If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

Just think of all of the wonderful things she would have already accomplished in her first week.

• She would have abolished same sex marriage in the entire world
• She would have made sure that only creationism was taught in all schools
• She would have funded sex education…as long as it consisted only of abstinence
• She would have banned abortion, except for unwed teen mothers. (She’s not gonna let that happen again!)
• She would have given every American a rifle
• She would have drilled, baby, drilled. Even in places like Los Angeles and New York City. (You have to look everywhere).
• She would have bombed Russia because she is sick of looking at it and it ruins the view from her kitchen
• She would have mandated that all women wear black or red pumps every day
• She would have made English the second language to her native Alaskan / Caucasian-onics (Kind of like Ebonics but reversed)
• She would have mandated all newspapers have more pictures and less words

And the list goes on. We would be living in the most awesome-est country in the world if Sarah were VPILF. How could she have done all of this if she were only the VP? Simple, McCain died like 3 months ago. It was too late to get another candidate so they just propped his body up for awhile.

For me, the best part would be just bathing in her majestic awesomeness. Seeing her on TV everyday would be exciting. What color pumps will she be wearing? What color lipstick? Hair up or hair down? Knee high or upper calf length skirt? Everyday would be a mystery and people would be overcome with anticipation awaiting the results. Look at her splendor once again:

Look how she even matches the flowers of her lapel with then ones in the background. Do you think that Joe Biden has that kind of savoir faire? I think not. And, let’s be honest…we haven’t seen that kind of magnificent hair since the days of Farrah Fawcett. (Who, by the way, did not really age terribly well).

(Although she probably still holds the record for most ridiculous looking celebrity “erasers”)

No, instead of electing the American Lady Di, we had to go for Barry just so we can now say, “See? We are not racist anymore”. What a load of hooey. If we really were not racist, we would have already elected Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or that token black Republican guy they trot out every once in awhile, Alan Keyes. Hell, even the entertainers at the inauguration were primarily light skinned African Americans. Where was Snoop, Lil Scrappy, C-BO, Brotha Lynch Hung, 40 Cal and all of the real artists? Beyonce? Puh-leeze.

America should have voted with their hearts…not their brains. (Or, for men, their ding-dings). The good news is all is not lost. In 2012, Sarah will be back and with God’s grace and a good plastic surgeon, look better than ever. Then we can finally rejoice and get some real change! (Ladies, might as well start getting your high heel collection started now).

Sarah Palin – Still Not Really A Big Fan Of Animals

As has been pointed out many times, Sarah spends most of her “non governing” time killing animals. This is not really a big deal since it would seem that Alaska is simply overrun with a variety of critters.

Even when Sarah has to do some sort of “token” animal loving ceremony, she is still able to send a not so subtle message about how she feels about animals. Recently, she did the “pardon” a turkey thing, which I guess most governors do. Seems like a stupid ceremony but that is not the issue.

If you have seen the video, it is interesting to watch Sarah recoil at the thought of even touching the turkey. She did so because, bless her heart, she is a maverick. However, you could easily see the rage building in her eyes. Shortly after the pardon, she continued the live interview outside to talk about the experience. Here is a snapshot of the event. (The video is easily found on YouTube).

The first thing that struck me about this photo is that it looks like she is drinking Starbucks coffee. Since when did hockey moms start buying big shot, Hollywood coffee? Wasilla to Sarah…let’s dial it down a little, honey.

The next thing you will notice is the creepy guy in the background and the turkey upside down in some sort of ”Saw 5″ turkey killing grinder. Is this how turkeys are really killed? Shoved upside down and then having their heads ground into pulp? Don’t they have electricity in Alaska? And where the hell is PETA on this one? I am pretty sure the appropriate way to kill a turkey is to tie them together, two at a time by their tail feathers, then throw them over a clotheslines. They then fight to the death. (Or maybe I am thinking of kitties?)

Anyway, while Sarah is moving her luscious lips and saying a bunch of words that end with an apostrophe, the Hannibal Lecter of turkey farms grinds up 2 or 3 turkeys…all the while looking back at the camera and smiling. Do you think that Sarah didn’t realize what was happening here? Of course she did! She was sending a message loud and clear to turkeys all over the world, “Fu** with me, and I will grind your head to a stump”. She even makes Dick Cheney nervous.

I would also like to point out that, even in the midst of the massacre, Sarah still looks smoking hot. She may not be the new VPILF, but she will still rule the world…someday. I can’t wait!

Are Alaskans As Stupid As They Seem To Be?

