As if my pain from losing Farrah and Michael wasn’t bad enough, today I learn that the great entertainer, Billy Mays, passed away this morning. (I didn’t add Ed McMahon to my grieving list because I am pretty confident he died several years ago).
Billy took his craft to a whole other level. Really, he was the Jimi Hendrix of television product advertising. Well, maybe not the Jimi Hendrix…that honor would be reserved for Ron Popeil. But certainly he would rank in the top 5.
The first time I saw Billy perform his Oxi-Clean commercial, I knew I was watching a true master craftsman. His interpretation of the art of selling was truly magical. Really, his passing is right up there with MLK, JFK, RFK and the BLT. (Which has fallen out of favor due to its pork content).
Will there ever be another Billy Mays? Well, probably not in our lifetime. Sure, the ShamWow dude is good but he beats up hookers and that is going to cost him a few points. Robert Wagner is good at selling reverse mortgages to old people but he doesn’t have the flair that Billy had.
Police are unsure what caused the death of the 50 year old Mays. Some websites have reported that his body collapsed under the weight of absorbing several gallons of black dye which he used to groom his beautiful beard and hair. An APB has been put out for the ShamWow dude because, frankly, he is just creepy and who knows what he is willing to do to get back on top.
The family has asked the public to respect their privacy in these “difficult times”. This approach has always confused me. Why do people whore themselves out for every last bit of attention they can get when they are alive but, when they croak, somehow they are supposed to be suddenly off limits? Maybe because there is no money in it?
President Obama has suggested that he might roll all of these recent deaths together and start a national holiday known as “Celebrities Day”. It will kind of be like President’s Day but be way more exciting. There will be parades and telethons to celebrate the passing of all recent celebrities. (Including the “bad” ones like OJ and Chris Brown when they croak).
Governor Mark Sanford completely supports President Obama’s proposal. He was quoted as saying, “Anything that will get you people off my a** is ok by me”. Mrs. Sanford quickly responded with the following statement. “Fu** you, Mark. Fu** you all day long. And that little Brazilian whore of yours”.
I remember Wolf Blitzer practically crying when MJ passed away. I can only hope that Anderson Cooper will be there to help him get through this latest tragedy. I will tip some Orange Glo In Billy’s honor tonight. I ask you to respect my privacy during this difficult time. Yours in mourning, TL