First a caveat…I am back but still hopped up on drugs from my surgery so give me a couple of days to get back into the swing of things.
When I was unconscious on the operating table, I had a vision. Now, I know that I normally criticize such silliness but, since it was MY vision, I will share it with you. In my vision, Jesus came to me and told me what Sarah Palin should do with her life. I do not necessarily condone or support this list but I will pass it on because, after all, Jesus gave it to me.
- Resign as Governor of Alaska immediately. The iron is hot and you need to strike while you can.
- Sign the book deal for 7 to 10 million dollars now! Also, Jesus wants you to do the actual writing. He realizes it will say stuff like, “And one time, at band camp…” but he is ok with that. Plus, he said most of your followers can’t read so why fork over the money for a ghost writer?
- Sign on to do your Playboy centerfold now. You are 44 and, from a looks standpoint, you are now aging in dog years. The clock is ticking. (Plus, he said they could airbrush out the really nasty stuff).
I stopped Jesus at this point and mentioned that, by all accounts, Sarah was a Christian woman and she would never do such a thing. Jesus said that any woman that was a pageant queen, wears stilettos over the age of 40 and has a baby with the odds of Down Syndrome being significantly higher, has no moral compass. Plus, he said he heard that she was giving hand jobs to McCain in the back of the limo.
- Sign up for as many commercial endorsements as you can. For the over 40 crowd you can do plastic surgery, hair coloring, adult diapers and pretty much any kind of food endorsement. (Here is a photo of Sarah at her “Subway – Foot Long” audition:
- Come out with your own clothing line like “Palin Push Up Bras” or “Sarah’s Stilettos”.
- Start an official Cougars Club with yourself and any of the women on Lipstick Jungle, Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City.
- Dump Todd. Jesus was very clear on this. Dump Todd and leave him with the children. Then look for the company of a blogger with the initials TL in his name. He is the “other” chosen one. (Besides Barack).
Jesus feels that if you do these things, your net worth would be about 40 million. Half of that goes straight to Jesus because, after all, these were his ideas. Plus you will have to give some to Todd to shut him up. What is left over should be shared with the mysterious TL.
Again, I don’t normally believe in this kind of silliness but this vision seemed pretty accurate. Was I surprised that Jesus looked like Don Knotts? Yeah, a little. Was I also surprised that he was bothering me while I was getting my business on with Angelina Jolie AND Jennifer Aniston? Sure…who wouldn’t be? But when he predicted to me that Syracuse would beat Notre Dame today, and it happened, I knew I had to share my gift with the world.
I think I am going to go to sleep now and take care of some unfinished business with Angie and Jen.