Sarah Palin Kills Yogi Bear and Rudolph

August 31, 2008

As my research continues on Sarah Palin, I have discovered that it seems Sarah is a bit of a celebrity animal killer. I know this is hard to believe but, as we all know, the Internet does not lie. 

First, it was Yogi Bear. This is somewhat understandable because, frankly, Yogi can be very annoying and is a bit of a kleptomaniac. I have personally had my “pic-a-nic” basket lifted by Yogi. (However, I still love Boo Boo).

But how can you possibly explain the death of Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer? Everyone loves Rudolph and, in my opinion, Sarah has crossed the line. (My Internet resources also tell me that Vixen, Comet and Cupid are reported missing or in hiding). I have photo evidence of this atrocities. (Viewer warning – these images may be disturbing)

How such a seemingly nice “hockey mom” can be such a ruthless killer is hard to fathom. Something clearly happened in her life that sent her over the edge. Although this is unfounded, I think I might have the answer.

After Sarah had her 3rd child, Damian, she also happened to stumble across some baby gophers. (Gophers are probably everywhere in Alaska). Since she was already breastfeeding Damian, she also started nursing these gophers. It was wonderful and Sarah even took to wearing the gophers out in public. (See photo below).

Shortly after this photo was taken, the gophers bit Sarah in the boob and that seemingly flipped a switch in her brain. Since then she has been on a hunting spree unmatched even by Dick Cheney (who, don’t forget, also hunts humans).

Will Sarah’s lust for animals continue? It is unknown but don’t be surprised if the Easter Bunny is nowhere to be found next spring.

Sarah Palin Nude? She Will Be Soon

August 30, 2008

Well, you knew this was coming. This is one of the more tame photo’s that has popped up today showing Sarah. If the Republicans thought that men in America would handle this selection with any maturity, they were sadly mistaken.

For Christ’s sake, John. Have you never watched a porn movie in your life? There is a whole genre devoted to the “dirty” librarian wearing glasses with her hair pulled up. The only good thing that is going to come out of this is that the use of Kleenex tissues is going to skyrocket. (Note to self…buy stock in whatever company makes Kleenex).

Then we find out that she likes to hunt and fish. Plus, she loves to eat moose meat (insert joke here). That is going to pull in the whole “Deliverance” gang who will now dump Wonder Woman to amuse / abuse themselves using Sarah pictures. Which, by the way, is a truly disgusting thought. (Another note to self…double the stock order).

Sarah, here is some advice. First, go get your hair done by Hillary’s stylist…that kind of man-bob thing that she wears. Next, lose the glasses and switch to contacts. Some sort of dull color if they have it. Also, stop painting your lips with that “come hither” ruby red lipstick. Even hookers don’t wear that stuff anymore. And finally, start pounding down Twinkies and Ho-Ho’s. (On second thought, don’t touch anything that has the word “Ho” in it). Use Pop Tarts instead. (Dammit, don’t touch the Tarts either). Just eat junk food and bulk up to about 250.

If you follow my advice, you might have a chance. Good luck. (Worst case scenario, sign a deal with Hef for his “Moms in Alaska” pictorial).

One last thing. I swear to God that I never, ever thought I would see the acronym VPILF. (Sure, Cheney is hot in his own way but still…)

Sarah Palin? WTF?

August 29, 2008

My head is really starting to hurt. All I have heard from McCain is that Obama is too young and inexperienced and black to be president. (He whispered the black part). This was a reasonable argument as being the POTUS is not the kind of job that lends itself to on the job training. You need to be ready on day 1 since you never know what will happen. (The 3am call).

McCain’s VP was important because any day now McCain might just turn to dust and disintegrate. His VP has a very real chance to be the next president. So, who does he pick? The young and inexperienced and female (he whispered female) Tina Fey…I mean Sarah Palin.

Look, I know John likes the hotties but this is too much. Is this an attempt to capture the Hillary voters? John, you are missing the point. Women like Hillary because she is a man trapped in (barely) a woman’s body. She is the American Margaret Thatcher…hard as nails. Do you really think women want a Barbie leading their country? It has nothing to do with her brains and ability. We are a nation that measures people by their looks, for better or worse.

