New Best Job In The World: Pollster

I know in the past that I rated “stock market analyst” as the best job ever but that is now a distant second. The new best-est job of all time is being a pollster. I am surprised it took me so long to come to this realization.

If you have been paying attention to the presidential polls lately, they have been all over the place. The AP/GFK poll yesterday had Obama with a 1 point lead. Today, the Reuters/C-Span/Zogby poll has Obama ahead by 12 points. Either someone is lying or they are just completely making this crap up. Every state poll has the same kind of variation. It is completely out of control.

It used to be that the only poll that mattered was the Gallup Poll. It seems that the world got along just fine with one group conducting the polls and they seemed to be fairly accurate. Now, anyone with a phone and a computer can conduct a poll. In fact, I doubt you even need the phone or computer; just go talk to some people strolling around the neighborhood. By my count, there are now about 6 million pollsters in the US alone. I am about to make it 6 million and one.

That’s right, welcome to the inaugural Tannerleah Poll. Listed below, I will ask some important questions and then list how the voting public responded. My sampling size is variable but will never be less than one. You can trust me because, after all, I am a pollster!

1) Who will be the next President of the United States?

  • Obama – 0%
  • McCain – 0%
  • Sorry, I fell asleep while you were asking the question – 100% 

2) Should Sarah Palin get boob implants?

  • Yes – 0%
  • No – 0%
  • Abso-freaking-lutely!!! 100%

3) Should Brad and Angelina stop collecting children like Christmas tree ornaments?

  • Yes – 100%
  • No – 0%

4) Is Bill Shatner really mad at George Takei because he never got a piece of that Asian a**?

  • Yes – 100%
  • No – 0%

5) Will the new Guns N’ Roses album be worse than the look of Axel Rose’s “Bo Derek” hairdo?

  • Yes – 0%
  • Not even possible – 100%

6) Should Beyonce change her name to “Sasha Fierce” or go for a porn name like “Buck Naked”

  • Sasha Fierce – 0%
  • Buck Naked – 0%
  • What’s a “Beyonce”? – 100%

7) Can you see Russia from your house?

  • Yes – 100%
  • No – 0%

8 ) Is Grey’s Anatomy really the worst show on TV? (Remember, polls don’t lie).

  • Yes – 0%
  • No – 0%
  • I don’t know. I have been in the hospital recovering from an icicle wound – 100%

9) Which political side has the biggest douche bags? The far left or far right? (Asked by AB)

  • Far left – 0%
  • Far right – 0%
  • Tie – 100% (They have equal douche baggedness)

10) Should Victoria Beckham have her fake boobs filled will cheese so, if they burst, she will at least be able to put on a little weight?

  • Yes – 100%
  • No – 0%

11) True or False. People hate the idea that OJ Simpson “got away” with murder but have no problem with the fact that the very white Robert Blake also got away with murder. (Robert is currently scouring golf courses looking for the “real” killer).

  • False – 0%
  • tru dat ya bunch of racists! – 100%

I hope you enjoyed my first official poll. I think we learned a lot today about how the American public views these various, critical issues. As you can see, on every question there was a 100% consensus which means all of these statements are “extra” true.

(These questions were approved by Gwen Ifill, CNN, Fox News, the RNC and DNC, OJ Simpson, the Star Trek Fan Club and Tannerleah).

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One Response to New Best Job In The World: Pollster

  1. AB says:

    I made the blog! You’re right, I spent about 2 hours playing catch up today. Won’t ever make that mistake again.

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