Bride And Groom Never Kissed Before Marriage

November 30, 2008

Melody LaLuz, 28, and Claudaniel Fabien, 30, are finally married after two years of courting. What makes this story different from any other is that the two lovebirds never so much as kissed during the two years. Both Melody and Claudaniel teach abstinence classes in the Chicago public school system and thought this would be a good example for their kids.

Obviously, I have all kinds of problems with this. My first thought is that these two measure “kissing” like Bill Clinton measures “sexual relations”…cigar and all. Sure, Melody may have provided oral sex or let Claudaniel “knock on the back door” but they never kissed. Hookers don’t kiss either but I don’t think that makes them pure as the driven snow.

Plus, this is what they consider to be realistic abstinence? When did a kiss become a sexual act? If that’s the case, I have been banging female members of my family for years. (Sorry, Grandma. I can only hope is was good for you, too). This photo shows Melody giving her husband to be a kiss on the cheek. How very generous of her.

melody-and-claude

Claude told the local newspaper he showed his love in other ways. For instance, like cleaning her car or washing the dishes. Dude, if you have to do that much work for a kiss, you are going to have to build her a house just to get a reach a round. (And even then she will probably stop early). Everything he wants for the rest of his life will come with a steep price tag.

And what if after all of this slavery, Claudaniel finds out he is not getting the goods he thought he was getting? Maybe she stuffs her bra or has a secret colostomy bag? What if, God forbid, he reaches down “there” the first time and grabs hold of something that feels incredibly like a sausage? That would be 2 prime years of manhood completely wasted. (Unless of course he swings that way then, no harm, no foul).

Where were these kind of virtuous teachers when I grew up? Unfortunately, the only person I know that thinks like this is the mother from the movie Carrie. “Hide your dirty pillows!” She probably would have made a hell of a teacher…except for the whole “burning down the gym” thing.

In any case, I wish the happy couple well. Unless of course they are completely lying to everyone. For all we know, Claudaniel has given Melody several concussions from banging her head into the headboard. Or, he is the father of 6 other kids in the last two years. Although he says he didn’t kiss her, I didn’t read anything about him not kissing anyone. Eh, I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

All I know is that since this happened in Chicago, somehow Obama is to blame. Damned liberal.


Greatest Criminal Plan, Ever. The “Booby Trap”.

November 29, 2008

Police in Uganda have reported a gang of robbers have been using women to lure men into a dangerous trap. Instead of using the common route of mixing drugs into a drink, the women are now covering their breasts with chloroform. The men, unable to resist the urge to snuggle their big heads into a woman’s bosom, are quickly knocked out, dragged away, and stripped completely. Ingenious, eh?

Now before you say, “I would never fall for such a scam”, consider the photo that the AFP used to bring this story some credibility:

booby-trap

That’s right, every guy reading this would be on the ground within 30 seconds. 

Apparently, other types of drugs can also be used. What we know is that, regardless of the risk or aroma, men will happily put their face in any woman’s cleavage…following boobs like pigs to the trough. Even in Uganda, where they know the risk is to be robbed of everything you have, including your drawers, they keep falling for it.

So, to all of my pimp friends out there, I am not encouraging you to do this but it seems like a really good way to make some extra money. It is unclear why the girls don’t succumb to the chloroform but I am sure you can figure that out after running a few tests.

So ladies, the next time your man tells you he was “knocked out” by a woman’s breasts, he may just be telling you the truth.

P.S. Before any of you woman can say it, let me do it for you. “Those are fake!!!” There, feel better?


Trying To Make Sense Of The Mubai Massacre

November 29, 2008

It seems we have reached the end of one of the longest terrorist sieges in recent history. Unlike the typical terrorist attacks we have become accustomed to, primarily suicide bombers, here were several smaller groups with the instructions to keep killing until they were killed. As is often the case in these attacks, the killings seemed to be indiscriminate although there obviously was a clear effort to target certain groups. When it was over, however, Indian nationals clearly took the brunt of the assault.

So what was the point? Who was behind the massacre and what did they hope to accomplish? One of the first things they accomplished, whether intentional or not, was the immediate finger pointing by the government of India towards Pakistan of implicit involvement. This is not terribly surprising but somewhat disappointing. If this was the intent of the terrorists, further escalation of tension between India and Pakistan, mission accomplished.

