I Think I Should Start A Pirate Ship Business

I mean, why not? All you need is some sort of boat and something that looks like a rocket launcher to stop massive ships anytime you want. Apparently, there is no expertise involved because you don’t actually have to do anything. Just pull up along side and point your missile. The crew will cave in immediately.

So, how big of boat does one need to get started? Here is a photo of one of the nicer “pirate ships”.


Pretty sweet ride, eh? I like how friendly the pirates are…waving and smiling at the camera. I would definitely give them my tanker full of stuff.

Today, the 97th ship was hijacked in the Gulf of Aden. The ship was being guarded by 3 professional security guards. Unfortunately, 2 were from Britain and 1 from Ireland so they weren’t packing any heat. What did these brave security forces do when the pirates began to board the ship? They jumped overboard and swam away. Now that is the kind of security that has been so desperately lacking in previous hijack attempts.

My fear is that by the time I get my ratty boat and crappy rocket launcher put together, someone will actually figure out a way to stop these daring pirates. They might give a guy a rifle, for instance, so that when the pirate ship gets close, they just kill them first. Or, they might lob a grenade into their boat. Or, they might throw Molotov cocktails into their boat. Or, they might ram their big boat into the little pirate boat. 

I realize these are all extremely complicated strategies which is why they have not been employed. Plus, they might have to pay a guy to do the job and I am not sure if these multi million dollar shippers could afford it. Especially if they were going to hire a security detail that would not jump overboard at the first sign of trouble! If you are willing to pay 15 million to release hostages, which some of these companies have, couldn’t you pony up maybe 15k to get Cletus and Leroy from Alabama to handle the job? I guaran-damn-tee ya those boys will keep you safe.

Still, since there is no sign whatsoever that shipping magnates are doing anything about it, I guess I can get in on the action. I will be looking for a small crew, so let me know if you are interested. I need at least one really big guy to sit in front of me on my boat in case any shooting breaks out. Oh, I will also need someone to hold my satellite dish while I watch Barney Miller reruns. Plus, I will need a fully stocked mini fridge and enough room for my couch. Hmm…seems like I still have some work do to on my plan. I’ll keep you updated.


7 Responses to I Think I Should Start A Pirate Ship Business

  1. Frank a marcomb says:

    notice to all ship owners in the gulf as you see you get what you pay for three secuirety guards on a ship the size of a foot ball feild you best consoult all of your ceo’s and there familys because for each ship they take over they be little you just that much more it is more light sycalogical war fare first they take your ships for ransom next they will take your familys hire individuals that can secure and protect your intrest i find allowing these pirets to do what they do in a row boat go’s to show you that these compenies are all about greed i guess it is an inside job and ins. companies should not be held accountable for the companies intrest bottom line hire security gaurds not day care workers never bring a knife to a gun fight

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    In spite of the astonishing number of grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors (I lost count), Frank summed it up nicely with “never bring a knife to a gunfight.” Somalia has not had a functioning judiciary since 1991. It’s pretty much every man for them self over there. The fledgling government of Somalia does not have the resolve or the brawn to reign in these thugs (I think the word pirate has too much cachet [think Pirates of the Caribbean]). This lucrative enterprise has morphed into an aquatic Cosa Nostra. So theoretically TL, your little enterprise sounds profitable and just about, risk-free (I think all you will be able to tune in to though is STN: Somali Television Network out of Mogadishu).

  3. tannerleah says:

    I thought STN was the Star Trek Network. Forget it.

  4. Clyde says:

    Sounded like a good idea until today. The US Navy decided they wanted to play, too. Go to plan B. I linked your idea to my blog, if that’s OK.

  5. Xcel says:

    I say, give Cletus and Leroy one .50 cal sniper rifle and two AR-15 (sure a Molotov would be fun to watch)take the pirates 1/2 mile away, heck I would market this as target practice for some people and sell it to tourist around the world… “ohh… there is a pirate boat on the horizon …. can I try dad can I try?? sure son is your turn now…”

    Ps. I am sure I have spelling and punctuation errors too

  6. Anonymous says:

    dont make fun of my country why are u so racists for

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