Maria Esther Castillo, 45 from Oswego, NY, slapped a flight attendant in the a**, somehow fell on the head of a blind person and then pulled their hair. Somehow, this behavior got Maria in trouble. I have seen all kinds of passengers swat the stewardess flight attendant in the butt and nothing happened. True, falling on blind people is a new one but I am sure she had a good reason. Maybe Maria is a Muslim name and they were profiling her.
In any event, they tried to subdue Maria with ankle cuffs and she kept slipping out of them. They quickly moved to plan B which, and I am shaking my head as I type this, was to tie her up with duct tape. That’s right, a plain old roll of duct tape. The “Reservoir Dogs” school of detaining someone.
Isn’t the Department of Homeland Security in charge of this stuff? You know, the organization that has 200,000 employees and a 2009 budget of 50 BILLION DOLLARS? All they have is a pair of $30 ankle cuffs on the plane to take care of any trouble? Not even a box of $1.00 flex cuffs for big or small people? And what if, God forbid, more than one lunatic is on the plane? Just imagine if crazy Victoria Osteen was on the same flight. What a train wreck that would have been.
DHS, here is the stuff every plane should have to take care of hooligans. First and foremost, 5 Taser guns. That will keep the bad guys flopping in the aisle until you can get to the rest of the stuff. Next, you need a box of flex cuffs. Use as many as you need to. Of course you will still need the duct tape to put over their mouth. Then a sharp knife to lop off a bit of their ear if they struggle. Plus, one gallon of gas and a box of matches. (Only use if you really need to…it could have unintended side effects. Better also have a fire extinguisher).
I would also suggest a large suitcase of money so that if you have to use any of the more “severe” techniques, you can pay off the passengers to keep their mouths shut. If you had followed my advice, no one would have ever even heard of Maria’s airplane “mishap”, except for maybe her next of kin.
And to think I actually thought that there were systems in place that would protect me on a plane. The government never fails to disappoint. If they would just hire Chuck Norris as the new Director of Homeland Security, none of this crap would ever happen. No one messes with Chuck…no one.