Umm…Hank? About that $700 billion bailout…

Do you think the “rescue” plan should be kicking in any day now? I mean, I know you said it HAD to be done within a week or really bad things would happen so am I missing something? Granted, you were able to give the AIG guys a nice vacation in LA and I am sure they deserved it and are working hard to be more thrifty. But I really need to see my money stop shrinking like a guys testicles in cold water. You’re killin’ me here.

As you have probably noticed, most people seem to be entertaining themselves by figuring out who to blame. It’s Obama’s fault because he is a socialist and will wreck the economy further when he is POTUS. Plus, his buddies in Congress have done squat in the last 2 years. On the other hand, Bush has been on the job for almost 8 years and hasn’t really done anything to help the cause. Also, as it turns out, Republicans are just as greedy as Democrats and the “fiscal conservative” label was all just a big joke.

Frankly, I don’t care about all of that. I like to daydream about my retirement someday but now I just have nightmares. I know I am supposed to relax because the market will invariably rebound but, no offense, I am not sure you and your bunch of monkey friends have the slightest clue how to get us out of this. I realize that you and your cronies are worth over 100 million each but I am not. So, if I lose even $100, I get kind of concerned.

If you know for sure the world is going to sh**, just tell me now so I can take all of my cash to Vegas and have a better chance of securing my retirement. Plus, I can watch a Cirque show one last time. Sadly, my suspicion is that you have absolutely no clue what is going to happen on a day to day basis. By the way, are you related to former FEMA chief Michael Brown? I only ask because this has quickly become the financial equivalent of Hurricane Katrina and, well, that didn’t turn out so good.

I have to go now and continue working on my bomb shelter and storing away supplies. If you pass by my house, maybe you could stop in and loan me some lunch money? Should cost you about 200k as I am a rather finicky eater. I take large bills but I am really going to need this money within a week. Thanks buddy!


3 Responses to Umm…Hank? About that $700 billion bailout…

  1. UF says:

    Don’t worry when you run out of money they will come for our blood. Once they suck that out of us we will be dead and will no longer care. You are such a cynic, where do you get that?

  2. tannerleah says:


    You have it all wrong, I am a positive, people person. For instance, I am now Muslim so when I die I am in line for the 72 virgins…I just need to figure out how I am going to smuggle copious amounts of Viagra into heaven.

  3. nikkieg23 says:

    We Deserve It Dividend.
    I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

    I’m also against the 700,000,000.000 bail out of everyone else which is attached to another pork laden bill

    To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon and that equals $425,000.00.

    My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend. Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

    A husband and wife has $595,000.00. What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

    1. Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.

    2. Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads

    3. Put away money for college – it’ll be there

    4. Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

    5. Buy a new car – create jobs and a cleaner air quality

    6. Invest in the market – capital drives growth

    7. Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves

    8. Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else

    9. give it to senior citizens – Social Security funding solved

    Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

    If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it…instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President. If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

    As for AIG – liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate.

    Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up. Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

    Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.” But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party! How do you spell Economic Boom?

    I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC. And remember, this plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

    Ahhh…I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

    Kindest personal regards,

    A Citizen of the Republic


    send this along to your Representative, Senators, the leaders in both houses of congress and just as importantly BOTH Presidential candidates as well as the Vice President and President with this a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion and 700 billion dollars.

    will it get any where i doubt it but i urge everyone who reads this to send it on to all your friends and family along with the ppl named above

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