And I am asking this question in the nicest way possible. Believe me, I completely understand voting to make Sarah Palin the governor. If I lived in Alaska, I would have voted for her as well. Screw whether Africa is a continent or country…who cares? They are foreigners! We have to look out for our own needs first. Sarah gets this, that’s why she doesn’t spend a second of her time worrying about international crap.

And let’s just be honest. Is there anyone that is more American than Sarah? I think not.

(See more beautiful pics at pullinforpalin.com. I LOVE that site).

So, if I love Sarah, why do I think Alaskans might be stupid? Two words…Ted Stevens. I understand that he has brought Alaska a lot of money over the years and the money he was ‘stealing” was from a private firm. However, he is now a convicted felon! How could half of the state vote for a guy that is going to be a prison bitch? Plus, he makes McCain look like a sexy teenager. Stevens was on LBJ’s staff. You remember LBJ, don’t you? Yeah, he’s the dead guy. Dead a long time ago.

Backing a felon is just not cool. Except for maybe a professional sports hero like OJ Simpson or Michael Vick. I could probably understand supporting those 2 guys. (Both railroaded by the white man). Those who voted for Stevens just end up looking like this guy.

 

(And if you don’t get what I was going for, you really need to consider night classes).

So, my dear Eskimo friends, I am just going to assume that you were all drunk on whale blubber when you voted. Or, maybe in some odd way, you were so distraught over losing Sarah that you couldn’t stand the thought of losing Ted at the same time. But please, in the future, no more convicts! (By the way, does Orca still live in Alaska? I haven’t seen him in awhile).

I Hope You People Are Happy. You Made Sarah Sad.

Just look at her beautiful, sad face. How could you do this to our Sarah? You have broken our maverick and she may never be the same. Beating up on a hockey mom…you must be so proud of yourself.

As I look at the mesmerizing picture, I can see the painful thoughts racing through her mind.

“Son of a bit**! I really am going to have to go back to Alaska”

“Crap, no way they are going to let me keep these clothes now”

“But they will have to kill me to get my shoes!”

“So much for my new BFF, Cindy”

“Great, I get to go home and pound out more babies with Todd. Oh boy!” 

“Now I won’t be able to cancel that fat pig Oprah’s TV show. Darn it to heck”

“At least I can finally drop this cornball, fake accent.”

“If I look out of my window and see Putin in his drawers one more time, I’ll puke!”

“Wonder if it’s now ok to tell everyone I’m not Trigger’s real mom?”

I am sure she is pondering a bunch more deep thoughts but it hurts me too much to keep thinking about it. I am going to miss you, Sarah. Who will now make my loins all tingly since you are gone? (Besides, obviously, my wife).

Well, at least my tissue bills will now go down considerably. Sarah, can I make a small request? Could you kill a baby animal for me once you get home. Just like the good ole days?

(By the way, shame on you Indiana, Ohio and all of you other turncoats. How can you sleep at night? Traitors). Oh, and by the way, NO WAY IN HELL, Biden is a VPILF!

Palin Will Not Release Her Medical Records Before Election

Although Sarah’s campaign had committed to releasing these records twice in the last two weeks, it is clear now that it is not going to happen. What, if anything, does this mean? By looking at her, you would have to say she is the epitome of a healthy woman. Seems like releasing the records would be a no brainer.

However, the fact that she has chosen not to release them concerns me. It leads to a wide open array of possibilities and we are just left to guess…which I will now do. What if she has the herps or big flaming genital warts? My crush for her would be severely diminished. I am not saying I still wouldn’t “do it”, I would just not enjoy it as much knowing that her diseases were trying to infiltrate my love machine.

Maybe it is not nearly as tragic as that. Maybe she had her tubes tied several years ago and can’t let people know about it. That would make sense. She would have no way to cover her tracks on Barstool really being the mother of Trigger. I never understood why it should matter but I guess 2 kids by age 17 would seem a little “whore-ish” to certain people.

Or maybe her records show she had a few abortions along the way. I don’t think she believes in contraception, as we see from the route her daughter has taken, and a Governor can only lug so many kids around. She couldn’t let that info get out because the republican base would burn her at the stake.

She also might be a nut job that needs handfuls of meds to stay coherent on any given day. If this were the case, I would respect her even more. I don’t like people that are emotionally all over the place so having her stabilized by medication is a winner. (Especially when her “friend” is visiting each month. I know she is still regular due to her latest endorsement).

