Like all of you, I was terribly excited to hear someone had finally found Bigfoot. Not just saw one or had a blurry picture but had the real deal. Finally, all of those people that mocked us believers would be shown the truth!
I followed with great anticipation as two researchers paid the guys that found Bigfoot an undisclosed amount of money for the corpse. I hope it was a lot of money because, after all, Bigfoot is priceless! (I wish they would have put Bigfoot up for bid on Ebay so I would have had a shot of maybe buying a Bigfoot toe, or something).
It apparently took the researchers several hours to thaw and perform tests on the body. First, they burned the hair. I guess this was a test to see if the burning hair smelled like burning hair. I would have probably run that test, too. Anyway, the hair melted so they got off to a poor start.
After some more thawing, they found a shocking secret…the feet were made of rubber! In fact, it turns out, the vast majority of Bigfoot was apparently made of rubber. Like many of you, my heart sank when I heard this news. Once again, us true believers were victimized by those who seem to take some form of perverted glee in pulling off these pranks.
Although I am disappointed, I will not be dissuaded. Bigfoot is not some silly hoax like Dinosaurs and a man landing on the moon. No sir. Bigfoot is the real deal. You know it and I know it. So here is my vow to you:
If I have to follow him to the gates of hell, I’ll get Bigfoot!