The Aerosol Effect

September 30, 2008

Warning – Do not read this if you do not like to read about gross, bathroom stuff.

Still here? Ok. My daughter came home recently from college and proceeded to tell me how the bathroom on her floor might get shut down for use by anyone. When I asked why, she told me it was because the girls in the dorm would not flush the toilet and it was getting disgusting. Again, I asked why and she explained it was due to the girls being afraid of being contaminated.

Apparently, these young ladies are convinced that by flushing the toilet, a mist filled with germs will fill the room and take them over in a fashion similar to “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. I have heard this story before but just thought it was a bad e-mail that probably had been shot down on by now. However, I searched the web and, sure enough, there was even a name for it, “the aerosol effect”.

I am not going to argue the fact that a mist with germs might be generated when you flush the toilet. Seems to be a reasonable assumption. Here is my problem with the thought process on this.

1. You are already sitting on a public toilet. That is full skin on seat germ contact. Isn’t that a bigger problem? The rebuttal would be, “I put paper down”. Fair enough, although it is “misted” toilet paper so I am not sure what the point is.

2. When you are sitting there relieving yourself, is there not some “splash back”? Also, certainly you have dropped a torpedo and had the nasty, germ filled water plop up and sprinkle your backside. I would suggest both of these are infinitely more germ loaded than the dreaded mist.

3. And what about the sink you are about to wash your hands in? The Internet tells me it is the second most likely place to have feces. The first? The kitchen sink! (I told you not to read this).

My point is, I have been flushing toilets my entire life (except when I lived on a farm in the 70’s and we had an outhouse. Now that was foul). I have survived it as has everyone I know. If you go around not flushing toilets, a couple of things will happen. First, you will be identified by your peers. You will then have the reputation as “that nasty, skanky, poopy girl”. Next, no man wants to live with a chick that doesn’t flush. We expect more out of you. (We will be the pigs, thank you very much).

It is so out of control, that there are actually products designed so you don’t have to flush the toilet.

This is quite possibly the dumbest thing I have ever seen. You sit this next to the toilet so that you don’t have to touch the handle. First, if any males live with you or are going to use this toilet, it will be covered in urine in no time. We can’t help it. God made it so we miss from time to time. His little joke, I think.

But even if it is for female use only, wouldn’t the dreaded mist settle on it every time you flushed? So now you are dragging poopy germs on your shoes or feet throughout the entire house. Brilliant!

Look, for the love of everything that is holy, flush the damned toilet you nasty college girls. Then go wash your hands and call it a day. Besides, if you think the “aerosol effect” is the nastiest thing you will touch today, think again. You are frequently touching things that are handled by single young men all of the time. Think that through a bit, let the light bulb come on, and you will really be disgusted. (Still confused? Think about the movie “American Pie”. Now you’re getting it!)

The Next “Great Depression”

September 30, 2008

Most of you who know me realize that I am 1) a people person and 2) an incredible optimist. I can’t help it; it’s just who I am. However, as I considered the current economic fallout as the stock market took a nose dive earlier today, I thought to myself, “What’s the worse that could happen?”

I went back and brushed up on the Great Depression. For the most part, it is described as a very bleak period in time. I wasn’t there, so I have to take their word for it. The problem is, when I look at some of the pictures from that era, I get a different feeling. (Again, that optimism of mine shining through). For instance, take a look at this photo:

The first thing I see is a sign that says “free donuts”. Are you kidding me? How awesome would it be to get free dounts everyday? As Homer Simpson would say, “mmmm…donuts.” How could anyone be depressed while munching on free donuts?

Ok, so let’s say (God forbid) you don’t like donuts. What else do we see in the picture? Look at how nice all of the men are dressed. I always wanted to wear one of those cool Clark Gable hats. Plus, all of these “poor” people have super nice trench coats. Hardly anyone rocks the trench coat look anymore which is a crying shame. Our dress code would actually improve over what it is today!

Plus, you notice there are no women to be found. So, this is actually like some sort of club like The Elks or something. I belong to a couple of secret societies but this looks like it would be ok. These guys get to talk about sports everyday, wear cool clothes and, did I mention, eat donuts all day!!!

I am not going to lie. If this is what a great depression looks like, I say bring it on. Screw the bailout and bring on the donuts! (I hope they have Bavarian Creme, I love those things). 


$700 Billon? Do We Get An IOU?

