Wow, could life get any better? I am sure you have all heard the story about Lois Feldman, 38, having sex with Ross Walsh, 26 in the men’s room at a college football game. Specifically, an Iowa Hawkeye’s football game in the Minneapolis Metrodome. To her credit, the act was performed in a stall with the door shut.
I have been waiting for a photo of Lois to show up so I could decide whether this was a great story or a really great story. (Let’s face it, if Lois weighs in at 300+, it is going to take a little something out of it). Since I couldn’t find one, I thought I would just use a photo of my “fantasy cougar”. (And no, I didn’t go for the obvious choice…Sarah Palin).
Ok. Now that you have the sexy visual, here is what happened.
Lois was knocking the wine back at a friends house before the game. She apparently had enough to drink that her husband suggested she not go. Now, the way I see it, Lois knew she had a chance to get lucky with probably 1 of 30,000 men of a variety of ages. But since it is college ball, more than likely a young one. So, she says she feels fine and off they go.
At some point, and it starts to get a little sketchy here, Lois got up to go to the bathroom, unaccompanied by her husband. The next thing that anyone knows, is that Lois and Ross are banging away in a stall in front of a small cheering crowd of men. (We may be pigs but we do appreciate a good show). Shortly thereafter, the po-po broke it up (unstuck them?) and cited them for misdemeanor indecent conduct.
Now, I don’t want to get off track, but how come Senator Larry Craig waved his hand under a stall and was charged with suspicion of “lewd conduct” and these two, who are actually doing the nasty, get off with “indecent conduct”. You might want to review your laws, Minnesota.
Anyway, back to our story. As you would suspect, men LOVE this story. It’s what any man dreams about on a fairly regular basis. Woman? Not so much…at least that they will admit to. As to Lois, she really did not like how things turned out. Although her husband seems to be handling it remarkably well, Lois was fired from an assisted living center, where she had been an administrator. I guess I understand why she was fired but it seems a bit harsh.
Somewhere, I suspect Ross is high five-ing every man he meets. He is no doubt a bit of a celebrity in his community. It is a shame that Lois feels “her life is ruined” merely because she was the woman in this tryst. The reason she feels this way is because other women will no doubt judge her as some sort of whore. (Ladies, don’t lie…you know you will). The man? Not one bit of judgement other than, “good job!” My guess is she was a woman that had not been that drunk for many years and was, basically, a walking blackout. Now, she has to live with this humiliation for the rest of her life.
Here is my plan to help Lois. Cougars of America (Cougar = any woman over 35) it is now YOUR job to have sex in public with basically any man you can. Don’t be picky or this will take forever. Just grab a guy, do it and get it over with. This way, all of the men in America will be happy and all of the women can feel equally bad about themselves. I know it is a lot to ask but it is the right thing to do. (And no, my wife cannot participate because she is not American).
Once again, I am glad I can help. By the way, there will be no “tipping” after these encounters. That would be inappropriate. However, jewelry and other baubles may be given to the ladies as a way to say thanks.
And ladies, please let me know when you have completed your mission. I will be keeping score. Do it for Lois.
EDIT: And for those of you who think I am being self serving, my Cougar would have to be somewhere around 60. This is for the young ‘uns.
However, while I am thinking of it, I will share a brief story. (DEFINITELY NSFS) A friend and I were sharing drinks with a mother / daughter team many years ago. It was determined, since I was the more inebriated, i would be responsible for seeing to the needs of the older woman.
While we were in the midst of delicate negotiations, another fiend of ours walked up to the table and sat right next to the matriarch. After a very brief moment, he turned to her and said, “Geez lady, can you put your legs together so the smell doesn’t attract a bunch of flies?” This, needless to say, had a chilling effect on our lady friends. It probably did not help that, while laughing, I spit a mouthful of OJ and Vodka onto the table.
So close, yet so far…