Men, being the pigs that we are, will warm up to Tina / Sarah because…well…we’re pigs. She is pretty and that (or shiney keys) pretty much captures our attention. Women are much more cynical about these things. I hope Tina / Sarah knows what she just walked into. You may hate Hillary but she has an extensive record and her voters are not going to be easily swayed.

There is also the issue of McCain’s stump speech needing to be changed. It will now have to read:

“My friends, Senator Obama is too young and experienced and black to be the President of the United States”. (I guess that will still work in most places).


August 28, 2008

When I was a youngster, my dad would have me spray ants around our house with Chlordane. (At the time, it was just ant killer to me). I had no idea what was in it but it seemed to do a good job and it is always fun to kill ants. That was in the 70’s but the product had been around since the late ’40’s. In 1983, the EPA decided that maybe Chlordane really wasn’t such a great thing for the environment or humans. By 1988, they had completely banned it.

So the next popular insecticide I got to use was Dursban. This was from a different family of chemicals and was supposed to be less toxic and able to break down in the environment more quickly. All was right with the world until about 2000 when the EPA said, “Um…about that Dursban you have been using, you probably should stop”. (Or words to that effect).

Next on the list was Dylox, a very common insect control primarily used for grub control. In June of this year, the NIH released a study that frequent users of Dylox were up to twice as likely to develop Type II Diabetes. (If I am going to get Type II Diabetes, I want to earn it the old fashioned way by eating sugar all day and lounging on my couch).

Hello!?! EPA! Are you out there? Thanks for keeping the millions of users of these products safe. Way to be ahead of the curve on all of this. Interestingly, European countries seem to know all of this stuff well before we do. They have been blistering Monsanto about Round Up ready crops for years. Thank God that Monsanto has the deep pockets to keep the machine moving forward.

The latest kick in the sack is Imidacloprid (mostly known as Merit and used for preventative grub control) being partially banned in France and Germany for possibly being related to the collapse of honey bee populations. Fortunately, the manufacture of Imidacloprid , Bayer, did a bunch of studies and said there was nothing to the complaints. That makes me feel better.

Again, where is the EPA on all of this stuff? I realize they are up to their necks in lawsuits over various issues and have to deal with a variety of subjects but can’t they help a brother get a safe product to kill unwanted bugs in my lawn?

(And no, tree huggers, don’t start in on me about not having a lawn. America is Chevy, apple pie, a nice looking lawn, PBR and big fake boobs). God bless America!

Raise The Drinking Age?

August 27, 2008

Did 100 university leaders really say they wanted to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18? I wonder what that is all about? Usually, anytime someone wants to change something it is due to the fact that there is a profit to be made.

My guess is that these universities, by being able to sell alcohol to their students at sporting events, for instance, stand to make a handsome profit in an area that they are currently being shut out. It would seem, apparently, the ridiculous money they already make from gouging students is just not quite enough to make ends meet. For extra cash, they can also start selling drinking paraphernalia alongside the booze in the campus bookstore. Does anyone honestly believe they are doing it for the good of the kids? Please.

Next will be the high schools saying that, “since many of our students are over 18, we should provide PBR and Coors Lite in our vending machines.” Since grade school kids can’t get booze, maybe the school could give them a discount on glue sticks. After all, a buzz is a buzz. Is there anything we won’t do as a society to make a buck?

Ignoring the money for a moment, the hypocricy of “adults” waving their collective fingers at the young folks for drinking beer or smoking a joint and the horrible ramifications of doing so, is ridiculous.  How can that argument even be made with a straight face as you are loading up on Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, caffeine, nicotine and any other legal mood altering drug? Pot…meet kettle.

I would offer an opinion on 18 vs. 21 but I am too drunk. Plus, my Paxil is giving me a headache so I will need some Oxycodone to smooth out.

The Ever Widening American Dream

August 25, 2008

As I was sitting here eating some Nutter Butter’s, I kept thinking to myself, “Those China people sure are a skinny group”. Honestly, I could not remember seeing any Chinese butterballs strolling around outside or in the stands during the Olympics. Kind of the opposite of what you see at an NFL or NASCAR event.