September 29, 2008

Am I to understand that each American household is going to “loan” the financial sector $7000? I wouldn’t loan someone $7 let alone $7000. (Yes, I am cheap, get over it). Plus, not only are we giving this loan, we don’t actually know who the money is going to or exactly how we are going to get it back. The coup de grace is we need to pony up this money within a week. Again, why does it feel like Tony Soprano is involved in all of this?

I am not smart enough to understand all of the failings of the financial world but if you already screwed me once, shouldn’t I be slightly concerned that you are going to do it again? Is someone co-signing for this loan? I mean, I know the government has an unblemished record in handling our tax money but it still seems like a pretty big chunk of change to just throw out there.

Beyond the giveaway, there is the other issue of rewarding all of the bad behavior that lead the financial market to where it stands today. I have heard of giving a “mulligan” before but not one worth $700 billion. Where is the incentive for banks and lenders to not do exactly the same thing again with this new influx of money they will have with their debt load now removed? Why would anyone think that these same companies would proceed with any less greed and avarice than they already have?

Oh, because the government is going to be watching them. That makes me feel better. Of course, this is the same government that sat idly by as this whole ridiculous mess came to pass. The same government that fights incessantly over the most trivial items and doesn’t spend 5 minutes a day working on things that matter to me (like what are the odds I will be able to retire before I become McCain’s age?)

It is amazing to me the power that our government arbitrarily imposes over us. New Orleans? Yeah, we will get to fixing it up eventually. The war(s)? Very complicated so we had to move without waiting for the American public to voice their opinion. (Not that the government would give us enough information to make an honest assessment).

I guess that is my biggest problem with this latest proposal. Once again, I have to trust our leaders to protect my interests and do the right thing. They (both the left and right) have shown no interest in doing so in a long, long time. Of course, I don’t actually have to trust anyone because they will do whatever the hell they want to do anyway. This concept of “freedom” and participation is all very silly. We, the American people, have no say in any of this. 

Don’t get me wrong, none of this is new and living in America beats living anywhere else in the world by a mile. It is just this constant abuse that the public has taken recently without so much as an apology or a wilted rose to show remorse. Sure, we get the $1500 tax check to shut us up every once in awhile. (How awesome is it that the government feels it is doing us a favor by giving us our own money back?) But still, I feel abused and abandoned. Maybe Sarah can give to us men what John Edwards and Bill Clinton have been giving to female taxpayers for all of these years. Sure, it probably won’t be worth $7000 but at least she will probably remember our name the next morning.

(Ok…maybe she is worth 7 grand. VPILF indeed.)

EDIT: So, the good news is the vote failed. The bad news is that the common shareholder will continue to get pounded for the foreseeable future. However, the Wall Street high rollers are also taking it from behind and will have to actually work to get things back in order.

While the stock market plunge hurts like hell, I am still convinced that the bailout would have been worse. I feel terrible for those that are retired, or are about to retire, as they are being hit the hardest. Frankly, i hope the FBI investigates every last one of these guys. Plus, those in Congress that enabled this situation should be kicked to the curb. Good to see American say “enough is enough”. Or, as Max Schumacher would say, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

(By the way, does this mean McCain’s campaign is suspended again? It worked pretty good the first time).

What’s The Deal With Goodwill?

September 29, 2008

I work in a fairly affluent community. Recently, Goodwill opened a store just down the road from my office. This was confusing to me because I always thought that Goodwill’s primary job was to help the disadvantaged.

I know it used to be that way because, when I was a kid, a lot of my wardrobe would come from there. In those days, having “Goodwill” clothes was not a cool thing to have…kind of like shopping with food stamps. Both were necessary but embarrassing. Having said that, I was thankful they existed because at least I had something to wear and food to eat.

So now I drive by my local Goodwill and see the parking lot full of SUV’s and Volvo’s. When did Volvo Driving Soccer Moms (VDSM’s) become part of the disadvantaged community? Why in the world would you put a Goodwill store in one of the most advantaged neighborhoods in the first place? These people don’t need cheap clothes. Sure, they will take them if you give them to you because they are nothing but greedy, lipstick wearing pigs.

It annoys me that we give our clothes to Goodwill with the inherent understanding that we just might be helping some people down on their luck. People just like me when I was a kid. Not for VDSM’s so they can brag to their cackling hag friends about what a great deal they got on some article of clothing.

