A Look Inside The Mind Of A Cereal Killer

October 31, 2008

One of the most frequent questions I am asked is, “What is wrong with you?” I generally smile and say, “Nothing, really”. Then they will look me in the eye and say, “Dude, seriously, what the fu** is wrong with you”. Since I don’t have an answer to the question, I thought I would give you a glimpse of how my mind works.

For the last week or so, I have had a sore throat. I don’t have any other issues like congestion or coughing…just the sore throat. I figure in time it will go away on its own. Now you might be wondering why I don’t just go to the doctor and get it taken care of. I will tell you why. I have put on some weight since I was last there and my blood pressure generally goes up as my weight does. So, if I go to the doctor, he is going to lecture me on my weight and blood pressure. I don’t need that kind of aggravation in my life.

Anyway, after having the sore throat for a week, I thought I would check the Internet to see what the problem might be. (I am not really a hypochondriac but…ok, that’s kind of a lie. I am a bit of a hypochondriac). The very first site says that if you have a sore throat for more than a week it could be a sign of something more serious. The FIRST thing it lists is throat cancer!!! How does that make any sense? So the progression is, cold, flu, strep throat…. throat cancer. Really? Seems like a pretty damned big leap to me.

So now I have another problem. If it is throat cancer, I am probably going to have to speak with one of those boxes you hold to your throat. You know, it makes you sound like an electric razor. Sure, it would be cool to say, “Luke, I am your father!” but I am going to guess the humor in that wears off after the first couple of hundred times you do it.

So you can see my dilemma. There is no good solution to this problem. Every scenario has a negative result. I was going to post a poll to ask for advice on what to do but shortly after my wife reads this entry, I will get an e-mail that goes something like this:

“Tannerleah, you have an appointment with Dr. so and so on Wednesday at 2 o’clock. Why didn’t you tell me about this? God, you are such an idiot”.

So there you have it. A little snapshot into the mind of a cereal killer. (Actually, a cereal eater but that sounds much less menacing). I hope you enjoyed the visit. One day, when I am not medicated, I will let you come with me on another visit into my mind. That might be a slightly bumpier ride.

Teen Shot / Boy Shocked Over Campaign Signs

October 30, 2008

Are McCain / Palin signs plated in gold? I only ask because in the last week, 2 young people have been injured while messing around with them. One was electrocuted and the other was shot. Have I not been trying to tell you people to stay off of other folks’ property? You never know what a crazy homeowner will do…even for a McCain / Palin sign.

Incident number one happened in, you guessed it, Ohio! It would seem that the Buckeyes get pretty PO’d when you go near their stuff. Kenneth Rowles, 50, allegedly grabbed his rifle when he saw some hooligans messing with his incredibly valuable “Vote For McCain” sign. The clincher was when hooligan #1 (Patrick Wise, 16) yelled, “This is for Obama!” and kicked ole Ken’s sign right over. As cousin Kyree Flowers, 17, sat in the getaway car, Ken fired off 3 “warning” shots. All 3 bullets hit the car with one of the bullets hitting Flowers in the arm. (I think we can probably all understand his rage over such a heinous act).

It would seem to me that Ken must have learned to shoot at the Dick Cheney School of Precision Shooting. Just imagine what would have happened to the kids if he was really aiming at them! While I don’t normally condone violence, when you steal a mans political sign, how can you expect him not to grab a rifle? Honestly, what in the hell is going on in Ohio these days? Here’s a photo of Ken. I guess he does look kind of remorseful:

Our next story is about Shawn Turschak of Chapel Hill, NC. Shawn was fed up with people swiping his McCain / Palin signs (seeing a trend here?) and decided enough was enough. Being an electrical engineer, Shawn came up with the brilliant idea of running some voltage to his sign. That way, the next idiot that grabbed it would get electrified! Again, perfectly sound judgement and reasonable thinking being displayed here.

Sure enough, a member of the criminal element fell for the ploy. A 9 year old boy carrying an Obama / Biden sign grabbed onto Shawn’s sign. ZAP!!! The experiment worked like a charm and the dangerous punks devious plan was thwarted. His dad, Andrew Noble, was not terribly amused and filed a complaint with the po po. Sheriff Lindy Pendergrass (no relation to Teddy) said he doesn’t plan to file charges.

So what have we learned today? First, stay off of other peoples property! I don’t know how many times I have to say this. Second, McCain / Palin signs are apparently incredibly valuable which is what seems to be driving people to such lengths to protect them. (My advice, grab as many as you can and sell them on E-bay). Third and most important, do not be afraid to use “deadly force” to protect a piece of cardboard. Guns, grenades, ice picks, brass knuckles, loose nukes…whatever it takes. This is America, dammit to hell, and no one, I mean no one, will sully my political sign!!!

