Cougar Sex At The Football Game?

Wow, could life get any better? I am sure you have all heard the story about Lois Feldman, 38, having sex with Ross Walsh, 26 in the men’s room at a college football game. Specifically, an Iowa Hawkeye’s football game in the Minneapolis Metrodome. To her credit, the act was performed in a stall with the door shut. 

I have been waiting for a photo of Lois to show up so I could decide whether this was a great story or a really great story. (Let’s face it, if Lois weighs in at 300+, it is going to take a little something out of it). Since I couldn’t find one, I thought I would just use a photo of my “fantasy cougar”. (And no, I didn’t go for the obvious choice…Sarah Palin).

cougar

Ok. Now that you have the sexy visual, here is what happened.

Lois was knocking the wine back at a friends house before the game. She apparently had enough to drink that her husband suggested she not go. Now, the way I see it, Lois knew she had a chance to get lucky with probably 1 of 30,000 men of a variety of ages. But since it is college ball, more than likely a young one. So, she says she feels fine and off they go.

At some point, and it starts to get a little sketchy here, Lois got up to go to the bathroom, unaccompanied by her husband. The next thing that anyone knows, is that Lois and Ross are banging away in a stall in front of a small cheering crowd of men. (We may be pigs but we do appreciate a good show). Shortly thereafter, the po-po broke it up (unstuck them?) and cited them for misdemeanor indecent conduct.

Now, I don’t want to get off track, but how come Senator Larry Craig waved his hand under a stall and was charged with suspicion of “lewd conduct” and these two, who are actually doing the nasty, get off with “indecent conduct”. You might want to review your laws, Minnesota.

Anyway, back to our story. As you would suspect, men LOVE this story. It’s what any man dreams about on a fairly regular basis. Woman? Not so much…at least that they will admit to. As to Lois, she really did not like how things turned out. Although her husband seems to be handling it remarkably well, Lois was fired from an assisted living center, where she had been an administrator. I guess I understand why she was fired but it seems a bit harsh.

Somewhere, I suspect Ross is high five-ing every man he meets. He is no doubt a bit of a celebrity in his community. It is a shame that Lois feels “her life is ruined” merely because she was the woman in this tryst. The reason she feels this way is because other women will no doubt judge her as some sort of whore. (Ladies, don’t lie…you know you will). The man? Not one bit of judgement other than, “good job!” My guess is she was a woman that had not been that drunk for many years and was, basically, a walking blackout. Now, she has to live with this humiliation for the rest of her life.

Here is my plan to help Lois. Cougars of America (Cougar = any woman over 35) it is now YOUR job to have sex in public with basically any man you can. Don’t be picky or this will take forever. Just grab a guy, do it and get it over with. This way, all of the men in America will be happy and all of the women can feel equally bad about themselves. I know it is a lot to ask but it is the right thing to do. (And no, my wife cannot participate because she is not American).

Once again, I am glad I can help. By the way, there will be no “tipping” after these encounters. That would be inappropriate. However, jewelry and other baubles may be given to the ladies as a way to say thanks.

And ladies, please let me know when you have completed your mission. I will be keeping score. Do it for Lois.

EDIT: And for those of you who think I am being self serving, my Cougar would have to be somewhere around 60. This is for the young ‘uns.

However, while I am thinking of it, I will share a brief story. (DEFINITELY NSFS) A friend and I were sharing drinks with a mother / daughter team many years ago. It was determined, since I was the more inebriated, i would be responsible for seeing to the needs of the older woman.

While we were in the midst of delicate negotiations, another fiend of ours walked up to the table and sat right next to the matriarch. After a very brief moment, he turned to her and said, “Geez lady, can you put your legs together so the smell doesn’t attract a bunch of flies?” This, needless to say, had a chilling effect on our lady friends. It probably did not help that, while laughing, I spit a mouthful of OJ and Vodka onto the table.

So close, yet so far…

Advertisements

34 Responses to Cougar Sex At The Football Game?

  1. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Does a virtual tryst count? I don’t get out of the house much.

  2. tannerleah says:

    No, it does not. For goodness sake, just do the mailman or something. Stop being difficult.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Art, wanna get together online?

  4. tannerleah says:

    Yes, what a fabulous idea…the two lunatics together at last.