First, these people should be embarassed that they are taking advantage of the system. Importantly, however, shame on Goodwill for putting a brand new store in such a stupid location. It might be better for sales and profit but it bastardizes the entire concept of the program. There are a ton of needy people out there and, generally speaking, they are not driving high end vehicles. In fact, they are not driving anything and have no way to get to this store. (Nor are they killing time between getting their Brazilian wax and tanning session).

Greedy people – Keep your butt out of the store and stop leaching off of the “goodwill” of others.

Goodwill – Put your stores where there is a need. If you wanted to build a drop off center here, fine. But to let these vultures take goods that should have gone to the needy is flat out wrong. I know you have a great core message but please, get yourself back on track.

EDIT: I have been told by some very well off people that it is perfectly ok to shop at Goodwill. Fine. Why stop there? I hear you can get some free soup downtown. Load up the fam in the SUV and head on down! Want to say some cash on groceries? Head down to Crackville and offer 50 cents on the dollar for food stamps. (This way, they can buy booze and smokes). Just think of all the money will you be saving that you can then spend at Goodwill.

Jesus would be so proud of you.

Why Do Rich People Drive While Impaired?

September 29, 2008

And yet another celebrity gets busted for driving under the influence. This time, it was Heather Locklear. (By the way, doesn’t Heather look great in her mug shot, even with the raccoon eyes? She just turned 47. Talk about a MILF). I don’t know for sure but I bet that Heather is loaded with cash. Which begs the question, “Why the hell are you driving?”

I just don’t get it. I don’t even like driving while sober. You can rest assured that if I had the cash, I would have someone drive me anywhere I needed to go. Need to hit Taco Bell? Get the driver. This seems like a really easy solution to a never ending problem yet, for some reason, it doesn’t happen.

You might think, “well, if they are impaired, that is why they show poor judgement.” True, but the other thing that rich folks have is an “assistant”. You know, the gofer that meets every whim they have. Need some Chunky Monkey at 4 in the morning? Have the assistant do it. So, in my mind, if the assistant is worth a damn, they will prevent the stupidity from happening.

I do understand that a complete nut ball like Mel Gibson just can’t be stopped. Even if you tried to stop him, you would have to listen to his “I hate the Jews” speech and who wants to put up with that…again? But Heather Locklear? She seems so nice. Plus, she used to be a cop on TJ Hooker so she knows the law better than the average citizen. (By the way, if all cops looked like Heather Locklear, the streets would be full of criminals and drunk drivers). Hell, William Shatner is a way bigger drunk and you don’t see him driving around.

I guess the fact that Heather is still alive at 47 after having dated Tom Cruise and Scott Baio is quite the accomplishment in and of itself. (Tommy Lee probably didn’t help the cause either). I just don’t understand why she doesn’t have a chauffeur to drive her around. I have no beef if she wants to load up on Percocet or Darvon and cruise around…Just don’t get behind the wheel.

And you professional athletes, same goes for you and strippers. Stop going to the clubs! Rent a floor at a hotel and have your fun there. You know you are going to get shot, beat or stabbed when you leave the club so why bother? Only Mike Tyson should be hitting the clubs anymore. Everyone knows he is crazy and broke so no one will bother him. He is the new Leon Spinks. (I always loved Leon).

Worst case scenario, call me and I will drive you around. I can’t promise I won’t forget to pick you up because my memory isn’t as good as it used to be. But who cares? I will have your car so you won’t be able to get in trouble anyway. (This offer does not apply to Mel Gibson, Carrot Top or Paris Hilton. I don’t want to sit on her seats… Ewwww)

Presidential Debate # 1

September 27, 2008

The biggest thing I remember about last night’s debate was how much trouble I was having staying awake. McCain and Obama were both making me incredibly sleepy. I am not sure if it was their tone or lack of enthusiasm but it was like reading a bad book. Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy…

Anyway, here are some things that I did manage to remember. First, how come Mac never looked at Rack? Due to John’s age, my guess is he is afraid to look at black people directly in the eye. It would have been funny if Obama had done a fake lunge at Mac. He would have filled his Depends in the blink of an eye.

As far as Obama goes, when did he first get this stuttering impediment that kept popping up? If I had a nickel for every time he said “and”, I would loan it to the feds and solve the financial crisis today. (Not really. I would keep the money and buy an island somewhere…maybe Great Britain). Plus, stop shaking your head and smirking! People hated it when Gore did it and we still hate it. Knock it off!