On a side note, it is estimated that “trick or treat” traffic at the homes of Mssrs. Rowles and Turschak will be significantly reduced this year.

Good night and God bless.

Sure Fire Way For Old Guys To Pick Up Younger Women!

October 30, 2008

Archie Anglin had a problem. He was 82 years old, lived alone in Berea, KY and still had an incredible urge to use his “manhood” on a regular basis. Sure, he could have frequented the local old folks home and tried to hit on the elderly women but that’s not what he wanted. You see, Archie is a maverick…well, more of a stallion really. He wanted a younger woman that could keep up with his sexual prowess.

In August, Archie was pulled over as a passenger in 27 year old Gwenivere Szewczyk’s car. She was cited for various vehicular infractions but Archie also got nabbed by the po po. Seems he was carrying Oxycontin, methadone, Xanax and Lortab in a Levitra prescription bottle. Initially, he was just charged with carrying prescription pills in the wrong pill bottle. No big deal.

What the police failed to understand at the time is that Archie had found a solution to his problem. By going to his doctor and complaining of a variety of ailments, he could obtain a colorful array of narcotics. He was then able to swap these narcotics for sexual favors with various young women. All seemed to be right in Archie’s world…at least for awhile.

You see, the only drawback in this plan is that drug addicts also tend to be thieves. So, Archie started to notice small things in his house had gone missing. His TV, for instance. He frequently called the police and each time they would notice different young woman at his hip, bachelor pad. The police figured the women were just using Archie to get some cash or swipe stuff from his house.

Finally, after yet another complaint from Archie, the police put two and two together. Archie was luring these young women to his home for sex. For their service of the senior citizen, he shared his treasure trove of drugs with them. Seems to me it’s a fairly even swap!

So, if you think this story is creepy, just substitute Hugh Hefner’s name with Archies. You see? Now you are probably ok with it because, essentially, Hef is doing the same thing. (Although I suspect Hugh’s women are slightly nicer looking than Archies). Funny how perspective can change your point of view on certain things, isn’t it?

So old dudes out there that are sporting a tent in your pants. Dont’ give up hope! Get your scripts filled, go sit at the local hot spot and line the pill bottles up on the counter. You might also want to act confused because pity can be a strong aphrodisiac. Then, just sit back and watch the moths gather to your flame. Good luck and don’t give all of your Levitra away. You just might need it!

Another community service message brought to you by Tannerleah. You’re welcome.

A Mini Rant On “Giving” And “Taking”

October 29, 2008

Some of us in the world are just naturally givers. It’s somehow part of our DNA and we can’t help ourselves. Many of us are also optimists and can always find the good in any situation. We are, essentially, the wind beneath humanity’s wings. We create a more intellectual, spiritual and beautiful world. Also, we tend to be incredibly humble. We do not gloat about our contributions nor take credit for making this a better planet to live on.

Then, of course, there are the takers. These are the people that always look for what is wrong with something rather than what is right. i can think of several people, for instance, that are more interested in correcting my grammar or spelling rather than soaking in the beauty and depth of the messages I share with you all. These are the same folks that would say to Gandhi, “Yeah, you seem like a nice guy but you sure are skinny”.

These are also the same folks that would look at the painting above and say, “Gee, Mike…I mean it’s a nice painting and everything but doesn’t the guy on the left kind of have a small ding-ding?”

I am telling you. There is simply no pleasing some people! So, instead of attacking my “art”, why not contribute to the process instead of sucking the life out of it? I get it, once or twice in 110 or so posts, I might have misspelled a word. But, instead of focusing on that, why not focus on the number of lives that have been saved by reading this blog. Isn’t that more important?

Ok, maybe saving lives is a tad too much hyperbole but I know I have saved marriages and helped people earn millions. Again, i hate to have to brag but I need to defend those of us that make the world a better place to live in. We are basically walking sunshine, wrapped in puppy fur, smelling (like Sarah Palin) of fresh baked cookies. Stop harshing our mellow!!!

Thank you for your time. Yours, every so humbly,


Government Says To Banks: Spend The Money We Gave You!

October 29, 2008

Really? You mean to tell me that in the 400+ pages they wrote to get the bailout approved, they failed to put in a “use it or lose it” clause? They actually just gave the money to the banks with no pre-conditions and trusted them to do the right thing? How is this even possible? Maybe because no one actually got to read the damned thing before it was jammed down our collective throats.