A recent study says that 2/3’s of Americans are either overweight or obese with the worst offenders being in the poorest states. Now I know that the Chinese have a huge number of people that are broke as fools so how come they are not fat but Uncle Lester from Alabama is? I snacked on a few Double Stuffed Oreo cookies as I pondered this question.

The Chinese are probably much more active than their American counterparts due to the lack of vehicles. Still, even those that live in urban Chinese areas and do drive seem to be thin. And they are definitely not working the rice fields. I was really struggling with a solution so I downed a few Twinkies as I kicked my brain into second gear.

I know that Chinese food is supposed to be fattening so everything the Chinese eat is, by definition, Chinese food. How can they be healthy eating pork fried rice, sweet and sour chicken, orange beef and twice fried pork? This was going to take some investigating and Internet surfing so I carb loaded with a peanut butter and bacon bits sandwich downed by a Large Gulp of Coke to stay alert.

What I found out was disappointing. It turns out that a typical Chinese breakfast consists of congee, a thin rice porridge. This sounded disgusting so I ate a Pop Tart to get the taste out of my mouth. Lunch would be rice with vegetables. That sounded better. Dinner would be different vegetables or tofu plus a little meat. Just the word “tofu” makes me ill so I had a quart of vanilla ice cream to settle my stomach.

So, my investigation showed that we basically had the same diet, (except for tofu), consisting of meat and vegetables. Or, as we say in America, meat and potato’s. With diet not being a factor, I have come to the scientific conclusion that the Chinese are just genetically predisposed to being thin. The lucky bastards!

Well, I hope my learning’s were as valuable to you as they were to me. I am pretty exhausted so I will shoot by McD’s for a Double Big Mac and fries to stave off my hunger pangs and then watch some of The Biggest Loser. Ah, screw it. I am too tired to go out. Thank God for Domino’s.

Good Bye Olympics. Hello Political Conventions

August 24, 2008

After two weeks of the riveting Olympic sports of trampoline jumping and synchronized men’s diving (where I am told by women that some of the divers were “stuffing”), we now get to enjoy a week each of the Democratic and Republican conventions. Talk about your “must see” TV.

I was trying to convince myself that I should watch some of each convention to see what each team was putting forward. After all, the conventions are meant to be beauty pageants and put the best face on each party. Of course, before I could even start to make an argument for viewing these festivities, McCain and Pelosi had to both open their big mouths.

First, McCain starts with the comment about “not knowing how many homes he owns”. Really? Are you even trying, John? I understand if you don’t know how many shoes you own, tennis rackets you have or women you slept with as a war hero. Those are hard numbers to keep track of. But houses? My friends on the Internet tell me it is at least 10. You should have said, “I don’t know but it beats being a POW for 4 years”. You see how easy it would have been to get the plug in? (In case anyone in America still hadn’t heard that story).

Naturally, as soon as a Republican says something stupid, a Democrat feels compelled to jump on board. Nancy “I always have this terrified look on my face” Pelosi was on Meet the Press spewing the need for natural gas as an alternative fuel solution. After saying it several times, she was asked if there was a conflict of interest in her recently sinking 150k to 200k in natural gas companies. Indignantly, Pelosi replied, “It’s only 50k to 100k”. Really? You have so much money you don’t know the difference between 50k and 100k?

Again, I checked the Internet and found that Pelosi is said to be worth 25 million. That put the comment into perspective for me. She probably gave one of her minions 100k and said, “Get me some stocks in natural gas, a diamond necklace, a super sized tube of lipstick and a Kit-Kat bar”. Naturally, that could lead to some confusion as to how much was spent on each item.

As to the possible moral ramifications of investing into an energy source that you are going to approve legislation on? No problem, says Nancy. (I think she may be watching too many T Boone Pickens commercials). I swear to you that both she and McCain said all of this with a straight face.

I suppose I could go on about Obama picking Biden as his running mate and how it undercuts a huge amount of his campaign rhetoric but why bother? Both parties understand that their core constituencies so hate the opponent that no matter what stupid thing they say, they will still get those votes. If you had an election the day after Bill and Monica got it on with a cigar, he still would have got 40% of the vote.

