Melody LaLuz, 28, and Claudaniel Fabien, 30, are finally married after two years of courting. What makes this story different from any other is that the two lovebirds never so much as kissed during the two years. Both Melody and Claudaniel teach abstinence classes in the Chicago public school system and thought this would be a good example for their kids.
Obviously, I have all kinds of problems with this. My first thought is that these two measure “kissing” like Bill Clinton measures “sexual relations”…cigar and all. Sure, Melody may have provided oral sex or let Claudaniel “knock on the back door” but they never kissed. Hookers don’t kiss either but I don’t think that makes them pure as the driven snow.
Plus, this is what they consider to be realistic abstinence? When did a kiss become a sexual act? If that’s the case, I have been banging female members of my family for years. (Sorry, Grandma. I can only hope is was good for you, too). This photo shows Melody giving her husband to be a kiss on the cheek. How very generous of her.
Claude told the local newspaper he showed his love in other ways. For instance, like cleaning her car or washing the dishes. Dude, if you have to do that much work for a kiss, you are going to have to build her a house just to get a reach a round. (And even then she will probably stop early). Everything he wants for the rest of his life will come with a steep price tag.
And what if after all of this slavery, Claudaniel finds out he is not getting the goods he thought he was getting? Maybe she stuffs her bra or has a secret colostomy bag? What if, God forbid, he reaches down “there” the first time and grabs hold of something that feels incredibly like a sausage? That would be 2 prime years of manhood completely wasted. (Unless of course he swings that way then, no harm, no foul).
Where were these kind of virtuous teachers when I grew up? Unfortunately, the only person I know that thinks like this is the mother from the movie Carrie. “Hide your dirty pillows!” She probably would have made a hell of a teacher…except for the whole “burning down the gym” thing.
In any case, I wish the happy couple well. Unless of course they are completely lying to everyone. For all we know, Claudaniel has given Melody several concussions from banging her head into the headboard. Or, he is the father of 6 other kids in the last two years. Although he says he didn’t kiss her, I didn’t read anything about him not kissing anyone. Eh, I will give them the benefit of the doubt.
All I know is that since this happened in Chicago, somehow Obama is to blame. Damned liberal.