My God, you might as well set a box of donuts in front of me and say, “Now Tannerleah, these donuts are not for you, they are for the other fat people”. Sure, I will nod my head as if I am on board but I shouldn’t be held responsible for the results. I don’t want to eat the donuts, I have to eat the donuts. You might as well have the crackhead hold the crack but tell him to save it for the others. Ain’t gonna happen.

Which brings us back to the banks. Let’s see, they can hoard the money and make sure that they can take fancy little trips like AIG and make sure there is plenty in the till for their big bonus checks OR pay off debt and get their business healthy. Hmmm, what to do? Of course they are stealing the money you idiots!!! It’s how they got in to trouble in the first place. Why in the world would you think they have all of the sudden found intelligence?

At least PNC took their money and tried to do something smart with it. They went out and bought another bank, National City. What’s that Senator? That’s not what the money was meant for? Gee, we didn’t get that e-mail.

This is why the bailout was such a terrible idea at every level. You had to trust the very same people, who have shown no ability in the past, to miraculously turn around their thinking and perform in a completely different manner. If you ever watched a TV special about lottery winners, you would understand it just doesn’t happen. Invariably, the vast majority of lottery winners are broke again within 5 years. Why? Because they don’t have the skill set to manage such large amounts of money. They want to keep their money, they just can’t make it happen.

So, as an American taxpayer, I am asking the Fed Govt to take back the money they have been giving away. You gave them a chance and they blew it. Now they can go belly up one at a time and those that are responsible will survive and the rest will parish. That is just the natural order of things. (And if you want to give me any of my money back, I would be cool with that too).

When Is Someone Going To Break The Bad News To McCain?

October 28, 2008

All he keeps talking about is how “it’s wonderful to fool the pundits” and what a “great comeback” he is going to have. After all, he is a maverick and has been down before. He is going to fight the good fight and never give in and it’s all going to go down to the wire.

Psssst…hey John…I have a message for you. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU ARE GOING TO WIN!!!

Yes, I know I am screaming but I can only surmise that he has turned his hearing aid off and can’t hear a word anyone is saying to him. How else can you explain his silly comments? I understand you play the game to the end but shouldn’t you be working to help your peers down the ticket? You know, something like, “There is a strong reality that I cannot beat “that guy”. However, it is critical that we do not hand the power of the Congress, Senate and President over to the Democrats. Who will be able to stop them?”

I realize that many Republicans have started saying this but Oldie McWrinkles needs to be saying it. Even his running mate has already started to sneak out the back door. I guess even in Alaska a person can tell when they are getting their a** kicked. (And what a fine a** it is).

John, do you remember when you were on the Titanic and said, “Don’t worry…it’s just a leak”? Or when you told your wife, “We should join the Confederate side. I like their chances”. Exactly, you were completely and utterly wrong. Same deal here. Be a true maverick and take one for the team. What does it matter? You are 136 years old, married to a hot trophy wife, loaded to the gills with cash, have 6, 7, 8 or more homes. I mean, really, stop being such a grumpy old man.

Now, before my republican friends start in on me about McCain bashing, I am actually trying to help you. Besides, as you all know, I am an equal opportunity political hater. All politicians are on the take and have only one constituent to worry about…themselves. The smart ones (not Ted Stevens) make a killing for many years and walk away unscathed. So, while I respect your political opinion, if you still think McCain is going to win, you might as well believe in an invisible man in the sky. (oops…wrong analogy. Sorry Jesus).

You all also know that I LOVE Sarah Palin! Why in the world would I want her to lose? So I don’t get to see her anymore? She makes me all warm and tingly when I see her. Nothing would make me happier than to see her on the news everyday but, guess what? Not gonna happen. (Until 2012).

So you might as well start practicing now. Say it loud and say it proud! President Barack Hussein Obama. What? I couldn’t really hear you. Say it again, louder. C’mon, you sound like Fonzie trying to say “sorry”. One more time, President Barack Hussein Obama. There you go! I knew you could do it!

Buh Bye Oldie McWrinkles. You gave it a helluva shot and if you hadn’t caved in like a little girl to the right wing and RNC, and instead been a real maverick, you might have got a lot more votes. As for Sarah, we will always have our memories. Here is one more picture to remember you by.

*sniff*  I will miss you my Alaskan bunny. Stay strong and keep an eye on Russia for me. *sniff*

(Well, since I already have a box of tissues from crying…what the hell. One more for the road)

Skinheads Plan to Kill 102 People. Oh, And Also Obama.