 

Maybe because she is a good athlete and hunter, she had her ding ding cut off when she was young and went from the name Bob to Sarah. This also would have a negative impact on my crush on her. Again, I would still do it but, man, I would feel really bad about myself after.

She may have also had other plastic surgery but I don’t know why she would feel compelled to hide it. Fake boobs, nose job, face lift, etc. is pretty run of the mill these days. Maybe when she was a hockey mom she took a puck to the mouth and has all fake teeth. Again, for men anyway, this could easily be construed as a positive.

In the end, my guess is that her failure to release the documents is much less sinister than people think. I am pretty sure that in Alaska they keep medical records with an Etch-a-Sketch so they probably just accidentally shook hers up and lost the records. It happens.

This message has been approved by the liberal, left wing, socialist friends of Tannerleah.

Sarah Palin Travels With Her Children And Looks Good Doing It.

Well, here come the haters…what a surprise. It was announced today that Sarah charged the State of Alaska for her children to travel with her. Also, it was reported that the RNC spent $150,000 on clothes, hair and makeup for the Governor.

Is this really an issue for anyone? Was she just supposed to leave her kids home alone? If she would have hired a babysitter, people would have complained about that as well. I support Sarah for putting her kids first and if the people of Alaska don’t like it, they shouldn’t have elected her. Oh, wait a minute, they aren’t the ones complaining. It is the freakin’ media, as usual.

Also, is it hard to understand that there is a fee for maintaining the ethereal beauty of the future VPILF? Do you think she just rolls out of bed looking gorgeous naturally? Of course not. Just like other 47 year old women, she needs a fair amount of spackle, spray paint, grout and wire to pull her look off. And what about her attire? Christ, her shoes alone probably took up about $100,000.

By the way, not to get off track, but did you see Sarah rocking the knee high boots the other day?

(I need to Photoshop the baby, Trigger, out of the picture for it to have real value).

Where was I? Oh yeah, this woman that is equal parts sunshine and angel perfume, should not be held down by the media elite. She is a maverick and mavericks need to look good. Do you think the Marlboro Man (also a maverick) didn’t have expenses? Of course he did. So, please, leave our girl alone.

Having said all of that, I do have one tiny concern. I saw this picture and I am not sure if Sarah is throwing gang signs or praising Satan.

From the look on her daughter’s face, I am going to guess she is using the “Satan rules” signal. Oh, screw it, who cares? If we have to put up with a little satanic worship and a few Ouija boards to get our gal in office, so be it. 4 years of McCain and then 8 years of President Palin. Woo-Hoo!

(Uh oh, I am getting all tingly in my pants again. Excuse me for a moment).

McCain Or Obama: Which Yard Sign Should I Believe?

Recently, I have seen more and more McCain/Palin and Obama/Biden signs going up in my neighborhood. What is the purpose of this effort? Are these homeowners trying to tell me who they are voting for? Under what possible scenario would I possibly give a crap about who someone else is voting for? Maybe it is supposed to work like this:

Me driving home – “Cause ya got to have faith – a – faith – a - faith”. God, if I was gay, I would definitely do George Michael. Hmm…look! Bob put a sign out that he is voting for McCain! I was going to vote for Obama but Bob is way smarter than me so I guess I will vote for McCain now. Thanks Bob!

Pretty ridiculous, eh? That whole paragraph is all just so much bull pucky. Here’s what I really would have been thinking.   

Me driving home – “Cause ya got to have faith – a – faith – a - faith”. God, if I was gay, I would definitely do George Michael. (Ok, this part was true). Hmm…look! Bob put a sign out that he is voting for McCain! What a vain, pompous ass Bob is. Who the fu** cares who is voting for? That guy is 2 IQ points away from being officially retarded. I bet McCain would be so pleased to see he is getting support from such a douche bag.”

That’s right, read my lips, I don’t care who you are voting for. Just like I already told you that I don’t care about your bumper stickers, I also don’t care about your lawn ornaments. If anything, it tells me who notto vote for since I know who all of the idiots in my neighborhood are. (Ok, I don’t really know any of my neighbors because I am anti-social but, if I did, I bet I could tell who the idiots are).

Look, I understand if you have a sign in your lawn for a Selectman, that just happens to be your 2nd cousin, that no one has ever heard of. I get that. But McCain / Obama? No thanks, I have a pretty good clue as to who they are and I don’t give a flying fig about who you support. I do appreciate that you think so little of me that you actually thought that a piece of cardboard with a name on it could sway my vote but it’s just not happening.

Keep your opinions to yourself…like I do.

Vote Sarah Palin / Susan Sarandon - The MILF, GILF, PILF and VPILF ticket.

