you can come up with? I realize it is a body image thing and I am not trying to be critical but what is the mental payoff? Why is a man ogling your big chest a good thing?

Besides that, a lot of these implants just do not seem attractive to me. Here is a picture of a “success” story:


C’mon…it looks like two of the little monsters from Aliens have climbed into her chest and are about ready to burst out. (She does look a little like Sigourney Weaver). Personally, I don’t see anything attractive about this. Maybe they are just really, really new and they have to be broken in first. I don’t know.

I realize this is a bad example and I imagine a lot of women have had much more successful and natural looking results. Still, what if you don’t? Just Google “bad boob jobs” and take a look at some of the train wrecks. I just don’t see how it is worth it…even for free.

Still, I am a hypocrite because I like a robust bosom, like most men. So, I don’t know what the answer is. It just seems that science would have come up with a better, more natural way to do this. So, because it is the holiday season and I care, here is what I will do. Send me your “after” photos and I will tell you whether they look good or not. I am a very impartial judge so you can trust my opinion. (I am sure my wife will love this idea).

Anyway, I will step out of the way now and let Liz educate you on the dangers of breast implants…silicone or otherwise. Prepare for the firestorm.

EDIT: Per Liz’s request, Dr. Basil Singer (obviously gay)


Just A Brief Timeout…

December 24, 2008

To say Merry Christmas to all of you. (For those of you that are non Christian, please substitute whatever holy day fills the bill. For you non-believers, you are going to burn in hell so I don’t care what you do).

I appreciate all of you that visit. Whether you are actively commenting to tell me how wrong I am on a variety of subjects or just lurking, I enjoy the feedback and attention. I also appreciate my family for indulging me this silliness and for allowing me some time to do it. They also disagree with most things I say but they understand my mental issues and are much more forgiving.

I hope all of you have someone to share your time with. If you don’t, just write me…I am happy to share my time with you. I know some people get bummed out over the holidays for a variety of reasons and I don’t want to see that happen. So, expect me to write something stupid later today or tomorrow. Rust never sleeps.

I love you all, even the lunatics, and hope you are having a great time.

Well, that was quite uncomfortable. Buh-Bye.

Thank God For My Traction Warning Light

December 23, 2008

You know, the squiggly little dummy light that lights up on your dashboard when your vehicle starts to slip and slide. Today, as I was spiraling aimlessly out of control, I thought to myself, “What in the world is happening?” Fortunately, I glanced down and saw my traction light glowing yellow. Of course! I had lost all traction. Doh!

The only thing that could make this feature more valuable would be if a sexy female voice also came on and said, “You are losing control of your vehicle”. (Or something like that). That way, just before I plunge off of the highway bridge to my death, I can think to myself, “I wonder what that woman actually looks like”.

Yes, the traction light is a great friend to those of us that drive in poor weather. Some of you might think it is a nuisance and may be inclined to think, “No sh**, I am sliding wildly out of control you useless piece of blinking garbage”. But not me. I appreciate that someone thought that I, as an average driver, would have no ability to sense that the a** end of my vehicle was fish tailing wildly down the road. I mean, I might have just as easily have guessed that it was a flat tire, no?

Personally, I hope they start adding more of these lights. For instance, the “your car is already running so don’t try to start it again” light. Or the, “your car is filling up with water because you have driven in a lake and you are fixin’ to drown” light. Maybe even a more personal light could be added. Like the, “are you seriously going to eat fast food again you huge pig?” light. 

Thanks car people for keeping us stupid lemmings informed of what is going on around us. My, “you just skidded into a guardrail”, light just went off so I guess I need to attend to business. Ho freakin’ ho.

Sarah Palin Regrets She Didn’t Do MORE Interviews!

December 23, 2008

This is exactly why Sarah is so lovable. She has a limitless amount of moxie. (Not to mention her amazingly good looks). When all of the haters said she spoke too much, Sarah comes back and says she didn’t speak enough. She is like the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail…”it’s only a flesh wound!”