Overall, I guess I was just bored with the constant jabbing. Obama should have said, “What constitutes winning in Iraq? You keep saying we can’t afford to lose but how will we know that we have won?” On the other hand, McCain should have looked the half black man in the eye and said, “Why do you vote ‘present’ so often? Have you ever made a gut decision in your life like I so often had to when fighting for my country and my life in Viet Nam?”  

But no, they just gibber jabbered with each other endlessly. Both afraid to offend anyone or throw out something truly unique are creative. Both trying their hardest to play for a tie rather then beat the crap out of the other guy. I did think it was funny when they were comparing wrist bands. McCain: “I have a wrist band.” Obama: “I have a wrist band too!” Pathetic. Gee, I can hardly wait for the next 2 riveting debates.

The other big thing that struck me about last night was after the debate. On every channel I flipped to, Joe Biden was showing up throwing bombs at McCain. After he was done, every announcer would say the same thing. “We invited Governor Palin to join us but she declined.” WTF? She can’t even be trusted to give a 2 minute wrap up to the debate talking about how well she thought her guy did?

I know that, in general, Republicans think as little of women as does the Catholic Church. Still, you guys picked her to be on your team! She can’t sit on the bench forever. The party is making her look like a complete imbecile. She is a nervous wreck when they do let her answer questions because she is scared to death to screw up. She made it to Governor. Seriously, how bad could it be?

I finally did track down Sarah at an Irish pub in Philly

OMG! Look! She was even rocking the hair down, casual look! How could you guys not let her go on TV? Idiots, every last one of them. I hope to God that if McCain loses, Sarah gets a talk show and then they can see what a huge mistake they made by keeping her in the back seat. Republican women…where the hell are you? Oh, that’s right, walking 4 steps behind your man or baking cookies. Wait, you’re not? Then tell McCain to take the shackles off and let our girl fly!

Happy Birthday Danny!

September 26, 2008

As most of you know, I am happy to take requests here because it means someone besides me actually reads this crap. So, here is a little ditty that SD requested for her husband Danny.

Danny is a retired Navy man. Now, I understand your first thought will be, “you just said SD was a ‘her’. If Danny was in the Navy, then he was probably gay. What gives?” First, shame on you for thinking all men and women in the Navy are gay. That is simply not true…it is only about 50% from what I read on the Internet.

Now, I am not saying that Danny wasn’t exploring his sexuality when he first joined. After all, he saw this and thought it was a recruiting video, which he why he joined.

As you can see, the first guy in the video is wearing those sexy, white bell bottoms that the Navy people wear. How could Danny resist? (Good thing the Indian guy wasn’t first. Danny would make a terrible Indian).

Anyway, Danny joined and served this country gallantly for a long time. I believe by the end of his career, he was a General…or something. I understand he was in charge of a big bunch of boats. (They don’t call them “boats” in the Navy, they call them “yachts”).

My understanding is that once Danny got out of the military, he met SD. SD, being a good Christian, was able to pray the remaining gay out of Danny and then they got married. Danny still has a flair for style but in a masculine way. He is much less Carson Kressley-like these days and has become much more masculine, kind of like Rosie O’Donnell.  

Anyway Danny, I don’t know what disco club or leather bar you will be hitting tonight but I wanted to thank you for your service to our country and wish you the happiest of birthdays! You go girl boy!!!

Charges For Passing Gas Stink

September 25, 2008

Poor Jose Cruz. He was already busted for driving without his headlights on and possibly being drunk. He was truly having a really bad day. Remarkably, the day turned from bad to worse with the simple lifting of one butt cheek.

You see, Jose had the misfortune of passing gas at the police station in the presence of aroma specialist, Patrolman T.E. Parsons. And this was not just ordinary, run of the mill gas. No, this gas was deemed to be “very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons”. Poor Officer Parsons. Obviously, he had never been given the “dutch oven” treatment in his life or shared a tent or bedroom with other males. (Maybe the other officers will take up a collection to get him a gas mask). 

I generally fully support law enforcement because it is a difficult and thankless job. But charging a guy for farting? Really? Now, to be fair, the complaint did say that Jose had moved his chaired and “fanned” the gas at the officer but, still, this is beyond silly. What if Jose also had bad breath? That could also meet the criteria of “very odorous” and “create contact of an insulting nature”.

But, hey, why stop there? I have worked with plenty of people in my life that have terrible body odor. Can we lock them up alongside Jose? What about stinky feet? The world is full of those people. We would have to build new prisons in every county to lock all of these folks up.