October 27, 2008

Daniel Cowart, 20, (pictured above with his cool nazi tattoo and glasses) and Paul Schlesselman, 18, came up with this brilliant plan to shoot 88 black people and then decapitate another 14. Once they were done with that, and I swear I am not lying, they were going to dress up in white tuxedos and top hats, drive really fast at Obama, and shoot at him while hanging out of their car windows. This plan just reeks of potential. What a couple of cunning masterminds.

The obvious question is, “Why the 88 shootings and 14 decapitations?” That seems to me like an awfully ambitious plan even for these 2 brilliant would be murderers. It turns out, in skinhead folklore, that 88 stands for “Heil Hitler” because the 8th letter in the alphabet is H. Get it? HH? Pretty damned clever.

14 stands for the 14 words you have to say to get in the neo nazi or KKK Klub. They are:


Now, don’t hate on me nazi guys but shouldn’t at least one of you guys know how to spell the word “existence”? I looked on like 20 sites and it was all spelled the same way. That error alone is probably costing you a lot of really, really smart members.

I have just a couple of issues with this whole “Ocean’s 102” plan. First, isn’t Schlesselman a Jewish name? When did neo Nazis start letting Jewish folks into their club? Plus, why would he hate blacks? My guess is that he totally got screwed on his Bar Mitzvah gifts and needed to take it out on someone.

The next issue is how did they expect to kill 102 people at once with just the two of them? First of all, I seriously doubt that either of these young men can count much pass 20…but I digress. Apparently, they were going to go to a predominately black school in Tennessee. Um, I don’t know if anyone told Dan and Paul this but there are very high odds that the kids in any inner city school are packing much more heat than they would be. They would have got off maybe 2 shots before they were sliced and diced with box cutters. It would not have been pretty.

Finally, what the hell was the “drive real fast at Obama” part of this plan? Were you going to drive a tank? Was Obama just going to be strolling down a street in Crackville and you guys were going to do a drive by? And why the white tuxedos and top hats? Were you going to break into a song and dance number once the mission was completed?

I realize these young men are probably not the brightest bulbs in the pack and they should no doubt be seriously punished for such an offensive plan. They will probably be sent to prison and join a skinhead group where they will be protected. If it were me, I would make them attend the black school they were going to attack to a) understand that the black kid is just as pissed off as they are about life and b) get the education they are so desperately lacking.

And to you Paul, “Shanda auf Dir!” (That’s “shame on you” in Yiddish). Oy vey!

Who Is Kim Kardashian And Why Should I Care?

October 27, 2008

I have seen her name pop up now and then over the last several months but i have no idea who she is. I know she was on “Dancing With The Stars” so, in theory, she should be a star, correct? But a star of what?

With no info on her, I turned to Wiki for help. There, I found out she had a pseudo-famous dad in Robert Kardashian. Still, hardly enough to be a star. Then I read about her sex tape. So what? Who doesn’t have a sex tape? Hell, I have probably over 20 full length feature films.

It seems the most famous thing she has done is have a show titled “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. Were there no other people available to keep up with? What about the 3 girls from Pettycoat Junction? What are they up to these days? Or how about the A Team? I am always wondering about whatever happened to Mr. T. No such luck, I guess.

Anyway, Kim’s dad, (you know, the only actual famous person) died a few years ago. I did read that Bruce Jenner is part of the family but who cares? He was famous for about 20 minutes 30 years ago. Honestly, I just don’t get it. I guess it is cute that she has sisters named Kourtney and Khloe. But Roger Clemens also named his kids with “K’s” so it’s not like it hasn’t been done before. Maybe I am just out of touch but color me unimpressed with the Kardashian klan.

Fake Edit: Hold everything! I also just read that OJ Simpson is Kim’s godfather. Now we are talking. Makes sense since her dad defended OJ and helped him try to find the “real killer”. Now that I know that Kim is almost a blood relative of my man OJ, I think she is great. I may even start watching her show…as long as they don’t show Bruce Jenner. His stretched out face makes me ill. Take a look:

I know Kim is Armenian which I am pretty much sure makes her a terrorist but, if she’s good enough for OJ, she’s good enough for me.

Can Old(er) Women Please Stop Having Babies?

October 26, 2008

I really don’t understand the need for women over 40 to keep having babies. Didn’t you already have 20+ years to squirt one out if that was what you wanted to do? By waiting until you are over 40, you are significantly increasing the odds of complications plus you are going to be OLD by the time the kid is 10. What 10 year old wants a 50 year old mom? Or 20 year old a 60 year old mama? That’s just crazy.