Sure, she didn’t exactly nail her early interviews, but even skeptics have to admit that once they took the leash off of her, she really did a great job. The McCain team single handedly screwed up America’s perception of one of our best politicians in the modern era. In many ways, she could have been America’s “Lady Di”.

I imagine there will be those naysayers that will now accuse her of “palling around with drug dealers” but they are just being vindictive. Let’s face it, Sarah should have been at the top of the ticket and the RNC didn’t figure that out until it was too late.

I also think that her devout Christianity hurt her due to the fact that Barry Hussein Obama made being Muslim the religion du jour. This is just another fad that will quickly pass. Give it a little time…people will be just as hateful towards Barry as they currently are for Sarah. Jesus knows the truth!

Let’s be honest for a moment. The real truth behind the mean spirited feelings towards Sarah are primarily driven by misogyny. (And I know a thing or two about this). She is an attractive woman which, in itself, alienated a huge number of women. Women are just catty like that. They want their female leaders in pant suits like Hillary. It is less competitive for them.

On the other hand, men had a hard time getting past her ethereal beauty. They could not come to terms with the fact that someone so hot could be so smart. Men generally like their hot women to be moderately dense. Hence, the Barbie and Stepford society we live in.

So amazingly, in the end, the citizens of the US elected a half black, Muslim, elitist, non US citizen, bastard child. While that is pretty admirable, it shows just how frightened we are of powerful women. Sarah could have moved this country forward by light years. Instead, we are stuck with the, “Get back in the kitchen and get me a beer” treatment of women for years to come. Shame on you ladies for allowing this to happen.

Hey Sarah, look what I have for you!


Music Group Responsible For Teen Death?

December 22, 2008

When I first read the headline, I thought for sure it had finally happened…the Jonas Brothers had finally pushed someone over the edge and caused them to whack somebody. Unfortunately I was wrong.

No, the latest group to be accused of influencing the behavior of idiotic teenagers is Insane Clown Posse. Now, I am not a listener of ICP, but I have seen them on TV in their full clown regalia. Pretty silly looking to me in the same way that KISS was silly looking in the 70’s.

However, even without hearing the first verse of their music, I can say unequivocally, they are not responsible for the death of Matthew Silliman.


You see the 4 idiots to the left of Matthew’s photo? They are the reason that he is dead…all by themselves. For some reason, which probably seemed really, really cool at the time, they read Matt his fortune using Tarot cards. (Of course, since they already knew his fate, this seems like a fairly pointless step).

They then proceeded to pound the young man in the head with a hammer and then suffocate him with duct tape. The article refers to the 4 imbeciles as “his friends”. Really? Under what possible scenario would you refer to people that murder you as “friends”?

It’s good to see that Sherriff Fife and company are hot on the trail of the ICP connection. That is a hot lead that should really get them some great results. Unless of course, it turns out that the 4 a**hats lured Matthew into their little club and killed him out of sheer boredom and ignorance. It’s too bad that it appears Matt felt compelled to join these idiots just to get some  “friendship” tossed his way.

My guess is that 1 of the 4 is the “brains” behind the operation and the other idiots just got caught up in a terrible situation. Something tells me that these 4 are desperately lacking an education and/or parental guidance. As usual, this is where the blame belongs. Of course, by the time you reach 17 or 18, even that excuse is pretty flimsy.

My hope is that those that were directly involved are prosecuted to the maximum extent the law allows. Nothing good can come out of this but there should be a clear message sent that lame excuses will not curry favor with the court. Again, if it were the Jonas Brothers, I might feel differently. I could definitely see how they could drive someone to murder.

Sherriff Fife – If no one admits to being the “mastermind”, blame it on the kid named Asdil Shaaid Kahn…that should quiet the angry crowd. “I knew it had to be that dammed Muslim sum-a-bitch!”