  5. Sex in the mens room at a football game. Why do I get the sense that there is a different, exciting world out there that I don’t seem to be able to enter?

  6. tannerleah says:

    Amen, brother. I feel your pain.

  7. SD says:

    We’re heading to a nightclub next Friday night I’ll see what I can do to help old Lois out. My hubby will be in tow but I’m sure he would agree with you & will be cheering me on – I’ll check with him and get back to you.

    What’s your opinion on Teacher / 13 year old student sexcapades? Just curious…let’s make it more interesting and use Teacher / YOUR son – I believe he is an american.

    Tata – hope you had a great Thanksgiving by the way…and speaking of giving I’ll have a count for you next Saturday ;o)

  8. tannerleah says:

    SD – Let’s be honest…you were going to get your cougar on long before the challenge was issued.

    13 is probably too young, 14 would be ok DEPENDING on the level of hotness and mental capacity of the teacher. So, if it is an Angelina Jolie looking teacher that just wants to make you a man – no strings attached – then fine. If it’s a homely looking teacher looking for a relationship, absolutely not.

    I have a great story about an experience I had when I was 14 that will be in my autobiography someday.

  9. SD says:

    Can’t wait…I’d like signed copy #1.

  10. Barbara says:

    “…I spit a mouthful of OJ and Vodka onto the table.”
    misogyny rules

  11. tannerleah says:

    Barbara – c’mon, you have to admit it was a little funny. Crude and vulgar? Sure, but still funny.

  12. Barbara says:

    Uh, no. That’s not funny, to me. Your friend made a crude and vulgar statement at an innocent person’s expense. I don’t find that funny.

    What did that person do to deserve that, other than being female, and older? What’s so funny about the idea of a stranger popping off to a woman with an extremely crude, insulting statement out of nowhere, apropos of nothing other than her happening to be in a certain place at a certain time, as an older female? That’s something to brag and blog about? Are you trying to be Tucker Max?

    If nothing else, Mr. Tannerleah, you and your friend totally blew it for the next guy. It’s gonna be a long time (if ever) before that woman responds to some younger dude coming on to her.

  13. tannerleah says:

    Barbara, while I respect your opinion, I disagree. If her opinion of all men can be persuaded by one off color remark, then she needs to gain some perspective.

    I have had women call me all kinds of things over my life and take them for what they are. One person’s opinion in a snapshot of time. Life goes on.

    However, in the interest of gaining insight, I would be interested in the opinion of other women. Liz? SD? Anyone?

  14. Barbara says:

    Tannerleah, you’ve chosen to disagree with the least significant and most speculative part of my post.

    Who knows what that woman really thought or felt? We actually don’t know. You say that (*if* she took it personally) she needs to gain “some perspective”. Easy for you to say, as the remark wasn’t directed at you. But continuing to speculate, maybe she did have some perspective, that you and your buds were a bunch of ill-mannered assholes. But that apparently wouldn’t have dawned on her until after the insulting remark had been levied. A pretty rude awakening, in that moment. And regardless, the remark itself was a nasty verbal assault, imo. Sure, (some) people can shrug that kind of thing off. And others cannot. It’s arrogance to say what someone “should” or shouldn’t do.

    I have to pose the question, how would you feel if some punk pulled that kind of stunt / made that kind of remark to your mother, hmmm?

  15. tannerleah says:

    Well, my mom is dead so I doubt it would bother her, or me, very much.

    But, let’s say it was my daughter. I would tell her exactly what you wrote in your second paragraph. Men, particularly young men, are often a bunch of ill mannered a**holes. In fact, we have already had this conversation. She understands that the problem is with them, not with her. Her self esteem should not be dictated by such people and I hope it is not.

    Look, if you were the woman at the bar that night, I apologize for the incident. I still think it was funny but am sorry if you were upset. Of course, now that it is some 27 years later, you would be about 67 so that might explain your crankiness.

  16. Barbara says:

    I’m sorry about your mom, Tannerleah. I hope she lived long enough for you to have many happy memories of her.

    That’s cool that you’ve warned your daughter about young men. So now your bases are covered; you’ve done your part to protect the portion of humanity you care about.

