Initially, I wanted to write about how annoyed I was that a flight attendant was suing Mrs. Osteen for around $400,000. Allegedly, she was shoved and elbowed in the boob. As anyone with knowledge of the law knows, an elbow to the boob is rarely worth more than $1000. (Unless it is a famous boob like Janet Jackson or Jack Black). This lawsuit seemed frivolous and an obvious effort to take advantage of the Osteen estate.
But as I started reading more about Victoria Osteen, it became obvious to me that she might very well be the Antichrist. I know this may sound like sacrilege and probably comes as a complete shock but let’s look at the facts.
First, as you can see from the photo above, she has devil eyes. It looks like she was probably trying to cast a spell on the jurors when this photo was snapped. Second, Victoria’s middle name “Iloff” means “blond haired daughter of you know who” in Muslim. I know…hard to believe. Thirdly, the reason she would not sit in the damp seat on the airplane is because she did not want to get her devil tail wet. (This was pointed out by fellow passenger Cletus Druncass).
But then I started reading about her husband Joel and also found out some interesting stuff. He has two middle names which just reeks of something evil. And, oh, by the way, he has 6 letters in his last name. Plus, he was one of six children. (See where I am headed with this?) And the clincher is he has 6 toes on his left foot. (Little known fact I learned on the Internet).
So, after my exhaustive research, I can say with some certainty that either Victoria or Joel Osteen is probably the Antichrist. True, Barack Obama and Tom Cruise are still in the hunt but I am putting my money on Vicky. I hope I have not offended anyone but I am just trying to do my civic duty. Plus, I am pretty confidant that with a hefty donation to the Lakewood Church, I will be completely absolved of my sins. (Everyone knows that Jesus wants his preachers flush with cash so they can flash the bling).
Due to this new information, I am removing my previous Antichrist candidates. Oprah, Dick Cheney, that cackling hag from So You Think You Can Dance and Fabio are now off of the list. (OK, not Cheney).
Carlin better have been right about God or I am so screwed.