To take it a step further, a 56 year old woman in Ohio became a surrogate mother for her daughter. This is just plain creepy to me. First, this nice elderly woman had the “seed” of her son-in-law put inside of her. Ewww, that’s just gross. Plus, look how old this woman looks:

I am sure she is a wonderful lady but, wow, that is just not right. I cannot imagine that Jesus is on board with this, at all.

The good news is that the babies seem to be healthy and I am glad for that. Plus, in spite of their elderly “real” mom, they have a pretty hot new mom:

 (photo’s from http://cosenotriplets.blogspot.com/)

Now, I am not a doctor but it seems like she was, or is going to, breastfeed the babies. Don’t you kind of need to have a baby first to get the whole milk thing going? Is she just faking out the new babies since they don’t know any better? I don’t get it. (And, to be clear, this is not an indictment of the Coseno family, pictured above. I wish them the best. I just don’t get the notion of old folks having children…whatever the reason). 

I am sure that the “older” women reading this will tell me how wrong I am about this matter but it just seems selfish to me. I know that people get bored once they turn 40 but that’s just not a good enough reason to pop out babies. If you must have a kid, just do like Madonna and buy one from somewhere. (They used to be listed on Craigslist but I guess that was technically illegal).

Or better yet, wait for your oldest kid to have a baby and then spoil your grandchild rotten. Be patient. In the meantime, get a dog or cat and that should hold you over. If you are still confused, try this test. Borrow someones baby and go to the mall. If people say, “My, you have a lovely grand daughter” you have failed the test. Time to shut down the baby factory.

(And by the way, no cheating on the test. Slathering yourself up with makeup and getting Botox is circumventing the system).

I say embrace your oldness. Not having babies doesn’t mean you can’t still be hot. Look at this photo of 60+ year old Helen Mirren:

I mean, yeah, it would be kind of gross to have sex with her considering her age, but… how could you not? So, please, no more baby talk for all of you quadragenarians (or higher) out there. If for no other reason, do it for the children.

Black Man Carves “B” In White Woman’s Face

October 24, 2008

You have to admit, it made for a pretty cool story while it lasted. Big black guy knocks down poor white girl and carves a “B” in her face. It reminded me of when Charles Stewart said a black guy killed his pregnant wife and then shot him. The Boston Police Dept jacked up every black male in the city. Of course, as we all now know, Chuck is the one that killed his wife.

Just as in the Stewart case, there were all kinds of problem with this story from the minute I heard about it. First of all, here is a picture of the “victim”, Ashley Todd:

As you can see, she is a portly girl. Everyone knows that the brothers love the chunky white girls…they don’t hurt them! Also, she stated that the assailant used a dull knife to cut her face. Who carries a dull knife as a weapon? It’s like carrying plastic bullets for your 38 revolver. Lastly, even if you assume the perpetrator was dyslexic and wrote the “B” backward, it still makes no sense. Again, everyone knows that Obama supporters view him as “The One” and he would have cut an “O” on her cheek. (Plus, it covers the dyslexic issue).

Todd quoted her attacker as saying he was going, “to teach her a lesson for being a McCain supporter”. Please…what brother in Pittsburgh speaks like that? If it were a true black street thug, he would have said, “I teach yo honkey ass uh lesson fo’ bein’ down wif dat ol foo”. (Or words to that effect). 

So, as someone that has watched CSI for many years, I have looked at the clues. Confident that OJ could not be involved since he is already in the slammer, I quickly deduced that the real attacker was “Joe the Plumber”. That’s right, shocking isn’t it? He is still pissed off about the “he’s not really a plumber” thing and wanted to throw the Obama crowd under the bus. Plus, he is jobless and has all the time in the world on his hands. Also, since he doesn’t have a job, he probably would jack someone up for a measly $60.

Although I have now solved the crime, some of you might want to take a shot at this young woman because she is a McCain supporter. You might be inclined to paint all young Republicans as zealots and lunatics. That would simply not be fair. We are all Gods children and since the day he created the Earth 6000 years ago for man and dinosaurs, we have shared common interests. Like that time when we tried to go to the moon but had to fake it on a movie set. Remember that? Or when they said Kennedy was assassinated but we all knew he was really living in Hawaii (later to be joined by Marilyn Monroe).

I guess my point is that we are all capable of mistakes whether we are Republicans or Democrats and living in a glass house is difficult for everyone due to the exorbinet price of Windex. See what I am saying? Of course you do. 

So next time you see a crazy looking chubby college kid with a backward “B” on her cheek, you give her a hug. She could use it. (Do keep your eyes on her hands, however, in case she is still packing that butter knife). Good night and God bless.