    What about the people you don’t know personally? You don’t give a crap about them, do you? It’s ok to make strangers the target of your and your friends’ crude jokes, still laughing away 27 years later. It’s disturbing that so many guys think this kind of thing is highlarious. The targets are typically those in a “lesser” position, e.g., women (especially older women), fat people, “retards” etc. So many lulz.

  17. tannerleah says:

    Barbara, you stated my situation well. It is true that I primarily care about those people that I interact with personally (family and friends). It is a shortcoming of mine. I am clearly not the guy to save the world.

    And, yes, I find humor in almost every group of people. Rich, poor, fat, thin, old, young…really I could not find a group I would not touch except maybe kids. And, even then, there are exceptions.

    It is telling that you find anyone that is the brunt of a joke a “target”. EVERYONE falls into a sub category so are you saying we can never make a rude or crude joke, ever? That is ridiculous. I have been the “target” of many jokes… crude and otherwise. What I have, which you seem to lack, is an ability to laugh at myself. Fortunately, I think most folks do.

    My God, what kind of gray, humorless, politically correct world do you live in?

    (And, for the record, I don’t use the term “retard”. That is cruel. I use “short bus”. Much more appropriate).

  18. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Well, first off, I would have blurted (in my case) Budweiser all over the table in unison with tannerleah. Then I would have taken a few well aimed swings upside the head of Mr. Major Faux Pas with my loaded Louis Vuitton satchel and those blows would have smarted. I agree with Barbara that this was extremely egregious behaviour. I especially don’t like the fact that your bud humiliated a mother in front of her daughter (these incidents have a way of lingering in the mind). Yes, lots of perspective would be needed to ameliorate the situation and certainly another few rounds of comped drinks and perhaps the expulsion from the table of Mr. Faux Pas UNLESS you tannerleah (Mr. Funny Man) could have come up with something equally vulgar directed at your friend. To bring balance to the situation and to let the ladies know that you knew your friend was an a**hole and deserved an equally a**hole-ish retort. In retrospect, what might you have said?

  19. tannerleah says:

    Hmm…I probably should have said, “I wondered what that smell was!”

    Would that have made it better?

  20. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Birds of a feather flock together…

  21. squirrel says:

    I particularly enjoyed reading all of these comments. I’m confused on how you said you only stick to your family and friends… Where are these friends? They never come over. Also I will say that you have been the brunt of the crude jokes in our house, and most of them are made by me, but you know I only do it because I love you.

  22. tannerleah says:

    First, just because you can’t “see” my friends, does not mean they don’t exist. Second, as Barbara mentions, your making fun of me means you “don’t give a crap about me”.

    I think my Christmas shopping just got a lot easier!

  23. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Brunt crude jokes made at tannerleahs expense? Share, squirrel, share!!

  24. Barbara says:

    Hello again folks, and thanks for taking the time to share your views with me. I’ve enjoyed your witty repartee. LOLz 🙂

    But seriously (again), Mr. T, I’d like to return to my previous question, “How would you feel if someone said that to your mother?” Hypothetically speaking, that is, because I realize your mom is no longer with us. But putting yourself in that hypothetical situation – with your mother hypothetically being around 40 years old and the kid who insulted her being 20-something – do you think maybe you’d want to punch that punk ass kid’s lights out? Or maybe instead you’d say to your mom, “Whoa Mom, hahaha, that’s hilarious, that dude really pwned your smelly old snatch.”

    I think these kinds of incidents tend to be riotously funny as long as they’re not directed at us, or anyone we care about. And it’s easy to make fun of a stranger, someone with whom one has no connection, since there’s little risk of any potentially negative consequences.

    What I really don’t like, at all, about your story is that the woman did nothing whatsoever (from what you’ve said) to deserve being insulted. I might actually find it amusing, if she had been getting comeuppance for some reason — if she had been a huge bitch in some way, had tried to steal your wallet or your car keys, or blew cigarette smoke in your face for a hour. But she did absolutely nothing (that I can tell) other than be an older woman. That apparently made her fair game for your friend’s insult. That, to me, does not add up to a funny story.

    If I’m gonna laugh *at* someone, I’d rather it be for something they’ve done (which can be changed or corrected) as opposed to something they *are* – which they can’t help. Do you enjoy being laughed at for what you are? I doubt it. But if you’re a white male, you’ve probably been immune to that. Who laughs at white guys?