But what if it wasn’t? A gunman in Mumbai’s Oberoi Trident hotel said this, “We love this as our country but when our mothers and sisters were being killed, where was everybody?” He was speaking about the persecution of Muslims in India. Muslims make up a little over 13% of the population while Hindu’s make up about 80%. The most obvious example of this persecution came to pass in 2002 when Hindu nationalists started anti-Muslim riots in the state of Gujarat. Some 2000 Muslims were killed. There were virtually no convictions.

As is the case for minorities in many countries, Indian Muslims tend to live poorer, shorter, and unhealthier lives than their Hindu counterparts. It does not help that Muslim dominated Kashmir is not recognized as independent and has been the source of 3 wars between India and Pakistan. Was this why a Jewish center was attacked? To draw a parallel between the Palestinian grievance with Israel and gain sympathy from a wider audience?

In the end, as is so often the case in history, the people that are repressed and “left for dead” in so many ways, rise up in violence and anger. Is it right? Of course not. But when you live in absolute squallier and are treated as something less than a human being, why would it be at all surprising that this is the result? I am not suggesting acquiescing to terrorist activity. However, to meet their force with larger force is simply no answer. There must be an understanding that, regardless of religious or political beliefs, human beings must be treated with dignity. I am not sure that is too much to ask. 

If it was me, and it is not, I would continue to work on the relationship between India and Pakistan. I think the most obvious starting point is Kashmir. It seems to me that the Indian government should strongly consider redefining their border and allowing Pakistan to absorb much of it. (Obviously, China would be allowed to continue to control the Aksai Chin region).

In return for Kashmir, Pakistan would allow Indian and US forces unfettered access to the mountains adjacent to Afghanistan to attack al-Qaida and Taliban strongholds. This would help diffuse the mistrust between the Pakistani and Indian governments and not allow terrorists the ability to exacerbate these long held feelings.

Finally, India must address the situation with the Muslim community. Possibly through investment in infrastructure and political input IN SPITE of previous Muslim associated attacks on Hindus. What is clear is that treating Muslims as an afterthought can, and has, had dire consequences. Addressing this critical issue internally will go a long way in stopping outside forces from manipulating the Muslim community.

As is often the case, the vast majority of people caught up in this internal war are innocent. They are just decent people trying to carve out a better life for their families. It is up to the respective governments to meet the needs of their people rather than pursue some archaic prejudices that stop them from behaving in a humane and civilized way.


I Think I Should Start A Pirate Ship Business

November 28, 2008

I mean, why not? All you need is some sort of boat and something that looks like a rocket launcher to stop massive ships anytime you want. Apparently, there is no expertise involved because you don’t actually have to do anything. Just pull up along side and point your missile. The crew will cave in immediately.

So, how big of boat does one need to get started? Here is a photo of one of the nicer “pirate ships”.

somali-pirates

Pretty sweet ride, eh? I like how friendly the pirates are…waving and smiling at the camera. I would definitely give them my tanker full of stuff.

Today, the 97th ship was hijacked in the Gulf of Aden. The ship was being guarded by 3 professional security guards. Unfortunately, 2 were from Britain and 1 from Ireland so they weren’t packing any heat. What did these brave security forces do when the pirates began to board the ship? They jumped overboard and swam away. Now that is the kind of security that has been so desperately lacking in previous hijack attempts.

My fear is that by the time I get my ratty boat and crappy rocket launcher put together, someone will actually figure out a way to stop these daring pirates. They might give a guy a rifle, for instance, so that when the pirate ship gets close, they just kill them first. Or, they might lob a grenade into their boat. Or, they might throw Molotov cocktails into their boat. Or, they might ram their big boat into the little pirate boat. 

I realize these are all extremely complicated strategies which is why they have not been employed. Plus, they might have to pay a guy to do the job and I am not sure if these multi million dollar shippers could afford it. Especially if they were going to hire a security detail that would not jump overboard at the first sign of trouble! If you are willing to pay 15 million to release hostages, which some of these companies have, couldn’t you pony up maybe 15k to get Cletus and Leroy from Alabama to handle the job? I guaran-damn-tee ya those boys will keep you safe.

