As you all know, I have very conflicted feelings about soccer moms. On the one hand, I truly admire that they have sold their bodies and souls to the highest bidder. This is fundamentally sound business and I always appreciate sound business.
Sure, some of the guys they have to lie under night after night look like Ed Asner, but so what? They have a nice home, 2.3 children, “help” around the house, and no damned job. What’s not to love?
Here’s what is not to love. During the daytime hours, when they are not under their fat, bald husbands, they are everywhere! I had today off so I went to run a few errands. I spent the entire day surrounded by soccer moms. They are all in SUV’s or vans and generally have blond hair, big boobs, and some sort of orange-ish, brownish color to them.
But TL, you say, this sounds like a good problem, no? Eye candy for you to feast your eyes on all day. What’s the problem? Here’s is the problem. When you are around them, as much as you might try to avoid it, you will hear them speak. This is when my Stepford world comes crashing down around me.
Don’t get me wrong…I like dumb people. I am one of them. But this is a special kind of stupid. Almost like a chemically induced stupid. It could be their meds or it could be the peroxide seeping into their brains, I just don’t know. It just drives me crazy.
For instance, pulling up to the drive through and literally having no clue what you are going to have to eat. Then, 5 minutes later, you hear them ask, “What kind of fish is the Filet-O-Fish made of? Does it have a lot of carbs?” I strangle the steering wheel as it takes every ounce of self control not to get out of my car and pummel them right then.
But it doesn’t stop there. In any line I am in, they are chock full of stupid questions. “Is the higher or lower the SPF better?” (That’s not even a real question!) “Is there a lot of pulp in this orange juice?” she asks holding the “pulp-free” carton of OJ.
I am so conflicted. How can something so pretty to look at be so painful to listen to? Maybe ugly people ask the same dumb questions but, since they are ugly, I am not paying any attention to them in the first place. I suppose I could wear my IPod around all day and just fantasize that they are asking really relevant questions.
Or, maybe pretty stupid people should be forced to walk around with duct tape over their mouth. This would prevent them from ever again saying, “That’s a mute point”. Of course, those beautiful Sarah Palin lips would not be on display and that would bum me out.
Pretty soccer moms of the world, please do me a favor. When you see me coming, stop talking and just look beautiful. Let me have a nice quiet party in my pants for a few shining moments. Once I am gone, ask away about healthcare reform, taxes, schools, and any other subject you are woefully ill informed about.
Wow, it feels good to have my misogynist side in full force today.