Canadians Free Fat Prisoner

If only Richard Cooey had been in prison in Canada, he might be alive today. You remember Rich? The murderer that said he was too fat to be executed because of his hard to find veins? Well, now comes the story of Michel Lapointe. (This is a guy…you know how the Canadians love to name their men after women).

Anyway, Michel went to prison 2 years ago for conspiracy, drug trafficking and gangsterism. (What in the hell is gangsterism? Oh those crazy Canucks). While in jail, Big Mike (as he is known…clever nickname) has ballooned up from 375 to 430 pounds. Quick question. Who in the hell can tell the difference between a guy that weighs 375 and a guy that weighs 430? Doesn’t the scale break once you go north of 300?

His complaints were he had an undersized bed, chairs he can’t sit on and a shower that made washing impossible. Again I ask, this was NOT a problem at 375? The other thing is, why do prisoners keep getting fatter in prison? Don’t prisons have the ability to put their clients on diets? Why are they allowed to just blow up at will? Aren’t their some floors to be scrubbed or some salad to be tossed?

Not only did Michel get out of jail, he also doesn’t have to go to any type of halfway house. Why? Because he is too damned fat! I wonder if there is some sort of reciprocity in the sentence. If say, Fat Man loses 50 pounds, does he go back to jail or is he permanently free?

Needless to say it is rumored that Canadian prisons are being besieged by an influx of smuggled Twinkies and Ring Dings. And why not? Every criminal in the country should be slathering their bread with Crisco and beating their fellow inmates for their soft drinks. There has also been a huge run on Ralphie May workout videos.

That’s right, even Ralphie is shocked by this news.

Dear chucklehead legal people. Could you please stop with the “poor, poor prisoner” routine? They are supposed to be uncomfortable. That is generally the idea of jail. Contain them and, while they are contained, give them a good reason not to come back. I know that Canadians are laid back but this is just ridiculous.

The only good news is that the slightly less than petite Michel will likely keel over before too long anyway. So, enjoy your freedom big boy, I hope it was worth it. In the meantime Quebec City, enjoy supporting this guy for the rest of his life. He is obviously too fat to work so whatever welfare system you have in place is going to be on the hook to take care of him.

By the way, not that I am interested, but how does one get to be a Canadian citizen? I figure if I can get up to about 450, I should be at my prime weight to rob a bank. Worse case scenario, I get caught, convicted and sent home to serve out my punishment. Do you guys have HBO and the NFL Sunday Ticket?

Final Update…The Richard Cooey Saga

The above death row prisoner / gentleman, Richard Cooey, states he is “too fat” to be executed. Seems his veins will be too hard to find plus the other medications he takes will counteract any pain killers making his death “excruciating”. 

Before you feel too bad for Rich, did I mention that he raped and murdered two young women over 22 years ago? Seems that since that time, he has been enjoying a regular diet of Twinkies and Ho-Ho’s and is now using the Homer Simpson, “I’m too fat to work / die” defense.

I think I have a plan. I will volunteer the rest of my leftover NutriSystem food to Rich and he can get down to a good execution weight by his scheduled date of 10/14. Plus, we can promise not to punish other prisoners who might want to “snuggle” with Rich over the next two months. This will be the fitness part of the regime…running from fellow inmates.

Good to see the Ohio Public Defenders Office taking on such an important case. The taxpayers must be so proud. (Way to go Buckeyes!)

Good luck, Rich. I am sure you will get what is coming to you.

Edit:Turns out Richard is giving interviews now. He swears that he is not becoming a fat pig (sans lipstick) to avoid being executed. In fact, he said he is ok with someone just shooting him in the head.

Rich, if you are a man of your word (and I am sure you are) why don’t you just do it yourself? Make a break for it and let them shoot you. You are ok with being shot so what are you waiting for? Oh wait, I am sure you will complain that you are too fat for the bullet to penetrate your fat head. I am going to miss you Rich…you brought so much to this world.

EDIT # 2: Fat boy, I mean Richard, has had his appeal to the Ohio Supreme Court denied. He is due to be executed on 10/14. Again, I do not generally condone the death penalty but this fat bastard deserves it. Glad you enjoyed your attempt to mock the legal system, Rich. Crying shame it didn’t work. Better get those veins loosened up.

LAST EDIT: Cooey was executed today with the state apparently having no problems in finding his veins. While I doubt many feel any better now that he is dead, I can think of few situations where it was more deserved. When asked if he had any last words, here was his response:

“For what? You (expletive) haven’t paid any attention to anything I’ve said in the last 22 1/2 years, why would anyone pay any attention to anything I’ve had to say now.”

Good to see that Rich finally figured that out before his death. Seems that when a person brutally rapes and murders two young women, folks really don’t have a sympathetic ear. Way to stay classy until the end.

One last note; Cooey’s attorney, Eric Allen had this to say after the execution:

“The government has no conscience, only policy. Today the policy was state-sanctioned murder of Richard Cooey.”

As you all know, I try to keep this blog rated PG but Mr. Allen deserves special treatment.

Hey Eric, why don’t you blow me you stupid fu** stick. Your compassion for the family’s that were shattered by Fat Ass Cooey’s rampage is truly remarkable. Even if you remotely believe what you are saying, why not shut your fat pie hole and let the families find closure in this train wreck. No ones cares what you think.

Goodbye Rich. I am sure you will finally be able to shed those extra pounds while you burn in hell.