Got to love those hard core left and right wing voters. It is probably good that they don’t actually risk crossing party lines. After all, who wants to be known as someone who “flip-flops” on their vote? God bless America.

My Squirrel

August 21, 2008

Well, it finally happened. My squirrel left home today. Now you may think, “Who cares? It’s just a squirrel.” But for me, this was a very special squirrel. She has lived at our home for many, many years. I even saw her being born! This was no ordinary squirrel but one that I have loved and cared for since I first saw her.

She is a beautiful squirrel and very smart! She giggles, if you can believe it, and that always makes me feel good inside. I know the other members of her family loved her deeply too. I suspect they have the same feelings as I do.

Now, pragmatically, I realize that at some point, all squirrels move on and try to make a life for themselves. It is perfectly normal and we have all had to go out on our own in our lives. So, I also feel excitement for my squirrel. It’s a big world out there and who knows what kind of adventures await her. Because she is a unique squirrel, there really are no boundaries for her. Pretty heady stuff, even for a young squirrel.

I know this will sound odd but I love my squirrel dearly. I wish her nothing but the best and our home will always be open to her if she should decide to come back…even for a little bit. I am a better person for knowing her and I appreciate all of the things, big and small, that she has brought into my life.

See you soon squirrel, I love you.

Bigfoot – False Alarm

August 19, 2008

Like all of you, I was terribly excited to hear someone had finally found Bigfoot. Not just saw one or had a blurry picture but had the real deal. Finally, all of those people that mocked us believers would be shown the truth!

I followed with great anticipation as two researchers paid the guys that found Bigfoot an undisclosed amount of money for the corpse. I hope it was a lot of money because, after all, Bigfoot is priceless! (I wish they would have put Bigfoot up for bid on Ebay so I would have had a shot of maybe buying a Bigfoot toe, or something).

It apparently took the researchers several hours to thaw and perform tests on the body. First, they burned the hair. I guess this was a test to see if the burning hair smelled like burning hair. I would have probably run that test, too. Anyway, the hair melted so they got off to a poor start.

After some more thawing, they found a shocking secret…the feet were made of rubber! In fact, it turns out, the vast majority of Bigfoot was apparently made of rubber. Like many of you, my heart sank when I heard this news. Once again, us true believers were victimized by those who seem to take some form of perverted glee in pulling off these pranks.

Although I am disappointed, I will not be dissuaded. Bigfoot is not some silly hoax like Dinosaurs and a man landing on the moon. No sir. Bigfoot is the real deal. You know it and I know it. So here is my vow to you:

If I have to follow him to the gates of hell, I’ll get Bigfoot!

Lock And Load!

August 18, 2008

The good folks at the Harrold Independent School District in Texas have come up with a great way to protect their students. They have authorized their teachers to now carry handguns. Here is how Superintendent David Thweatt explained it:

“We have a lock-down situation, we have cameras, but the question we had to answer is, ‘What if somebody gets in? What are we going to do?” he said. “It’s just common sense.”

Common sense indeed. Apparently, this district with about 110 students has decided to handle their paranoia the Rambo way…shoot first and ask questions later. This is probably a brilliant idea except for the fact that the same gun that the teacher is carrying will likely be used against the students. Anyone that breaks into that school now has a list that looks like list:

kill students

kill teachers, take their guns

kill students

I appreciate the thought here. I commend the district for trying to protect their children. They could even take it a step further. Teachers should also have bombs. That way they can blow up a terrorist’s bomb before the terrorists have a chance to detonate it. That, my friends, is truly forward thinking.

Or they can try this. Lock the doors then pool all of your gun money together and hire an armed guard. With 110 students, he can walk between the 4 classrooms about every 12 seconds. That should do the trick. (Don’t get an old guard though, he might fall asleep on the job).

I totally understand the desire to protect children. It would be horrible to know that you could have prevented something from happening to them but didn’t do it. By the same token, how horrible will it be for the teacher that owns a gun that is used against his or her own student?

As the great poet Rodney King said, “Can’t we all just get along?”