Still, since there is no sign whatsoever that shipping magnates are doing anything about it, I guess I can get in on the action. I will be looking for a small crew, so let me know if you are interested. I need at least one really big guy to sit in front of me on my boat in case any shooting breaks out. Oh, I will also need someone to hold my satellite dish while I watch Barney Miller reruns. Plus, I will need a fully stocked mini fridge and enough room for my couch. Hmm…seems like I still have some work do to on my plan. I’ll keep you updated.


Cougar Sex At The Football Game?

November 27, 2008

Wow, could life get any better? I am sure you have all heard the story about Lois Feldman, 38, having sex with Ross Walsh, 26 in the men’s room at a college football game. Specifically, an Iowa Hawkeye’s football game in the Minneapolis Metrodome. To her credit, the act was performed in a stall with the door shut. 

I have been waiting for a photo of Lois to show up so I could decide whether this was a great story or a really great story. (Let’s face it, if Lois weighs in at 300+, it is going to take a little something out of it). Since I couldn’t find one, I thought I would just use a photo of my “fantasy cougar”. (And no, I didn’t go for the obvious choice…Sarah Palin).

cougar

Ok. Now that you have the sexy visual, here is what happened.

Lois was knocking the wine back at a friends house before the game. She apparently had enough to drink that her husband suggested she not go. Now, the way I see it, Lois knew she had a chance to get lucky with probably 1 of 30,000 men of a variety of ages. But since it is college ball, more than likely a young one. So, she says she feels fine and off they go.

At some point, and it starts to get a little sketchy here, Lois got up to go to the bathroom, unaccompanied by her husband. The next thing that anyone knows, is that Lois and Ross are banging away in a stall in front of a small cheering crowd of men. (We may be pigs but we do appreciate a good show). Shortly thereafter, the po-po broke it up (unstuck them?) and cited them for misdemeanor indecent conduct.

Now, I don’t want to get off track, but how come Senator Larry Craig waved his hand under a stall and was charged with suspicion of “lewd conduct” and these two, who are actually doing the nasty, get off with “indecent conduct”. You might want to review your laws, Minnesota.

Anyway, back to our story. As you would suspect, men LOVE this story. It’s what any man dreams about on a fairly regular basis. Woman? Not so much…at least that they will admit to. As to Lois, she really did not like how things turned out. Although her husband seems to be handling it remarkably well, Lois was fired from an assisted living center, where she had been an administrator. I guess I understand why she was fired but it seems a bit harsh.

Somewhere, I suspect Ross is high five-ing every man he meets. He is no doubt a bit of a celebrity in his community. It is a shame that Lois feels “her life is ruined” merely because she was the woman in this tryst. The reason she feels this way is because other women will no doubt judge her as some sort of whore. (Ladies, don’t lie…you know you will). The man? Not one bit of judgement other than, “good job!” My guess is she was a woman that had not been that drunk for many years and was, basically, a walking blackout. Now, she has to live with this humiliation for the rest of her life.

Here is my plan to help Lois. Cougars of America (Cougar = any woman over 35) it is now YOUR job to have sex in public with basically any man you can. Don’t be picky or this will take forever. Just grab a guy, do it and get it over with. This way, all of the men in America will be happy and all of the women can feel equally bad about themselves. I know it is a lot to ask but it is the right thing to do. (And no, my wife cannot participate because she is not American).

Once again, I am glad I can help. By the way, there will be no “tipping” after these encounters. That would be inappropriate. However, jewelry and other baubles may be given to the ladies as a way to say thanks.

And ladies, please let me know when you have completed your mission. I will be keeping score. Do it for Lois.

EDIT: And for those of you who think I am being self serving, my Cougar would have to be somewhere around 60. This is for the young ‘uns.

However, while I am thinking of it, I will share a brief story. (DEFINITELY NSFS) A friend and I were sharing drinks with a mother / daughter team many years ago. It was determined, since I was the more inebriated, i would be responsible for seeing to the needs of the older woman.

While we were in the midst of delicate negotiations, another fiend of ours walked up to the table and sat right next to the matriarch. After a very brief moment, he turned to her and said, “Geez lady, can you put your legs together so the smell doesn’t attract a bunch of flies?” This, needless to say, had a chilling effect on our lady friends. It probably did not help that, while laughing, I spit a mouthful of OJ and Vodka onto the table.