Hey! Sarah Palin Isn’t The Only Babe. What About The Dems?

I was sent an e-mail this weekend suggesting that maybe i was showing the Republican ladies a little too much love. (Thanks BD). The gist of the message was that the Democrats also have some very attractive women on their side of the aisle as well. Fair enough.

Here, in a completely unbiased comparison, we will look at some Republican and Democratic ladies. Obviously, when it comes to Republican women, Sarah and Cindy are at the top of the list.

 

Granted, these two might be perceived as “hot”. But, to be fair, let’s show some equal love to the Dems. Here our a few of the contenders:

  

Hey now! Who says that all of the beauty resides on the Republican side? And here is my all time personal favorite:

Mmmm…Janet Reno. If you are a man and are not chopping wood, you need to see a doctor.

So, as you can see, the Democrats are equally represented when it comes to natural beauty. I am not sure but I believe Ms. Albright was also in several beauty contests and regularly won the “most likely to wear a wig” category. Something I am sure she is still very proud of to this day.

So, to my Democratic friends, my apologies for ignoring these handsome ladies. Obviously, they don’t need me to support them because their beauty is the stuff that inspires artists around the world. Sure, Sarah is what men would refer to as a 5 star MILf / VPILF. However, Hillary and Janet would not be ignored by us guys…they would be referred to as “2 baggers”. (Actually, Janet would deserve the very rare “3 bagger” title). If you are not familiar with these titles, trust me, they are good!

I hope you can see I have been fair and balanced in my comparison. Why? Because I am now, and will always be, a people person.

NSFS!!! (I am heading off to the bathroom with my Janet Reno photo album now. Have a nice day).

Sarah Palin: All American Woman

One of the many things that makes Sarah great is her willingness to be a hockey mom and Joe six pack all rolled into one. She looks great in a skirt and heels but looks equally comfortable in her cammo hunting gear. A true renaissance woman.

One thing I didn’t know about Sarah is that she is an avid cyclist. While we have all seen the hunting and fishing pictures, I have not seen anything to indicate how she stays fit. Is it aerobics, running, Pilates? Nope. This picture, taken when she was a little younger, tells me she loves to ride her bike:

 

I know you can’t see her face but I am telling you, the Internet does not lie. In an odd way, this might also explain why she has so many kids and why men love to vote for her.

I am Tannerleah. I am not really a misogynist but I am a maverick, and I approve this message.

Is Sarah Palin A Racist?

I caught a lot of flack about my blog on OJ Simpson recently. I was told, by some, that if I felt that way about him, I must be black. That struck me as a racist comment. So, naturally, it got me thinking about people that might also be considered racist based on little evidence. This lead me to ask the question above about Sarah.

Now, I only ask because a couple of times Sarah has gone way out of her way to talk about a gay friend that she has known for many, many years. As we all know, you say things like that so it leads to the assumption that, since you allegedly like one gay person, you are probably ok with all gay people.

She also makes a point about being friends with her Eskimo constituents in Alaska and points out that her husband Todd is 1/4 Eskimo. Again, a specific effort on her part to show that she is tolerant of different races and creeds. This is admirable on her part and she seems to be quite sincere. (Although why Todd brags about being a quarter of anything seems odd to me).

However, what I have yet to see or hear is any reference whatsoever to black people. She doesn’t talk about her ”black friend” nor have I ever even seen her in a photo with a black person. After searching far and wide, here is the one exception I could find:

The woman on the right is Maryline Blackburn and she just happened to beat out Sarah for Miss Alaska. Could the seeds of intolerance have been sown at that very moment? After all, by all accounts it was an extremely close contest with Sarah taking 1st runner up as well as Miss Congeniality. Here is the note that Sarah wrote Maryline after the contest:

“I do love you. You’re more admired than even you know. And please keep God Number One. He’s got great things for you, baby. Love, Sarah Heath.”

Hmmm…seems pretty damned bitter to me.

However, I am willing to give Sarah the benefit of the doubt but I at least need to hear her say that she listens to Jay Z or loves Denzel movies. I know she hates Oprah but that is because she couldn’t get on her show… or is it? Simply put, I can’t have a VP that is racist, not even a VPILF. (Especially after Cheney).

So Sarah, tells us about your long lost best friend that just happens to be black. Or how when you went to one of your colleges, you dated a black guy. Or, how you were really sad to see OJ get sent to jail since it was just another example of ”the man” holding a brother down. Throw me a bone. Anything. Fo-shizzle.