Jennifer Aniston Can’t Carry Angelina Jolie’s Jockstrap! (Metaphorically Speaking)

Jen has been whining some more about how the evil Angelina “stole” her man while she was still married to him. Look, you can’t steal something unless it is put in a place where it can be stolen. Do you really think that any man working with Angelina Jolie is not going to fantasize about being with her? In this case, Pitt actually got the chance. Was there ever any doubt as to who he would pick?

If you compare the two, Angie trumps Jen in almost every category. I will list just a few:

Academy Award Winner – Angelina Jolie

Better boobs – Angelina. Just watch “Gia” if you have any doubt.

Bisexual – Angelina. And the women Angie goes for DO NOT look like Samantha Ronson

Younger – Angelina by 5 years

Willing to wear your blood around her neck – Angelina (Even though it was Billy Bobs)

Refused to star on a crappy TV show with David Schwimmer – Ms. Jolie

Tatted up like a cracked out whore – Yet again, our girl Angie

And the list goes on and on. I imagine it is very difficult to be as attractive and wealthy as Jennifer Aniston and not be at the top of the list. My guess is that for most of her life she has had any man she has desired. Now, with her ego crushed, she is left hanging with the likes of Vince Vaughn. Then she moves on to play mommy for John Mayer.

When you look at all of the details, Jennifer seems to be a bit of a whack job. She has admitted to having therapy and just seems to be “one of those” people. Again, she is an attractive woman and if not for her insanity, I might even be interested. But I just can’t deal with nut jobs. So, sorry Jen, scratch me off of the top of your list. (Besides, everyone knows I am waiting for Sarah Palin to become available).

If you are a Jennifer Aniston fan, you need to stop supporting the losing team. Join Angelina and soar with the eagles! I hear for each kid you adopt from Africa, Angelina will get a special tattoo just for you! Plus, she can walk on water, heal the sick and make impotent men chop wood again. Sure, she is clearly some sort of satanic mistress but who cares? Life is short…don’t waste it whining like Jennifer.

(Jen – I was just kidding. Call me, I am way better than Vince Vaughn).


9 Responses to Jennifer Aniston Can’t Carry Angelina Jolie’s Jockstrap! (Metaphorically Speaking)

  1. Elizabeth says:

    The real winner from a female prospective? Gwyneth Paltrow. Hmmm, Brad Pitt or that down and dirty Chris Martin (of Coldplay fame)? It’s a no brainer for me.

  2. tannerleah says:

    Dirty as in “needs to take a bath” dirty? To each her own, I guess.

    Isn’t he the guy that sings like a girl? You need to put on some old Barry White records to hear how a man is really supposed to sing.

    By the way, isn’t tomorrow your birthday? If so, happy 50th! (Again for the 5th time). If not, I will guess again another day.

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Couldn’t you have said “Happy 18th Birthday with 34 years of experience” or something along those lines? Do I need to be reminded how old I am?

    Let’s get back to Chris Martin who is waaaaaaay better than Brad Pitt. “Dirty” as in earthy. All I’m saying is that Jenn may end up as happy as Gwyneth.

  4. art vandelay says:

    Chris Martin is a skank

  5. tannerleah says:

    Oh thank God, art and I are on the same page for once.

  6. Elizabeth says:

    So you two pretty boys prefer Brad Pitt? A pity…

  7. tannerleah says:

    Well, thanks for noticing my pretty-ness but I actually prefer Angie. Didn’t you read my comment about “better boobs”? Pay attention.

  8. patrick says:

    Aniston reacts to the words/actions of her ex’s with admirable composure; she has better self control than i would have been inclined to credit give her credit for

  9. tannerleah says:

    The problem, as I see it, is the volume of ex’s she has. There is a reason that such an attractive, wealthy woman can’t keep a man. Because she is a nut.

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