If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

Just think of all of the wonderful things she would have already accomplished in her first week.

• She would have abolished same sex marriage in the entire world
• She would have made sure that only creationism was taught in all schools
• She would have funded sex education…as long as it consisted only of abstinence
• She would have banned abortion, except for unwed teen mothers. (She’s not gonna let that happen again!)
• She would have given every American a rifle
• She would have drilled, baby, drilled. Even in places like Los Angeles and New York City. (You have to look everywhere).
• She would have bombed Russia because she is sick of looking at it and it ruins the view from her kitchen
• She would have mandated that all women wear black or red pumps every day
• She would have made English the second language to her native Alaskan / Caucasian-onics (Kind of like Ebonics but reversed)
• She would have mandated all newspapers have more pictures and less words

And the list goes on. We would be living in the most awesome-est country in the world if Sarah were VPILF. How could she have done all of this if she were only the VP? Simple, McCain died like 3 months ago. It was too late to get another candidate so they just propped his body up for awhile.

For me, the best part would be just bathing in her majestic awesomeness. Seeing her on TV everyday would be exciting. What color pumps will she be wearing? What color lipstick? Hair up or hair down? Knee high or upper calf length skirt? Everyday would be a mystery and people would be overcome with anticipation awaiting the results. Look at her splendor once again:

Look how she even matches the flowers of her lapel with then ones in the background. Do you think that Joe Biden has that kind of savoir faire? I think not. And, let’s be honest…we haven’t seen that kind of magnificent hair since the days of Farrah Fawcett. (Who, by the way, did not really age terribly well).

(Although she probably still holds the record for most ridiculous looking celebrity “erasers”)

No, instead of electing the American Lady Di, we had to go for Barry just so we can now say, “See? We are not racist anymore”. What a load of hooey. If we really were not racist, we would have already elected Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or that token black Republican guy they trot out every once in awhile, Alan Keyes. Hell, even the entertainers at the inauguration were primarily light skinned African Americans. Where was Snoop, Lil Scrappy, C-BO, Brotha Lynch Hung, 40 Cal and all of the real artists? Beyonce? Puh-leeze.

America should have voted with their hearts…not their brains. (Or, for men, their ding-dings). The good news is all is not lost. In 2012, Sarah will be back and with God’s grace and a good plastic surgeon, look better than ever. Then we can finally rejoice and get some real change! (Ladies, might as well start getting your high heel collection started now).

Gay People…Rick Warren Is Not Your Problem

I understand that gays are not happy with the fact that Warren does not support gay marriage but why all of the vitriol? About 90% of other Christian pastors feel exactly the same way. Do you think if Barry was still on good terms with Jeremiah Wright that he would be singing the praises of the gay community? Look, they had to pick someone so Warren is as good as anyone else that is available. (Except for Jerry Falwell but that ship has sailed).

I realize that every group wants Obama to cater to their specific needs but I think he has shown that he is not going to do it. I appreciate that part of him rather than see it as a bad thing. Most politicians whore themselves to every group out there and then completely renege on their promises. Barry just tried to pick a guy that spoke to the masses. Like it or not, Warren is just such a guy.

Besides that, who cares who delivers the invocation? If you had a gay priest do it, do you think that the voters in California would all of the sudden change their minds and support gay marriage? Of course not. The gay community must simply make the case that this is a civil rights issue and do it in a calm and positive manner. When and if you can get straight people to see it through a civil rights prism, I have little doubt that the legislation will be passed…as it should. So settle your strident selves down and be nice.

Let me change course for a moment. While I was trying to research Rick Warren and his Brokeback Church, I visited a number of forums to see what people were saying. Here is what I found on one site:

In the immortal words of John McEnroe, “You cannot be serious!” C’mon my gay peeps, Gay Chubby Dating? Are you kidding? Is there also a Gay Slightly Thin Dating site or possibly the Gay Morbidly Obese Dating venue? This is the kind of stuff Bible thumpers see that makes them convinced that the “end days” are near. (At least those Bible thumpers that lurk on gay message boards).

Sorry I got off target but seeing that ad was, without question, the highlight of my day. I thought this ad was going to be my highlight but it doesn’t hold a candle to the Chubby thing.

You see? No need to change the marriage laws because, as it turns out, you gays are apparently just going through a phase. A little prayer and then, BANG! You ladies will be getting busy with Chubby Don in no time!

Back to my original point. Let the Pastor Rick thing go. Spend your energy on asking the real question to your Bible carrying brethren, “Why am I any less of a human being than you?” There is no answer and, if you ask the question often enough, I think you will make the progress you are hoping to make.

Glad I could solve this problem and you are welcome for my help. Now, I am off to surf for Chubby Lipstick Lesbian Dating!

Don’t Forget To “Call In Gay” Tomorrow

That’s right, tomorrow is the national “Day Without a Gay” protest. This is a new effort to bring attention to the struggles of gays and lesbians throughout the world. It is also suggested that, in conjunction with “calling in gay”,  people do charity work tomorrow and try to minimize spending. This effort will, hopefully, show the intellectual and financial power of the gay community.

So, simply put, anyone that does not show up to work tomorrow is gay. Put away your “gaydar” because you won’t need it…at least for one day. It is safe to say that Clay Aiken and other gay performers will have the day off. However, keep your eye on the less obvious gay performers. For instance, if Anderson Cooper doesn’t do his show tomorrow it will verify what many of us already know.

Also, this will help you identify your gay co-workers. Not so you can be hostile towards them but it could help you with Christmas shopping. Maybe a nice scarf for a gentleman instead of some macho crap. For the ladies, a nice flannel shirt. (The lesbians LOVE the flannel).

Lastly, if YOU don’t show up to work tomorrow, you can finally come to terms with all of those conflicting feelings you have had. You know ladies, the way you look longingly at Lindsay Lohan or, for you guys, that handsome Michael Phelps. Don’t fight your urge, at least for the day. Embrace your gayness.

Of course, on Thursday, if you feel dirty about yourself and regret what you did the night before with your neighbor Felix, you need to head straight to your local church where you can get the gay prayed straight out of you. It is a venal sin so you should be ok with a few Hail Marys.

Also, for guys at least, you might walk funny for a few days. That is normal. You will have probably used muscles on “gay day” that you have not used before. This should clear itself up. However, like an erection for my than 48 hours, continued pain should be attented to by a doctor…particularly if you think there is a chance that anything was “left behind”. (A ferret, for instance).

I wish you all a happy “Day Without a Gay” tomorrow. I hope you truly appreciate what our gay brothers and lesbian sisters bring to our communities. In many ways, they have brought color to an otherwise black and white world. As for me, I will see you all on Thursday! Big hug and kisses!!!