So close, yet so far…


Your Oven Is For Cooking A Turkey…Not A Dog

November 26, 2008

When Alex Rouse, from Green Bay WI, came home recently to a house smelling of smoke, she knew something was terribly wrong. What she didn’t know was just how wrong is was about to get.

After searching the house quickly and checking the furnace, she went into the kitchen and saw that her oven was turned on. When she opened the oven door, she found her Pekinese/poodle puppy, Hulk, burnt to a crisp. Here is a photo of the late Hulk:

hulk

All that is known, at this point, is that someone broke into the house and placed the dog in the oven.

I consider myself a fairly open minded individual but I just don’t see any scenario where I would break into someones home and cook their dog. When Glenn Close cooked the rabbit in Fatal Attraction, I could kind of understand it. People eat rabbits and they are not that much fun to play with. I also understand that certain cultures eat dogs and I am ok with that too.

However, to do such a thing out of sheer spite, or stupidity, is truly a galling act. It wasn’t even an ugly dog! Maybe the person broke in the house and wanted to shut up the yapping dog. Out of all of the possible ways to acomplish this, this person came up with the “oven plan”. That is a special kind of sick mind that comes up with that kind of plan.

So, as you start planning to cook your Thanksgiving turkey, please, keep an eye on your pets. Especially the smaller ones that can fit inside of any kitchen appliance. I suspect copycat killers will soon follow and move on to the microwave (again), refrigerator, garbage disposal, blender…well, you get the idea. And I suppose if, God forbid, you do end up accidentally cooking a pet, at least throw some onions and carrots on top. It’s just not right to waste good food.

Tip a tall cool one to the late Hulk. Happy Thanksgiving!


For The Last Time – There Is No Bigfoot, Ghosts, UFO’s, Etc.

November 25, 2008

I thought I had already straightened all of this out with my post on the Anti Christ and all things religion. The gist of the message was, “if it is not real, then it does not exist”. However, I am still being battered with tales of make believe entities including vampires and, new to the list, Chupacabra… a beast of Latin-American folklore. Here is a photo of a suspected Chupacabra:

coyote

I will admit that I was wrong when I initially suspected that this was just a very, very ugly dog. Turns out it is a very, very ugly dead coyote. Alas, another false alarm. Just like all of the other false alarms that we have endured for centuries.

A colleague of mine, who is about the most sincere person I know, is convinced he has seen a ghost. Better yet, he is also convinced a ghost (or several) lifted him a couple inches off of his bed. I swear to you that he believes this. Another person I work with has actually seen Bigfoot…walking down the sidewalk. I know it sounds like a joke but they are sincere in their beliefs.

So the question is “why the need to make up all of this stuff”? Researchers tend to agree that it is the brains desire to be able to explain everything. A system of “cause and effect” that we simply are born with. If we don’t have a good reason for something, we just make something up to explain it. One of the more ridiculous examples of this was televangelist John Hagee blaming Hurricane Katrina on the fact a gay pride parade was scheduled and God was pi**ed. Again, I am not making this up.

So, considering that religious folks already believe in a being they can’t see, are they more likely to believe in other stuff? Interestingly, because religious people have an omnipotent God, they are actually less likely to believe in Bigfoot, for instance. In fact, according to research, the more often they go to church the less likely they believe in other paranormal activities. Interesting, huh?

Elizabeth is no doubt chomping at the bit to say, “Of course stupid people believe in religion and ghosts, they’re stupid!” Sorry to burst your bubble but studies show that Ph.D.s are as likely as high school drop outs to believe in all things paranormal. That’s right. Dr. Phil is as likely to talk to his dead cousin as the dude living in the gutter down the block.

So, do not discriminate against your religious and paranormal friends. They are merely filling a gap that the human brain insists must be filled. And really, what is the harm in believing? If it makes you a better person, how is that a bad thing? Just stay away from any extreme and your life will be just swell.

One last note to my UFO believing friends. I know you don’t like to be lumped in with the other loons because, technically, Unidentified Flying Objects really do occur on a fairly regular basis. I saw one when I was about 8 and standing with a group of adults…a big ball of fire in the sky that just evaporated. Most definitely an unidentified object. However, later that evening I was not kidnapped and anal probed by beings with big black eyes. UFO’s? No problem. Aliens? You might as well join your local Bigfoot club. Or as Jim Morrison used to say, “Out here we is stoned immaculate”.

Happy hunting whatever you are looking for.