    As a side note, it’s really so bizarre (to me) that so many guys have no problem whatsoever sticking their dick in someone they have no respect for, a person they may even find unattractive, or repulsive on some level (e.g., an older woman). They’ll put all kinds of energy into getting her into the sack, only to laugh at her behind her back later, to their friends. Seems pretty inconsistent, ironic, and hypocritical.

  25. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Barbara,

    I knew TL’s dearly departed mother and this kind of thing was said to her all the time (trust me on this). You don’t want to ask TL how he would feel if this was said to his mother, but rather his wife. Now you’ll have his attention.

  26. tannerleah says:

    Hi Barbara, I was missing you.

    Well, let’s see. If someone HAD said something like that to my mom (and, knowing her, I am pretty sure it happened) she would have gone 1 of 2 routes. Sober, she would have said something charming and completely disarmed the guy. Drunk, she would have likely walked up to the bar and picked a guy to go kick the other guys a**. (And, as charming as she was, I promise you it would have worked).

    The irony in all of this is that your descriptions are cracking me up. “that dude really pwned your smelly old snat**”. Honest, Barbara, that is pure comic gold. Maybe I am mentally damaged but you crack me up.

    Seriously, I have no problem with people having a laugh at my expense. I am fraught with issues and quirks and I would be surprised if they didn’t.

    As to your last point, I have consistently said that men are pigs. We make no bones about it nor do we apologize for it. Really, I think it is more of a genetic issue. Can we hide this pig-ish-ness? Of course we can…at least for some period of time. It would seem you have met your fair share of pigs. I wish I could tell you that there was something better out there but I wouldn’t want to lie to you.

    You could always go the Lindsay Lohan route. Thanks for the entertainment…intentional or not. You have mad skilz.

  27. tannerleah says:

    Liz – Whose side are you on? Stop covorting with the enemy. Instead, tell stories of what a great lover of mankind I am.

  28. Barbara says:

    Thanks for the tip, Ms. Elizabeth! I suppose I could formally pose that question to Mr. T substituting the word “wife” for “mother”. But I think I’ve made my points/have done all the damage I care to do for now 😉

    Mr. T, I’m glad you’ve found my comments amusing! I like to think I have a pretty good sense of humor. I know you know what I’m getting at. So I’ll let it all be.

    And yes, it seems that many if not most men are pigs, in some if not many ways. You all can’t be educated as a group, because it is a genetic issue, I agree. It’s in the hard-wiring.

    But I’m still idealistically optimistic that individually, you are educable. Evolution is possible. Just because we’re born pigs doesn’t mean we can’t transform & transmute, through self-examination, self-reflection and the school of hard knocks, into something more sublime. But one has to want that, and see some value in it. If there are plenty enough rewards in staying “as is” there’s no reason to budge or change.

    Cheerio 🙂

  29. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Genetics, evolution, hard-wiring, educable, sublime…all in one post? Now you have my attention! Please continue to post Barbara!! I think you spoke for all the ladies today.

  30. nmhood says:

    The reason I lack respect for good ol’ cougar Lois is because she did the act while married with kids (multiple kids). This Ross character is just a 20-something year old guy, who was probably just as drunk as the cougar and looking for a little heterosexual Larry-Craig-esque bathroom fun in Minnesota.

    If Ross were to be in the same position as Lois, then I would think of them both as worthless, hypocritical people who probably supported Sarah Palin.

    Cheers. http://scarletraven.wordpress.com/

  31. tannerleah says:

    I suspect Lois might have some issues with sex and alcohol addictions.

    You lost me when you dissed my gal Sarah. She is the ultimate Cougar and how dare you besmirch her awesomeness! (Admit it, somewhere deep down, you love Sarah too).

  32. Cougar in Training says:

    I live in Carroll (where Lois is from). Sounds like a great plan to me! 🙂 Take the pressure off her any way! 🙂

  33. tannerleah says:

    Good for you!!! About time we saw a little team spirit around here.

  34. Michael D says:

    one question if so many guys where there watching and cheering them on where are the pictures of it or videos as everyone would be snapping pics with their cell phones or taking videos of it with cell hmm never hear about that and besides if they was behind a closed door why is it concidered indecnt wouldn’t that fall under invasion of privacy some how? just asking

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: