Canadians Free Fat Prisoner

If only Richard Cooey had been in prison in Canada, he might be alive today. You remember Rich? The murderer that said he was too fat to be executed because of his hard to find veins? Well, now comes the story of Michel Lapointe. (This is a guy…you know how the Canadians love to name their men after women).

Anyway, Michel went to prison 2 years ago for conspiracy, drug trafficking and gangsterism. (What in the hell is gangsterism? Oh those crazy Canucks). While in jail, Big Mike (as he is known…clever nickname) has ballooned up from 375 to 430 pounds. Quick question. Who in the hell can tell the difference between a guy that weighs 375 and a guy that weighs 430? Doesn’t the scale break once you go north of 300?

His complaints were he had an undersized bed, chairs he can’t sit on and a shower that made washing impossible. Again I ask, this was NOT a problem at 375? The other thing is, why do prisoners keep getting fatter in prison? Don’t prisons have the ability to put their clients on diets? Why are they allowed to just blow up at will? Aren’t their some floors to be scrubbed or some salad to be tossed?

Not only did Michel get out of jail, he also doesn’t have to go to any type of halfway house. Why? Because he is too damned fat! I wonder if there is some sort of reciprocity in the sentence. If say, Fat Man loses 50 pounds, does he go back to jail or is he permanently free?

Needless to say it is rumored that Canadian prisons are being besieged by an influx of smuggled Twinkies and Ring Dings. And why not? Every criminal in the country should be slathering their bread with Crisco and beating their fellow inmates for their soft drinks. There has also been a huge run on Ralphie May workout videos.

ralphie-may

That’s right, even Ralphie is shocked by this news.

Dear chucklehead legal people. Could you please stop with the “poor, poor prisoner” routine? They are supposed to be uncomfortable. That is generally the idea of jail. Contain them and, while they are contained, give them a good reason not to come back. I know that Canadians are laid back but this is just ridiculous.

The only good news is that the slightly less than petite Michel will likely keel over before too long anyway. So, enjoy your freedom big boy, I hope it was worth it. In the meantime Quebec City, enjoy supporting this guy for the rest of his life. He is obviously too fat to work so whatever welfare system you have in place is going to be on the hook to take care of him.

By the way, not that I am interested, but how does one get to be a Canadian citizen? I figure if I can get up to about 450, I should be at my prime weight to rob a bank. Worse case scenario, I get caught, convicted and sent home to serve out my punishment. Do you guys have HBO and the NFL Sunday Ticket?

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