It is clear to me that Jose was ticking off the cops for whatever reason. Fair enough. Instead of making up some ridiculous charge why not give him a few jolts with the Taser gun? Or, if you want to go more old school, just punch him in his melon. That will shut him up.

The lesson here is, if you must pass gas, do it in a crowded area and quickly blame someone else.

(I wonder if Jose had the officer pull his finger first?)

EDIT: Turns out the charges have been dropped by the prosecutor’s office. Maybe they were having trouble collecting evidence?

McCain and Obama – Thanks For Nothing

September 25, 2008

C’mon John. You really can’t campaign and do other things? Essentially, you are saying that for the last two years while you have been campaigning, you have been doing pretty much nothing to fulfill your role as Senator? That is just silly. Again, every time i try to give you the benefit of doubt, you do something stupid like this. If you can’t walk and chew gum, I am pretty sure you are disqualified to be President. (Although, I have heard that Cheney chewed the gum while Bush walked during that test).

So that must mean I think more of Obama, yes? Not really. He is going to sign off on this absolutely ridiculous, foul, wrong, illegal bailout. I don’t know what is so hard to understand here. Either way, the average American has been getting pummeled and will continue to get pummeled. This is all about protecting the upper crust of our society. This loan does nothing more than cover the interest payment (or, in this case, vig). The core problems still exist and will not go away in short order.

Sure, this just might lessen the pain a little short term but it will also extend it indefinitely. The average college student will already leave college with a debt load of around 50 to 100k (for an in state school). They will also have probably followed the spending habits of their parents and have a nice chunk of credit card debt. How in the world, as a new taxpayer, are they going to be able to shoulder this burden?

This is our government at its most cynical and distasteful. There is no voice of reason nor will anyone ride in at the last moment and save the day. The sheer arrogance of it all is mind boggling. I suppose, in the end, it is the fault of the average US citizen for turning a blind eye to all of this for the last 20 to 30 years. While we were consoling ourselves with baubles, the horses left the barn…and then it was burned to the ground.

The religious seem to see evil as some sort of spirit or other worldly being. I would suggest that the truly evil are those that would sacrifice the well being of others for their own gain. And you know what? They don’t care. They have all convinced themselves that the average citizen (lemming) is so out of touch and clueless, that they are the chosen ones to deliver us to the promise land. I don’t think their is a more delusional group than politicians (other than TV evangelists).

So, I am sure we will hear later today that the biggest bailout in the history of the planet has been passed. The people that robbed the bank and spent all the money are now being given more money to open a new bank. What a beautiful country this is! And by the way, you small (and medium) business owners…you don’t get a dime of this. Times tough for you? Too bad, get over it.

U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!

(We see you hiding Kennedy, Graham, Bayh, Brownback, Casey and all of the rest of you. Don’t want to get this stink on you, do you?)

Clay Aiken Is Gay? Not For Long!

September 24, 2008

First, can I say how absolutely shocked I am to find out Clay is gay. When I think of a “man’s man”, I think of Paul Newman, Motorhead, Clint Eastwood and Clay Aiken. Granted, I don’t have much of a gaydar so it is possible that I missed something.

While I have nothing against being gay, I have learned recently (from a church in Alaska) that we can pray the gay right out of Clay. I am not sure if we will need a Ouija board or any other special tools but I think it can be done. The prayer would be something like, “Dear Jesus, tell Clay to quit being gay. Thank you”. Again, I am no expert but I think that will work.

Now some of you may wonder why we need to pray the gay out of Clay. I think it is because being gay means he will burn in an eternal hell. Plus, lots of religious folks will be out the money they spent on his CD’s. (You can’t have “gay” music in a Christian house. It may spread the gay).

Hopefully, if we all join together, we can make Clay straight again. Ok, not really “again” since I suspect Clay has never seen a day of “straight” in his life. Once we are done fixing Clay, we can help all of the other celebrities out there that also need to be fixed. (I think we should start with George Clooney). Then we will be a big happy straight world where wars will stop and people will all love each other again. Sure, Sen. Larry Craig will have nothing left to do in the men’s room but that is the price that needs to be paid.

So look out you gay people. Me, Jesus and a lot of my loving, gentle, non-judgmental, all forgiving Christian friends are going to hunt you down and pray the gay right out of you!

(Reminds me of that commercial – “I’m gonna wash that gay right out of my hair, I’m gonna wash that gay right out of my hair.” I never did understand exactly what that meant).