Do You Prefer The Rabbit Or The Dolphin?

If you had asked me this question before last week, I would have not had a clue what you were going on about. However, thanks to my being indoctrinated into the seedy, dark world that most women live in, I can now answer this question. ..kind of.

Let me back up a bit. I went to a dinner last week with a large group. For whatever reason, I was seated at a table with primarily women. Within about 30 seconds of being seated, they had started up with sex talk, like they do. 

Mostly, they were complaining about how men were unfulfilling to them, either physically or emotionally, and what they each did about it. Enter the Rabbit and the Dolphin. At first, I could not see the connection. Why would either of these mammals make you happy sexually? 

Then the details started to come out. For some reason, and I didn’t ask for the finer details, these are the names of vibrators. Why a rabbit and dolphin? I have no idea. I know rabbits do it a lot so maybe that explains that. However, why in the world would you have sex with a dolphin? Is it the fin? The bottle shaped nose? Again, I didn’t ask. 

But here is the core lesson I learned. Women are animals. In fact, I will go on record and say that they are bigger animals than men. Men take the bad rap but women are actively using these instruments on, apparently, virtually a daily basis. Also, it doesn’t matter if you are a married gal or single…you are still “doing it” with your little critter all of the time. 

The only other male at the table was so distressed; he got up and called his wife to see if she was also an owner of one of these contraptions. To no ones surprise, she was. (Although she was adamant that she was only an occasionally user. Liar.) 

There was also talk of a sex tool that you could attach to the shower wall and impale yourself upon but, by this time, my eyes had glossed over and I was in a semi state of shock. I simply couldn’t take in anymore information. These women who are the mothers of our children and pillars of our society, are sexual wildcats. They are cheating with a piece of plastic and batteries more times than most of us brush our teeth. 

When is this happening? Who knows but it is obviously a clandestine event and women have mastered the details. My guess is that the electric toothbrush noise that one hears is probably the dirty deed occurring. No wonder women are always brushing their teeth. 

I can’t talk about this anymore because I am deeply dismayed by the whole thing. I think of women in terms of integrity, honesty, loyalty, lovingness, and various other positive attributes. Now, I realize they are just skeezy harlots buzzing themselves all day long. 

I would ask if your mother would be proud of you but she is too busy abusing herself with her Rabbit to give a crap.

A Vibrator To Correct Your Posture? Sure…Whatever You Say.

Is there anything that modern science can’t make better? I think not. Case in point, the new iPosture device. This small device is to be used by all of us humped back people that can’t stand up straight. Or is it? 

It works like this. You hook the iPosture to your skin or clothes and each time you slouch, it starts to vibrate. Here is a photo of the contraption.

Apparently, once you become fully erect, it stops vibrating. Now, for some of you, this might seem like a fatal flaw in the contraptions design. Get your head out of the gutter. This is a serious therapeutic device. 

The instructions don’t say exactly where on the body the device should be placed and I worry this could lead to some confusion. Plus, for the mentally ill amongst you, I can see some opportunity for abuse. 

My other fear is that this small vibrator could be kind of a “gateway” vibrator and lead its owners to bigger and more pulsing alternatives. In fact, I understand that the iPosture team is working on a larger model, exclusively for women, called the “Vulvanator”. 

They are also making a male version, cleverly known as the “Shaky Vagina”. (I think it will be like the equivalent of having sex with Katharine Hepburn in her later years.) As you can see, what started off as a promising way to correct posture has quickly became a seedy proposition. 

Get an iPosture if you must but beware of the possible risks. For instance, murmuring strange noises and fidgeting at staff meetings is not going to be well received by your boss. Unless, of course, you buy him / her one and then you can all sit around the table moaning together. (Again, for men, it STOPS vibrating when you are “upright”. So you may feel somewhat left out by the end of the meeting when your female co-workers are striking up their smokes.) 

If you buy now, you will also get a ShamWow with your iPosture. Not sure I understand the correlation but what do I know. Be safe out there.